Just as I didn't know that my non-mother and other people around me (responsible for me at a certain time) are NPDs, I wasn't either aware that I myself struggle with Complex PTSD (cPTSD) which for instance is not being diagnosed let alone treated in Poland's psychiatric facilities. As I mentioned, no therapist wanted to listen about how the woman who gave birth to me was abusing me since the beginning of my life. My stories are not only beyond their poor medical experience but also beyond social discourse they acquired and obey, saying that deep inside, every parent is a good person and had, in fact, good intentions.
Luckily, nowadays, there are such good inventions available as Pinterest where I found many interesting sources that helped me understand my problems and find some relief. There are many good people, excellent specialists on the web who don't bother annoying medical terminology and are full of compassion toward victims of 'bad parenting'. Their articles and blogs are the best things that happened to me during previous years. I will not exaggerate if I say that they are lifesavers.
Lately, I came across this very interesting article regarding cPTSD problem. There are these couple of lines that drew my attention, for they quite well describe what I had to go through as a baby, toddler, and a teenager:
For those who are older, being at the complete control of another person (often unable to meet their most basic needs without them), coupled with no foreseeable end in sight, can break down the psyche, the survivor's sense of self, and affect them on this deeper level. For those who go through this as children, because the brain is still developing and they're just beginning to learn who they are as an individual, understand the world around them, and build their first relationships - severe trauma interrupts the entire course of their psychologic and neurologic development.
In other words, my sadistic non-mother damaged my brain and I need to live with this ordeal every second of my life.
The worst thing about it was that I was 'unable to meet the most basic needs' without her. I was completely dependent on her. I was the captive. And this is how my brain is working all the time - in full dependency mode.
I won't provide the details right now. Just imagine you are me and you are fired. Losing my job was the moment when I realized this dependency the most, for it refreshed the memories and magnified the feeling of being a 'redundant cost' (this is how my lousy ex-boss called me while firing me and I will never forget him these words, that's for sure). But, as I told him, this is what the Providence wanted for me. I had to come back to this nonsense and to this wound in my nervous system. It was hidden though actively draining me from strength.
This is a huge abuse: implying that the worth of own child is measured by money. And this is pure evil in using the position of bread-winner in order to manipulate others who are under our custody.