tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80805717862102019912024-03-13T00:40:10.488-07:00 Róża LewanowiczWe are not InvictusRóża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.comBlogger104125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-72143668080192844822023-06-01T00:53:00.000-07:002023-06-01T00:53:05.589-07:00A Good LifeAs I wrote once, life becomes a big project of coping with daily-basis problems if you have mental health issues. It's not easy, for it requires changing your mindset - which is an ongoing process with countless failures - and if you come from a toxic environment, e.g., a narcissistic family, like me, you need to undertake serious actions to protect your well-being, sometimes, even in legal aspects.<br />
<br />
The most challenging task for me (and the most crucial at the same time) was to find out ways of fighting suicidal thoughts. How to find a reason for living? Where shall I search for my motivation? I was prepared that my resignation notions would never fade or go away. At least, I successfully fought delusions about it.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, I just need to let go. Retreat. Give up. I do it because mental health is more important than anything else. Besides, these so 'important' things at that moment usually turn out to be a noisy background only.<div><br /></div><div>Nevertheless, I had this one delusion that improving my accommodation would make me feel better mentally. So I did everything I could to provide myself all those basic things most people don't even think about as they are so obvious: home, good healthcare, nutritious food, proper clothes, vacation... I have even adopted a dog - my big child's dream - and befriended many friendly people. The list of things I delivered is imposing. Yet, at some point, I realized that my mental health was precisely where I started my journey. </div><div><br /></div><div>"Wow!" I thought to myself. "Just wow! Nothing has changed, so what's the point of all these efforts?"</div><div><br /></div><div>Well, there is one. Very expensive psychotherapy taught me that struggling with severe trauma requires having good 'items' I can turn to so that I can rest for a moment before I start another battle. Without them, I am exposed to being re-traumatized. <i>Ergo</i> - I have one more broken <a href="https://t.co/W7E83KsIkG" target="_blank">Russian Doll</a> to deal with.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi9t2HaY3YgESI6kW685QfQyQLa6RbQtuONU8oDOR5_HuajooQ5H3y-Xqr62y0kIhZYAqQONZfKONEATqhgQm4N_ZFsdytER14rv4i2y4M0a6HuFr8jwygm49WMnI159hknhFMYiAq39FhnaDIvzseJST37LIflNm_yy2XFZKh7ZC_aiuOvBvr7ky86" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="893" data-original-width="893" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi9t2HaY3YgESI6kW685QfQyQLa6RbQtuONU8oDOR5_HuajooQ5H3y-Xqr62y0kIhZYAqQONZfKONEATqhgQm4N_ZFsdytER14rv4i2y4M0a6HuFr8jwygm49WMnI159hknhFMYiAq39FhnaDIvzseJST37LIflNm_yy2XFZKh7ZC_aiuOvBvr7ky86" width="240" /></a></div><br /><br /></div>Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-50928701226984723282023-05-31T05:20:00.000-07:002023-05-31T05:20:19.039-07:00The Russian Doll<p>It's trauma in trauma in another trauma that is hidden in yet another trauma. Getting the first wound or the root cause of your deplorable emotional state reminds you of excavating works ripping off layer after layer. </p><p>The biggest problem is that you must include all these layers and address each one. </p><p>I know everything started with the unsuccessful abortion my non-mother tried to execute on me. I survived it just as I survived a very traumatic birth and her post-partum craziness. However, this knowledge does not let me omit the following ordeal I was subjected to. Every part must be unpacked and treated as if I was taking care of the Russian doll containing many more miniature dolls. I only need to embrace the fact that all of them are broken. </p><p>My current existence is far from imperfect, but my broken Russian dolls make it unbearable as they keep me frozen in the past. The paradox is the better the life, the stronger the trauma affects it. Why? Because my internal self knows this is the safe place and time to start healing.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhDkDE18hmHU8Q80y6ZWofT14X6Tvdii7QXRTpnWa7uXIOgbN7IL4dI2Xuzo9aWtyw6no0H_LFkMyS7LTsejalBOkPmg2_RDUM90n2ba0RzgPl6ZsTtpiNZYg4fMBdwW0wbA6Dm4vRWDh_xfaYFEzYUWJM1skiN5R_e3nkbMk6qqVbe040N7cG4uWXg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="893" data-original-width="1490" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhDkDE18hmHU8Q80y6ZWofT14X6Tvdii7QXRTpnWa7uXIOgbN7IL4dI2Xuzo9aWtyw6no0H_LFkMyS7LTsejalBOkPmg2_RDUM90n2ba0RzgPl6ZsTtpiNZYg4fMBdwW0wbA6Dm4vRWDh_xfaYFEzYUWJM1skiN5R_e3nkbMk6qqVbe040N7cG4uWXg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><p></p>Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-25014796492542179862022-02-22T09:50:00.001-08:002022-02-22T09:50:48.413-08:00We, Suicidals<p> We are a different species. Nobody can actually understand us; others can only accept we exist, that's it. But honestly, it's enough as lack of acceptance is one of the factors that kill us in the first place.</p><p>I don't know how it is to want to live. I just don't. If I had ever known, I forgot when I was five or six.</p><p>Why? What for? For this pain? For never-ending torment?</p><p>I can never predict when <i>it</i> will <i>hit</i> me. But it's easier to function being aware I'm not free from this burden. It is part of me; it's me, and I cannot decline myself. That's what the costly therapy taught me. </p><p>The very first baby step: accept and love all your parts, even if no one in this world would do that. Sorry - <i>especially</i> when no one would do that. </p><p>I was so tired of searching for the will of life in me that this effort has been consuming strength's remnants I had left. So, I stopped. I simply live the life as it is - day by day.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiU13H1p6nkd5OwKXUzfHbC_XM8kFPmr1oU9xHXYxBlP1iPBI3PBfB3YqXccHawJagOTzLyM2sJfwj5NwxkZlIKlg7iLPqPQruZ5Z5U3vXijrvyjFgLB9gpGGGXVzdbN7tnERkkRO3z-PPauM92gb710eZjDxDGb8e_nJdPaugXIrZnUNj_2zYlVSVI=s3810" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2781" data-original-width="3810" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiU13H1p6nkd5OwKXUzfHbC_XM8kFPmr1oU9xHXYxBlP1iPBI3PBfB3YqXccHawJagOTzLyM2sJfwj5NwxkZlIKlg7iLPqPQruZ5Z5U3vXijrvyjFgLB9gpGGGXVzdbN7tnERkkRO3z-PPauM92gb710eZjDxDGb8e_nJdPaugXIrZnUNj_2zYlVSVI=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-85165171441328047862021-11-10T05:59:00.001-08:002023-06-01T01:36:33.818-07:00Real-life Squid Game<p>If you happened to watch the second episode of the Netflix series "Squid Game," what did you make of the decision of the people who came back to the game? </p><p>I thought: "Losers!"</p><p>...and only a few weeks later, I did precisely the same.</p><p>Two months ago, I got seriously sick. It was Friday, and I attended an online meeting with two colleagues when I felt un lucid. To make the story short - for the first time in my life, I was SURE I would die, and when I realized I may get better somehow, I didn't expect to recover any soon. Yet, after only eight weeks, I am here again, working, meeting with the very same colleagues, and delivering the documentation. </p><p>When I discovered I got a very high fever, I knew, I was entirely sure that the real reason for my sickness - the result of the immune system's collapse - was my work, the environment I found myself in. And, for the most time, I had promised myself I would never return there. But when they called saying they were waiting, I automatically, as if I was some brainless robot, answered, "OK, I'll be there soon." </p><p>I know this game is dangerous; it can even kill me. But I need money as I will surely die without it. </p><p>So, the "Squid Game" series is about many of us - people who have no choice or whose choices lead them inevitably to a sad end. Because no matter what, the game we play is rigged. </p>Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-28199910338739346162020-01-13T11:57:00.001-08:002023-06-01T01:39:27.678-07:00Meghan, the Queen of narcs<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have been observing this drama for perhaps six or so months. I only started my research regarding Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and everything related to this topic interested me very much. I don't know what was first exactly: some blog posts, or maybe I was checking specific hashtags on Twitter. Nevertheless, I've learned that some people find Meghan Markle an NPD person. So, since I was regularly updated, current events didn't shock me, not as much as they shocked most of the population. I didn't expect she would realize her vicious, though evident for rational-thinking people, plans so soon. Well, I suppose she was simply annoyed by pretending. