Monday 14 March 2016

Cosmic Expectation

Expectations are the Loop. The less you were loved in childhood the bigger your expectations are during the rest of your life. And this is absolutely natural, I cannot rid of the emotions, they are part of me. The problem is when I am not aware I have them and that they ruin my present day and my future. The disabled man from Bethesda pond was in the loop of vain expectations, pointless waiting... Every time he saw the moving of water's surface his hopes for meeting the right person, who will understand his situation, revived. I think he didn't get what was going on with him either, otherwise he wouldn't wait. Exactly the same thing happened to me - I didn't know what I wanted, what was my lack. When I learned this I tried to deprive myself these expectations of. Why? Because they hurt. I suffer so much every time someone whom I love disappoints me. And I love much too often than I'd like to. I love too much in general. 

I had no choice but get used to my enormously big expectations, I cannot cut them off. They exist because of my past, they made me me. But I must handle them in different way than before. Sometimes, I use them as a fuel in order to thrive my "projects", eg. writing a novel, for this is huge, cosmic power: craving for being loved. And it's better if it is constructive rather than destructive, isn't it?

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