Ugly Truth

It is hard to accept that the person you love the most hurts you. We try to 'protect' ourselves from this fact so we are finding millions of reasons why he or she is doing so. These reasons are supposed to protect the beloved one, to explain why he or she treats us like that, to justify his or her deeds. And the last thing we want to think about is that this very person makes us harm because he or she finds the ultimate pleasure in it. 

That's right - pleasure. 

Not so long ago, I've learned that these people, who like causing pain and, at the same time, feel attached to the victims, are called sadists while psychopaths are those who like hurting others but don't have any particular emotions towards them hence their victims are so often killed. That's why I say that my non-mother is a sadist, not a psychopath. She thinks she loves me because she experiences huge distress while I'm far away from her. And since she believes in it so hard, almost everybody believes her.

Oh, I too believe she suffers, for the only moments of true pleasure for her was when she had the opportunity to hurt me. My pain meant she was in control over something, probably the only thing in her miserable life. But after those years without her around me, when I was washing off my soul of her venom, I realized that this wasn't just about control. 

I don't find pleasure in tormenting people, especially children. In fact, the thought I could have hurt anyone is terrifying. I literally cannot sleep, dwelling on words I said that could have done harm. And the longer I am good for myself the more stunned I am how she could be so cruel for so long, and that this cruelty was escalating and evolving withing years, adjusting to my age and needs (e.g., she stopped beating me when I was a teenager but she started leaving me alone at home for days and was constantly mad at me for no reason). Like I said, now I know it was nothing but pure pleasure for her.

I call it 'ugly truth' because for the people like my non-mother the truth is something utterly bad. They want to have control over a weak and dependent human being, and there is no better one than own child. They don't see anything wrong about what they do and how their emotional world is functioning. They feel entitled to such behavior. The truth that they are the evil person is unacceptable.