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This woman gives me a creep. Sometimes, she makes the exact facial expressions my narc-non-mother did. Yet, such a story helps me with my own past. Why? Because if you witness with your own eyes as one narcissistic wench destroys the monarchy lasting for nearly a Millenium, you are less eager to underestimate the person who was bulldozing your life for decades. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Every narc has an agenda. Always! You may think that MM planned to become the biggest star in this world, and the British monarchy was just a trampoline to achieve this goal. Probably, she feels the same. Or maybe we are wrong in this matter, and the aim is in a completely different place. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
NPDs (just like suicides, people with anorexia, or people who hurt themselves with sharp objects) don't have a sense of control over their own lives. So, they control others. Imagine how insecure Markle must have been since she needed to take control of one of the most powerful families in the world. Her 'dependency mode' reached the highest level of all, as high as the one of Martin Luter's who dared to confront the Catholic Church, the most potent organization back then. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And you know what? She feels hurt by fate; she suffers and must recover what she has lost. Many people believe she's calculating, but there wouldn't be a rush if so. Calculating people, e.g., psychopaths, are cold, while MM has a fever. How can I tell that? Well, I was 'raised' by one of her kind.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This story helped me understand two things. First, I finally faced the music and apprehended, vague up to this point, suspicions that my non-mother always had an agenda, and I always knew what it was. Everything was calculated to make me a personal servant for life. Every word, gesture, and decision was supposed to keep me with her. She had been using many tools to accomplish her plan, but the most wicked were guilt, anxiety, playing the victim card, and isolation. Second, I realized there was something else hidden, just as in the case of MM. Non-mother, too, felt mistreated by fate's current, and she also craved proper compensation. But foremost, this was an act of revenge on my non-father for not loving her and showing me affection instead.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I can only add one thing - poor Archie...</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifxr1Rve7DeliFfOUdlvuvqOm9HNwrkUBX90cCzw90mt8lSV2Da5rvCKmLctdYQNw5dkbox67rOqLzV6xW4xW0jPMFdui9292yxfiJ82O0T682a9TogrqBC94ThJ0bXPBbfpKl8ovQLOE/s1600/IMG_0113.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifxr1Rve7DeliFfOUdlvuvqOm9HNwrkUBX90cCzw90mt8lSV2Da5rvCKmLctdYQNw5dkbox67rOqLzV6xW4xW0jPMFdui9292yxfiJ82O0T682a9TogrqBC94ThJ0bXPBbfpKl8ovQLOE/s320/IMG_0113.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-3751038353821042272019-12-23T09:37:00.001-08:002023-06-01T01:41:52.552-07:00Judgement Day<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Dependency mode</b> I wrote about stands on a stable conviction that whatever I do or say must be assessed by someone else. Only some other people can give us the right to undertake specific actions and, worse, to live in general. We seldom ask who gave them this right and rarely ask why we gave it away. But these are the fundamental issues of ours. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is a matter of mindset - we are led by thoughts that impact our bodies, emotions, and decision processes, yet we are unaware of them. Significant people and authorities had imprinted these thoughts a long time ago at that time, and there is no surprise that their interest was to make us obedient puppets. In plain words, <b>we were taught what to think, not how to think</b>. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Dependency mode causes we are afraid of being judged and condemned. The more we are scared, the bigger the risk of becoming a developed narc or a suicide (the latter, more likely), for we do not belong to ourselves. Never! And for many of us, there comes the day when this one wrong assessment is too much to handle. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtBVva4zlHfXrcdxIAIoeVbHn_kaMAtFpsUyQA-5YxAN0rlNplpe0-T6P17nHFW8CLHcLEtOQIF1yK6DHSiJZK_33c47V4f4M4fwkbQABsEYDPxSiAn1UP9MnYB-K4fh-UjZm2kGOB0SM/s1600/IMG_0014.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtBVva4zlHfXrcdxIAIoeVbHn_kaMAtFpsUyQA-5YxAN0rlNplpe0-T6P17nHFW8CLHcLEtOQIF1yK6DHSiJZK_33c47V4f4M4fwkbQABsEYDPxSiAn1UP9MnYB-K4fh-UjZm2kGOB0SM/s320/IMG_0014.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-45687162926613631972019-12-15T08:42:00.002-08:002023-06-01T01:43:58.698-07:00I lie so I am right<div style="text-align: justify;">
Narcs lie for one reason - to create the reality in which all their deeds are justified.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
They don't know one thing, though. They cannot comprehend their faults and sins because of pain that devours them from inside, as if admitting they did something wrong might cause even more hurt. Of course, that's not the truth. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am far from defending people with NPD, for most of them are who they became as adults due to their own choices (or lack of options). But I perfectly understand that the pain they live with is <b>unbearable</b>, and no one who did not experience it has the right to assess that he or she would behave differently if he or she were in a narc's shoes. No, you have no idea what you would do, feeling what they feel. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Unfortunately, the problem is these individuals have yet to learn what they feel. They are as far as possible from their own interiors. And by denying wrong deeds, they are even further. It is hard to convince most people that confessing sins may help because, according to current social discourse, flaws, and weaknesses indicate we are less, and no one wants to be less, especially narcs. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It took me lots of time to solve this problem: why does denying hurt us? But it's simple. To deny the truth, we usually use <b>cognitive dissonance</b>. By doing so, we became personal adversaries of our bodies; and started getting crazy. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Cognitive dissonance is a bitch. Lying, treacherous, deadly bitch. Only, in the case of people with NPD, it is a total game-changer, to be exact - brain-changer. Narcs believe that what they feel at the moment and what they think is the one righteous judgment in the Universe. I was raised by the narcissistic witch; thus, I know exactly how it looks in practice. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
"<i>I go to church, and I am a catholic, but, in this case, I think I didn't do anything wrong because I feel so. Yeah, having an affair with a married man, having a baby with him, and not telling him about the pregnancy sounds not right, but not in my situation, for my situation is different and extraordinary, and you must accustom my beliefs, not the doctrine of the Church</i>".</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
You look at this person when she says something like this and think nothing can help her. She is lost since she has no hint that things can be otherwise. And even if she's your own mother, in most cases, it is better to run from her to heal wounds she caused within years.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGoUShUY79WnsEYjh_1_pSGiCGrb22RaOxFGimcdKR0CYnc0GUFXhhvGpxs1i3NWegjwQJRp-zAsdaIXh9s5xPWm1yNKeT84MhXFTtX7x7pMklQDsjUmXDgrw8DP3X5Dwgemc2u61-7LQ/s1600/OK4.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGoUShUY79WnsEYjh_1_pSGiCGrb22RaOxFGimcdKR0CYnc0GUFXhhvGpxs1i3NWegjwQJRp-zAsdaIXh9s5xPWm1yNKeT84MhXFTtX7x7pMklQDsjUmXDgrw8DP3X5Dwgemc2u61-7LQ/s320/OK4.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-54636842929266866312019-11-26T04:57:00.001-08:002023-06-01T01:45:49.501-07:00Narc's Turning Point<div style="text-align: justify;">
Why do the narcs need followers? They don't exist without fans around them; they crave the limelight as other humans need oxygen.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The mechanism is simple - people who don't have a conscience still need someone who'd back their actions. People who hate themselves seek 'love' somewhere else. The last thing you can tell about narcs is that they are independent. And don't be fooled by how they ghost or discard others - finding new followers (better looking, wealthier ones) is easy as a walk in the park for these individuals.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Narcissists find themselves as the most unattractive beings in this world. But, contrary to the suicides, they never will admit that fact. They look at themselves through the eyes of other people, and since they have this fantastic ability to find enthusiasts of their fake image in every circumstance, they don't see any flaws. Very convenient, isn't it? Except it is not.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
As I witnessed, the narcissist can instantly turn suicidal. Let all these followers disappear; let them vanish along with fame, fortune, and, in some cases, a person who was a narc's victim, e.g., the child. Such a situation may be the beginning of the end or... a chance. Will he or she use it as a turning point? That depends only on individual choice.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOXKNMytAdxw3G-XIrAFA1Bx3Nf6DVU1N-i9Mqhc7jkpUnmA9zj-IseTLcnN6zFBKpiTDmVEmLQq5Ib5ey3I0G_2mSz124LHSJUQZ1m09Oyo5_3qyjBp_gtydhNRDl4NwTaOjJ8wNH9Is/s1600/IMG_0014.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOXKNMytAdxw3G-XIrAFA1Bx3Nf6DVU1N-i9Mqhc7jkpUnmA9zj-IseTLcnN6zFBKpiTDmVEmLQq5Ib5ey3I0G_2mSz124LHSJUQZ1m09Oyo5_3qyjBp_gtydhNRDl4NwTaOjJ8wNH9Is/s320/IMG_0014.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-69194170621706469612019-11-20T11:05:00.001-08:002023-06-01T01:49:55.308-07:00The mystery of the suicidal brain<div style="text-align: justify;">
You may have a narcissistic wound, yet you don't have to become a narc. But if you don't seek help, this wound will turn your life into a nightmare, and, eventually, it may lead you to suicidal death. This is what happened to me. Thank God I didn't kill myself, and for the first time in my life, I don't want to die (since I was six, to be exact), but I live with the trauma that paints my reality in very dark shades. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Yes, I believe that narcs and suicides are two sides of the same coin. However, people with a narcissistic personality disorder willingly choose to hurt others to make their lives more bearable; they do not develop a conscience. They use their natural talents for immoral purposes. These talents are: creating a fake image and the ability to summon their own followers. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Becoming popular or even a famous person is the primary goal of every narc. That's why creating the image consumes the whole of their energy. Hurting or destroying other individuals doesn't bother them. They suppress every single remorse, and they do that until the conscience is silenced for good. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
People with suicidal thoughts want to be liked. It seems to be similar to a narc's desire to become famous but make no mistake - they desperately want to please everyone but themselves, for they think this is the only way to stop hating themselves. They, too, live in dependency mode, but they are not interested in fame and popularity. Those people, just like I did, think that they don't deserve to be treated well, and very often, they are children of narcissistic parents. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">I will never understand why persons with this kind of wound choose such different paths. I don't know precisely why I became a suicide with mental health problems, not a narcissistic personality. Sometimes, this direction was very tempting and seemed easier to endure. Maybe it's because I have chosen God and His plan for my life, or perhaps some other factors have prevailed. I really want to discover the truth. </div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-41025409996942274992019-11-03T23:35:00.001-08:002023-06-01T01:50:37.291-07:00Project manager for life<div style="text-align: justify;">
If you are not loved by anyone, you feel like you are drowning. All the time. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The pain comes back one time by another, and you cannot escape it because the only cure is being loved by someone significant. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This is how we were created - we must experience love; otherwise, our life is unbearable. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've learned to provide good things for myself, which is very helpful. Some moments of my existence are too hard, though, and I need to acquire the ability to cope with them. The nervous system is 'overloaded,' I am tired and a bit confused.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In fact, at some point, the life of a person who did not experience love and who did experience a lot of abuse turns into a big project of coping with the results of a painful past. And most people around us have no idea about our fight; they don't see survivors in us. We're lucky if they don't consider us as losers.</div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-66214027055668982542019-10-19T14:29:00.004-07:002023-06-01T01:52:29.743-07:00My Pathetic Suicide<div style="text-align: justify;">
Let's talk about suicide. My suicide. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The only attempt in my life I desperately wanted to forget about. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But forgetting doesn't change anything because the problem comes back, though it is masked and hidden behind some substitute. The reason it always haunts me is simple: I have never faced a direct cause. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Silence days.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This is how my non-mother punished me; God alone knows what for. Suddenly, her mood changed, and she stopped talking to me. I could only count on the look of hatred and single growling from time to time. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
She knew it hurt me. That was the point. And I am sure she knew that this very pain was so unbearable it could kill me. By doing so, she could feel full power over me; she had control. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
That day, it was too much for me. I was sixteen, spending winter or summer break at home with her. And she didn't speak to me whatsoever. This situation was prolonged, and I didn't know what to do. The pain inside my chest and head was so tremendous I was sure I was going mad. I couldn't stand it. So I took a pill. One pill of a painkiller containing tranquilizer. But the pain was only increasing. So I took another pill. And another. And another. Until the pack was empty. I drifted away for a very long time. I was sure I would die, but it didn't bother me. I simply wanted to stop feeling the pain. I was lying on my bed in my room for almost two days, and she didn't check on me once. She didn't speak to me, after all. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
When I gathered, I was alive, but something inside of me died for good. And stayed dead up to this moment. I pushed myself away from the shock; I suppressed the memory. I felt like an ultimate loser who could not do anything properly - even kill myself (it was after I found out that this amount of drug wasn't enough to take the life). In my own eyes, I was a pathetic being.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Today, suppressing this memory, though unsuccessful, let me live. I was also unaware of another factor helping me survive. I discovered it now. But about that, another time. </div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-37570955688915413212019-10-14T01:45:00.002-07:002023-06-01T01:59:32.131-07:00Come back to Earth, watch 'Ad Astra'<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>[This post contains spoilers]</i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">The Ad Astra movie is not as killer as' Joker'' is. It is also a good piece of work, though. I found many negative opinions about it on the Polish internet; the viewers seemed disappointed, as if they expected something else. Well, I didn't expect anything. I wanted to spend last Sunday evening at the cinema, and the film about space travel is always the right choice for me. I received more than anticipated.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The subject of this movie could be easily depicted in the theatre, in the mere scene, without all these special effects and divine music (OMG! I love Max Richter, and this was the most delightful surprise hearing his compositions). But special effects also played a significant part, not only as stage directions.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In a few words, the movie 'Ad Astra' describes complicated relationships between father and son. It says about bad parenting and how it impacts the next generation's life. And the lives of many other people. It shows that the father is responsible for his son's future, emotional state, essential choices. But luckily, it also points out that the grown-up son becomes accountable for his own development if the father lets him down. While this journey - at some point even absurd, if we consider crazy flying monkeys - was an allegory of desperate attempts to save the absent parent. It was about saving, bringing him back where he should have been all the time, and convincing him that his 'mission' is, in fact, a delusion. The son would do anything to change his past, even fly to the fringe of the heliosphere.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is not said directly, but the son realized and accepted that his father wasn't a hero. He stopped protecting his father's perfect picture and started seeing his life from the proper perspective. He could come back to Earth - in a metaphoric and literal sense.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
As for the absurdity of some scenes, there is a possibility that this whole story was in Roy's head only. This was how he coped with a bleeding wound of an abandoned child. This was his healing journey, becoming a mature and free person.</div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-86397012316549379512019-10-10T10:46:00.003-07:002019-10-10T10:46:57.127-07:00Joker's Universum<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>[This is not a movie review. It's my personal opinion and feelings after watching 'Joker' in the cinema. The post contains spoilers.]</i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Loud silence</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Five hundred people filled the cinema on Sunday evening. Five hundred young craved for good entertainment people ready for consumption of tons of pop-corn and gallons of cola. I was terrified. First, crowds make me feel uncomfortable. Second, I hate the sound of crunching and chewing, along with this specific smell. But for almost two hours, there was only silence. And palpable shock.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm not very fond of cinemas, both big and small ones. I like watching horrors there, though, or catastrophic movies for better effects. But I knew that 'Joker' is the film that I must-see on the big screen only. I somehow knew this movie will be about me too.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I read the opinion that it is hard to watch, that it is a 'heavy' picture with a very stifling atmosphere, and, due to that fact, even some spectators were leaving the cinemas before the end credits. Yes, and that's the point.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I was watching this movie with nothing but satisfaction. Other feelings were not significant at the moment. Finally, someone else could feel something that is my personal experience on a daily basis. I wasn't shocked by what I see. I wasn't in shock at all. Not after all these years with my non-mother and all this crap she keeps in her head. I know, for I saw it, the viewers were confused, they felt anxiety, and at some point embarrassment. The only thing I wanted to shout to them was:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
"Welcome to my world, people!"</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>See what I see, feel what I feel</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In my opinion, as a person who, for decades, suffers from mental health problems, 'Joker' is so far the best movie depicting mental health issues. It directly tells about the causes (surprise, surprise! - Arthur's mother was a diagnosed narc, and he was abused by her lover). It also shows the dramatic results (not everyone becomes a mass murderer, but Joker's figure vividly reminds me of at least one dictator's biography). From my point of view, however, the most important thing was how Joaquin Phoenix played that part.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Portraying character with emotional disorders is not easy because most of the people, actors too, have a very shallow understanding of what does it mean someone is struggling with mental health.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In the movie, there is a scene where Arthur is with his therapist, informing him about fund cuts, and that this is their last meeting. He then said something that is an epitome of being a mentally ill person in society:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
"You don't listen."</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
When he was saying these words, he wasn't sick whatsoever. He was totally sane.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We are sick because nobody listens to us; nobody who can do something - parents, family, teachers, priests, shrinks. We must fit in some template; we must answer tendentious questions; we must obey. My therapists didn't want to listen to what I want to tell them - they only wanted me to be a 'good patient' to play another role in my life. While things I say always end in some void.</div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Arthur's voice wasn't heard, he stayed invisible. But his actions gained the attention. Why? Because he did something that many people wanted to do too. Of course, this deed was not in their name, for he didn't have any agenda. He simply was desperate. Like they were.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I won't lecture about society's unfairness and class division because it's not a real problem here. People's desperation starts long before they become grown-ups. And it also applies to rich people, expressing their despair differently. The thing is some persons endure tough times on emotional level (war, economic crisis, etc.), and some not. The internal stamina develops at home, at very early stages of life, usually, when we are too small to speak. But society stays behind our drama, e.g., when it destroys the institution of a healthy family; when there are no fathers present in our lives. It backs and covers unhealthy practices and makes them new normal. Society (family, school, church, social services, neighbors) ruined my life by letting my non-mother do whatever she wanted to do; by protecting her and not protecting my father's rights; by promoting the figure of a 'brave' lonely mother; by denying she's evil person... These made of me a vulnerable person, poorly enduring hard times.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We grow up, and we already are tired. We are fed up with being maltreated. We feel we do not belong to any kind of group, and if we do, we are not able to adjust. We feel like we are depersonalized. The frustration is more significant within years till the moment something breaks for good. If a man has no good bone, some compass-like faith in God, the tragedy is inevitable. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Antihero but hero</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Arthur craved for the attention. He wanted to be a stand-up comedian, which is quite understandable for me as people from dysfunctional families very often play the role of a court jester. They try to control the changing moods of an emotionally unstable parent by the lough. Later on, they attempt to control the bigger audience, much scarier one. I've been there, and I am a great comedian if the situation requires that. I can make others laugh, though inside, I am hauling like a wounded animal. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Do you think his laugh was a real laugh? No. It was a cry. There was nothing funny about it. And the viewers, sitting around me in the cinema, had been expressing obvious distress while watching it.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He finally attracted attention. He became a hero, a model role even. And it didn't bother him it was because of becoming a cruel murderer. He gained self-confidence no one ever gave him. His voice was heard.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>White mirror</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've read that there was massive butt-hurt among liberals concerning 'Joker.' Honestly, I have no clue why. I am not a liberal or leftist, despite my tough past and lack of family, and I don't know what so outrageous they could find about this movie. In fact, after leaving the cinema, I thought to myself: it's just a movie, and there are no political connotations in it; it's good to see such a non-engaged picture.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well, it seems leftists can see wrong things everywhere nowadays. Especially when it touches their 'subconscious biases.' Maybe they have the impression someone put the mirror in front of their eyes.</div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-25492473442310092592019-09-28T12:09:00.003-07:002019-09-28T12:09:50.921-07:00Foe of mine<div style="text-align: justify;">
Being a child of a parent who is narcissistic sadist is something awful. But the much worse situation is when one is a member of a narcissistic family. It's not so rare, and the people who are aware that there is something wrong with their clan are in very complicated circumstances. They have two options - stay with the family or run away. The first alternative means they probably won't have the chance to heal their wounds, to be themselves, to live a healthy life, full of love and happiness. If they choose to escape the gulag euphemistically called family, they should be prepared for the war. And since they are fragile human beings, usually weakened by the ordeal they came through, the fight for their own well being seems way too hard for their nervous system. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well, this is my reality. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
On the one side of the barricade, they - predators, united against me, angry people, prepared for doing really nasty things to me. Things they call love, common sense, and observing God's commandments. They have assembled everyone they could: in-laws, friends, even secret lovers. Every single attempt to convince me I am a terrible person is justified in their eyes. These persons are backed by Church, neighbors, my 'friends' and teachers from my school. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
On the other side, me. Just me. Some people told me, "you're not alone; we are with you." But once I was openly attacked by some family members, I found allies in people I didn't expect.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It took me too much time to understand why my non-mother's sibling and their spouses (and spouses' sibling) are so fierce and united in their campaign. She and they don't even like each other, they were permanent enemies, plotting and accusing one by another of real or imagined things. But this is how NPD families work - they join the forces against a common foe. In this case, the adversary is me. And this was also a mystery for me. They act as if my decision was a threat. For it is.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
NPD families are built on lies. Many lies. The person telling them the truth is dangerous and should be silenced by all means. The lies are like glue for the fiction created many years ago by our ancestors - it makes the impression everything is in the right place. They don't believe in these myths though. In their guts, they know that everything is wrong. Just like me. They simply don't know that living in truth is possible. </div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-53676278096261828342019-09-09T11:22:00.000-07:002019-09-25T10:16:23.052-07:00Is it you or is it me?<div style="text-align: justify;">
The biggest paradox of people who were not loved by their mothers (<b><a href="https://t.co/82p9bzcjt4?amp=1" target="_blank">and they are not aware of this fact</a></b>) is that they never become fully independent human beings. It's not only about being immature. It's about being a part of somebody else's body and mind. And this is the main reason these people deny anything bad happened to them from the hand of the mother. Admitting that the beloved mom, this fantastic person, contemporary saint, is, in fact, the merciless abuser is something beyond their ability. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The mechanism is simple - unborn and newborn baby is so dependent on the mother's love that he or she is a part of her body and mind. And once the love is not provided, the person stuck in this very early stage of development and cannot move on. There is, of course, a way of solving this problem by replacing the figure of the mother by someone else, by some kind of authority who supplies the child with whatever it needs. But let's be honest, no one sees such a necessity when the mother seems to be so fabulous. Besides, she would never give up on the best mean of showing off as the best parent in the world. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
For the child, saying that mommy was bad is equal to disintegrating whole the world, for if she is a terrible person, he is too. If she didn't love him, he had never existed. </div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-2299984464388448642019-09-07T13:08:00.001-07:002019-09-07T13:08:22.792-07:00Searching for Gold in a Pile of Dung<div style="text-align: justify;">
So how does the fact that you had the non-parent <b><a href="https://t.co/82p9bzcjt4?amp=1" target="_blank">similar to my non-mother</a></b> impact your life? </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Just imagine this: you were a victim - abused, sometimes 'used', neglected, maybe beaten - but you grew up without knowing the truth; you are convinced that the person who loved you the most couldn't be your abuser; you don't connect your problems with mental health or addictions to the possibility that you were not loved whatsoever and that you live in tremendous lie, backed by the family, society, church and yourself. And now, you are a grown-up person, making stupid decisions no one with a span of sanity understands. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
One of the most ludicrous choices is marrying the person who... doesn't love you. Yet, it is not so ludicrous if you'd know the truth, for this is what you've learned: to see love where there is no love, to search gold in a big reeking pile of shit. You dig and dig, you are dirtier and dirtier, but you don't give up and you find these efforts as a proof for your stamina and strong character. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's sad. It's pathetic. My heart, however, is full of compassion for these souls, because their feelings, unlike 'feelings' of the narc scumbags, preying on them, are genuine, and the pain is a hundred percent real. I'd like to tell them not to look gold where there only can be dung found. </div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-47251731318254649572019-09-06T12:41:00.001-07:002019-09-06T12:45:35.507-07:00Ugly Truth<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is hard to accept that the person you love the most hurts you. We try to 'protect' ourselves from this fact so we are finding millions of reasons why he or she is doing so. These reasons are supposed to protect the beloved one, to explain why he or she treats us like that, to justify his or her deeds. And the last thing we want to think about is that this very person makes us harm because he or she finds the ultimate pleasure in it. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
That's right - pleasure. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Not so long ago, I've learned that these people, who like causing pain and, at the same time, feel attached to the victims, are called sadists while psychopaths are those who like hurting others but don't have any particular emotions towards them hence their victims are so often killed. That's why I say that my non-mother is a sadist, not a psychopath. She thinks she loves me because she experiences huge distress while I'm far away from her. And since she believes in it so hard, almost everybody believes her.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Oh, I too believe she suffers, for the only moments of true pleasure for her was when she had the opportunity to hurt me. My pain meant she was in control over something, probably the only thing in her miserable life. But after those years without her around me, when I was washing off my soul of her venom, I realized that this wasn't just about control. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I don't find pleasure in tormenting people, especially children. In fact, the thought I could have hurt anyone is terrifying. I literally cannot sleep, dwelling on words I said that could have done harm. And the longer I am good for myself the more stunned I am how she could be so cruel for so long, and that this cruelty was escalating and evolving withing years, adjusting to my age and needs (e.g., she stopped beating me when I was a teenager but she started leaving me alone at home for days and was constantly mad at me for no reason). Like I said, now I know it was nothing but pure pleasure for her.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I call it 'ugly truth' because for the people like my non-mother the truth is something utterly bad. They want to have control over a weak and dependent human being, and there is no better one than own child. They don't see anything wrong about what they do and how their emotional world is functioning. They feel entitled to such behavior. The truth that they are the evil person is unacceptable.</div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-22290274175799557632019-09-03T13:46:00.001-07:002019-09-03T13:46:45.772-07:00Contemporary Witches<div style="text-align: justify;">
Why is it so hard to accept that there are mothers who don't love their children? Why this fact is so inconvenient for most people? As if telling it loudly was something awful. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well, the awful truth is there are bad or even evil mothers but the worse thing is being silent about it. Silence makes the following generations have no chance to live a better life, for the lack of true mother's love impacts the quality of life in the whole society. Just as one priest told me: the world is so screwed because there are stupid mothers in it. Period.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is not about some kind of witch hunt, even if I call these specific women witches. It is about improving the situation and the situation is that millions of women are nowadays ready to kill their children before (or even after) the birth in the name of 'free' choice. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But on my radar, there are women pretending love. The contemporary 'saints', with the mission to be devoted to their beloved children and, not so often, to the whole world, full of poor souls. These women, however, are not able to love anyone, either themselves. They are narcissistic witches, casting the spells on everyone around them, and few see their true faces. You cannot say that they are narcs, without being condemned by almost everyone. Believe me, you cannot!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And this is an odd thing - how people can be so blind? And the most peculiar thing is how is it that we, the children of these witches, stay in such darkness for so long, even all life, when only the truth may help us solve our various problems. This is the ultimate witchcraft!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I see them everywhere. The creations of bad mothers. If they don't become narcs themselves, they most likely have mental health issues, they are not able to sustain stable relationships, they break the law, overuse drugs and alcohol, commit suicide... And sometimes, they are so stupid that nobody can believe this is possible. People look at them, nod the heads and say: </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
"How can he/she be such an imbecile?! His/her mother was a fantastic person."</div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-55467860079929830722019-09-01T07:42:00.001-07:002019-09-01T07:42:31.535-07:00Why don't you love me?<div style="text-align: justify;">
One of the biggest milestones on my way to recovery (which still is an ongoing process) was the discovery that my non-mother simply hates me to the bone. It took me so many years to accept this obvious fact because of at least four reasons. First, Stockholm syndrome. Second, her constant lies, so common among narcs. Third, social discourse. Fourth, so-called religious upbringing. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But, since I came to this realization, I started asking myself a plain question: WHY? And again, I fell in self-blaming and looking for the explanations within myself until I remembered how I hated someone else to the bone without any particular reason. No one was more surprised by this feeling than I was. It seemed to come out of nowhere. Now it's clear that people with 'narcissistic wound' (not necessarily narcs) may have this compulsive need to direct the hatred toward one or more people. In their minds, there is, of course, a good justification for that which, in fact, doesn't have a lot in common with common sense. But... we must hate someone just like we were hated, usually by our own mother. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
However, there is one big problem here. In most cases, we don't know that our beloved mom hated us. We do not accept the reality, for it might have destroyed us. Whereas, it is quite the opposite. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's easier when people are aware that the mother never loved them. You may think that bearing this knowledge is something terrible but unawareness is much worse. This is like living with a big secret that is tormenting our subconscious and nervous system. The body knows that it was hurt and that there was no love, yet the intellect tries to dupe it. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
For my non-mother, I was the perfect scapegoat to transfer her hatred, anger, and accusations. She could blame me for everything she desired because it was allowed by her non-family, church, society, educational system, etc. She could feel the relief whenever she wanted, thus her changing moods, bursts of anger coming out of nowhere, inconsistency in the value system. Nobody knew she hated me. Nobody knew she never loved me. Nobody knew she was a real threat to my health and life on a daily basis. She was 'safe'.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-14467238842835487362019-08-19T13:22:00.001-07:002019-08-19T13:26:19.742-07:00cPTSD (it's all about the money)<div style="text-align: justify;">
Just as <b><a href="https://t.co/N9A6wfSvyf?amp=1" target="_blank">I didn't know</a></b> that my non-mother and other people around me (responsible for me at a certain time) are NPDs, I wasn't either aware that I myself struggle with Complex PTSD (cPTSD) which for instance is not being diagnosed let alone treated in Poland's psychiatric facilities. As I mentioned, no therapist wanted to listen about how the woman who gave birth to me was abusing me since the beginning of my life. My stories are not only beyond their poor medical experience but also beyond social discourse they acquired and obey, saying that deep inside, every parent is a good person and had, in fact, good intentions. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Luckily, nowadays, there are such good inventions available as Pinterest where I found many interesting sources that helped me understand my problems and find some relief. There are many good people, excellent specialists on the web who don't bother annoying medical terminology and are full of compassion toward victims of 'bad parenting'. Their articles and blogs are the best things that happened to me during previous years. I will not exaggerate if I say that they are lifesavers. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Lately, I came across <b><a href="https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/what-is-cptsd" target="_blank">this very interesting article regarding cPTSD</a></b> problem. There are these couple of lines that drew my attention, for they quite well describe what I had to go through as a baby, toddler, and a teenager:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-size: 18px;">For those who are older, being at the complete control of another person (often unable to meet their most basic needs without them), coupled with no foreseeable end in sight, can break down the psyche, the survivor's sense of self, and affect them on this deeper level. For those who go through this <b>as children</b>, because the brain is still developing and they're just beginning to learn who they are as an individual, understand the world around them, and build their first relationships - <b>severe trauma interrupts the entire course of their psychologic and neurologic development</b>.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In other words, my sadistic non-mother damaged my brain and I need to live with this ordeal every second of my life. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The worst thing about it was that I was 'unable to meet the most basic needs' without her. I was completely dependent on her. I was the captive. And this is how my brain is working all the time - in full dependency mode. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I won't provide the details right now. Just imagine you are me and you are fired. Losing my job was the moment when I realized this dependency the most, for it refreshed the memories and magnified the feeling of being a 'redundant cost' (this is how my lousy ex-boss called me while firing me and I will never forget him these words, that's for sure). But, as I told him, this is what the Providence wanted for me. I had to come back to this nonsense and to this wound in my nervous system. It was hidden though actively draining me from strength. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This is a huge abuse: implying that the worth of own child is measured by money. And this is pure evil in using the position of bread-winner in order to manipulate others who are under our custody. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: #b4a7d6; font-family: adobe-garamond-pro; font-size: 18px;"><br /></span></div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-73767376936783105712019-08-14T06:30:00.000-07:002019-08-14T12:41:17.634-07:00Inadequacy and Unworthiness<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wrote:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;"><a href="https://t.co/N9A6wfSvyf?amp=1" style="background-color: black;" target="_blank">"(...)in most cases of 'mental health issues', the problem is that we are stuck in our NPD non-parents' or caregivers' minds."</a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: "lato" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.3333px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
As we can read in the <a href="http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/blog" target="_blank">blog of Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi</a> (the Person whose work, along with late Alice Miller's books, saved my life):</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
"<span style="background-color: white; color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , serif; font-size: 16px;">Many victims of narcissistic parents are haunted by feelings of <b>inadequacy </b>and <b>unworthiness </b>as a result of innumerable verbal assaults on them as children and adults." <b><a href="http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/dont-blame-yourself-for-your-narcissistic-parents-6/" target="_blank">LINK</a></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Inadequacy and unworthiness! </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
No person is born to have the feeling that he or she is unworthy or doesn't fit any place. This is not part of our 'source code'. Other people, we are dependent to, make us feel and think this way. And the parents who are NPDs know exactly how to set up our mindset since the cradle. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Someone told me once that every mental illness is only a matter of the way we are thinking. I'd add that the matter of how we think about ourselves. People who acquired the ability to love themselves have small chances to get sick because they will be strong enough to survive even in the worst situations. For people like me, who were neglected in many aspects of life, even the small problems sometimes are an unbeatable mountain. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Why? </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Imagine you are blaming yourself for absolutely everything. Life is harsh and there are more difficult situations than simple ones, but, no matter what is happening, you feel that this is your fault, that you could have foreseen it, know things beyond your knowledge... I feel like this, for my non-mother was constantly implying these lies. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This was my fault a classmate was bullying me, </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
this was my fault the bus came too late, </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
this was my fault I was born, </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
this was my fault she was depressed, etc. etc. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
These are exactly the circumstances as to when blaming rape victims for being raped - she must have done or said something that provoked the perpetrator, she had a short skirt, she was walking alone after dark... </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The wrong mindset that is imprinted in our brains and we cannot get rid of this just like that. For if you are guilty, if you KNOW that you are a bad person, then you feel unworthy of better treatment, you don't seek help, you think you deserved everything bad that happened to you, especially the way your vicious parent is treating you.</div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-53532908090981115462019-08-13T07:29:00.001-07:002019-08-13T07:35:21.102-07:00I didn't know<div style="text-align: justify;">
I was not aware that, all the time, I was writing about NPDs (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). My mother is NPD, whole her family is NPD, the men I loved are NPDs, most of my teachers were NPDs (this is a real misfortune that even at school, I was surrounded by them), my bosses and colleagues were NPDs. I published <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0787BQ6FZ/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_tkin_p1_i1" target="_blank"><b>"Guide for (Ultimate) Losers,"</b></a> and I was completely unaware that I am referring to this kind of 'personality' in it. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This very discovery helped much more than any kind of therapy or auto-therapy could do. Because, once I learned about it from academic sources, I stopped believing that I can fix any one of these people, for they are... fixed personalities. They don't want to change although, sometimes, they pretend they want being healed in order to keep their victims close and to continue their torment. Well, I did suspect I cannot change such a person - that's why I stopped contacting my non-mother and her non-family - but there is always this tiny hope of a little child, betrayed by the parents, that if he/she would do or say something in a different way, the family member will understand everything and the things will be better from now on. No, nothing will be better! Never!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am quite sure that in most cases of 'mental health issues', the problem is that we are stuck in our NPD non-parents' or caregivers' minds. We function in their system of 'values', we constantly operate the terminology they had invented for the purposes of their crooked brains. We are NEVER free. People with anxiety problems, depression, CHAD or schizophrenia are inmates in these prisons of evil people who "were destined to be lost".</div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-47097173113695713862019-07-08T12:13:00.000-07:002019-07-08T12:13:34.440-07:00The Maze of Oblivion<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>The </b><b>memory is a </b><b>key to mental health</b>. Only those people and the nations who remember their past - and do not deny it no matter how bad it was - have the chance to be completely sane. That's why the movie <b>"Maze Runner"</b> is the best allegory of what exactly mental disease is.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
If you didn't see it, spoiler alert. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Becoming a member of the group living inside of the Maze is something scary. Everything is scary, just like while being mentally ill. You don't know what is going on yet you need to survive, adjust, obey the rules. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Right, the rules... Just as I mentioned in the last post, there are many people who will tell you what you should do or think if you are sick. The world of shrinks and therapists is represented by the character named Gally - do not ask, do not try to get out, stay safe where you are, searching for answers may be dangerous, and, of course, follow the rules that make we feel relatively comfortable. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The one thing making that the group members didn't take the risk the main character took right away after showing up in the Maze, is oblivion, and to be more precise, unawareness of whole the situation they are in. Naturally, the nasty creatures emerging after dark are also dreadful but when I was watching the movie I realized that the boys were subconsciously afraid of unknown hidden further, behind the threat they learned to live with. And they didn't have a reliance on any memories. They lacked the base they could stay on. Just as people with mental illnesses.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
People who have no idea how it is to live with mental illness, do not understand that the problem with memories do not always concern the events themselves but emotions related to these events. We do not remember the fear associated with violence we experienced, with beating, parents' screams and anger of theirs. We are detached from the pain we felt, from loneliness without limits... Honestly, for most of our lives, we are detached from ourselves. And this is something most of the other people want from us - to stay in terror, to obey the rules, to take the meds, do not ask the inconvenient questions... do not run.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHg_Aa-vQoxqIOKD7_9u_YnhvBg0W4g1bFbu794fhhc18Vo7V6D4Ou_MgB0wcGtF2rW3KU6pq0ERvKNpt6x78fELWX88gRhAsL2c2_iRF6fHDptWoXTm-zu4ZhHYx_AhoEU9y1XeokDoo/s1600/27263545.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHg_Aa-vQoxqIOKD7_9u_YnhvBg0W4g1bFbu794fhhc18Vo7V6D4Ou_MgB0wcGtF2rW3KU6pq0ERvKNpt6x78fELWX88gRhAsL2c2_iRF6fHDptWoXTm-zu4ZhHYx_AhoEU9y1XeokDoo/s1600/27263545.png" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-60939713266810641042019-05-22T12:28:00.001-07:002019-05-24T02:43:50.898-07:00Non-Mental<div style="text-align: justify;">
There is this huge common misconception among 'healthy' people that mental illnesses are incurable. As a result, they seem to demand from ill persons to behave and think in a certain way. Shrinks express such opinions loudly and without any shade of shame. Others just signalize these expectations in a more concealed way. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Many doctors and therapists, once the diagnosis is announced, list the things the patient should do or think and, above all, they say that this is "for the rest of your life". This approach let them control, not cure, patients. It takes away the responsibility from their shoulders, they can wear their 'normal' clothes and go back home after the shift without guilt. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I experienced this situation only once. And I told myself I will do whatever I can to prove them wrong. It is possible that, when the time is good, I will sue the doctor and whole the ward I was 'treated' in. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I solved my problems. I found the cure. I discovered the truth about myself, about my non-mother, non-family, non-teachers, non-doctors... It took me over six years though it shouldn't have been such a struggle if I only have had a good treatment. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But it is not the time for regrets. Now, it is time to live. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicQJ4bdRNPtQTzyswdyU8qozVXk9kAGhYtw9ogqmmgShJ-tV4C9iYPVV-Zt5FhT5Pay_7mymQWoicNncb0H29LBMM-T6deeaLm5vfjXlxQrZJptzlDFO7k5PTYKjWbF33mgJsR9VCGq44/s1600/HappyBirthday%2521+%25282%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicQJ4bdRNPtQTzyswdyU8qozVXk9kAGhYtw9ogqmmgShJ-tV4C9iYPVV-Zt5FhT5Pay_7mymQWoicNncb0H29LBMM-T6deeaLm5vfjXlxQrZJptzlDFO7k5PTYKjWbF33mgJsR9VCGq44/s320/HappyBirthday%2521+%25282%2529.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8080571786210201991.post-9599773087427526442019-03-27T03:01:00.001-07:002019-03-27T03:01:41.812-07:00Invisible Fortress<div style="text-align: justify;">
Nobody knew how I was spending Sunday morning. But it was awesome. The fact that I wasn't noticed didn't spoil my mood. For some time, I have been aware that this is how I want my life looks like - I am invisible, unimportant, forgotten... despite the voice of anxiety says something opposite. I am happy when no one is judging me or even look at me. But the problem is that the only effective cure for my emotional issues is doing things that may expose me to the overall sight. And this is awful.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
*** </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Not so long time ago, I discovered that people who have suicidal thoughts - like me - are those who depend on others' opinion too much and it concerns really serious and essential things. That's why it is so hard to live the life of an invisible person. It is hard to ensure the acceptance for own deeds and decisions internally. I still look around as if someone 'important' would say that I and my actions are important or unimportant, that I deserve for some kind of approval or not... </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This very knowledge started changing my mindset. But, paradoxically, only criticism and rejection created proper situations in which I could 'train' my will and change my way of thinking. I could begin building my fortress I should have built as a child. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
*** </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The fortress means a single person doesn't lose the connection with own self. The walls protecting the core of the existence are high and strong. I don't depend on anybody's opinion. Nobody can tell me that I don't deserve to live or to be loved. And this is what I had believed in for a very long time. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In the case of people like me, it is very easy to undermine our strength and self-confidence. Sometimes, banal things can trigger the decision of taking own life. That's why I try as much as I can to be nice and kind (or stay away if I am not able to be), for I don't know the mental state of the person I am talking to. We really never know...</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYQZQHF23KDZshA0yYUdZdwuJB0xs4xCW441QCnLHoKnYTmUaPSILD9rfe0dKhXX_MfGkOKwQMMGxk_RkjPfhtfcXjEE4yIVaE_SELE5M2mj614mPJaoYyk2kmFBEZGVDHI0YLVjVY0E4/s1600/4-7FB520B2-644424-480.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="320" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYQZQHF23KDZshA0yYUdZdwuJB0xs4xCW441QCnLHoKnYTmUaPSILD9rfe0dKhXX_MfGkOKwQMMGxk_RkjPfhtfcXjEE4yIVaE_SELE5M2mj614mPJaoYyk2kmFBEZGVDHI0YLVjVY0E4/s320/4-7FB520B2-644424-480.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Róża Lewanowiczhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17636772671273805164noreply@blogger.com0