Monday 19 August 2019

cPTSD (it's all about the money)

Just as I didn't know that my non-mother and other people around me (responsible for me at a certain time) are NPDs, I wasn't either aware that I myself struggle with Complex PTSD (cPTSD) which for instance is not being diagnosed let alone treated in Poland's psychiatric facilities. As I mentioned, no therapist wanted to listen about how the woman who gave birth to me was abusing me since the beginning of my life. My stories are not only beyond their poor medical experience but also beyond social discourse they acquired and obey, saying that deep inside, every parent is a good person and had, in fact, good intentions. 

Luckily, nowadays, there are such good inventions available as Pinterest where I found many interesting sources that helped me understand my problems and find some relief. There are many good people, excellent specialists on the web who don't bother annoying medical terminology and are full of compassion toward victims of 'bad parenting'. Their articles and blogs are the best things that happened to me during previous years. I will not exaggerate if I say that they are lifesavers. 

Lately, I came across this very interesting article regarding cPTSD problem. There are these couple of lines that drew my attention, for they quite well describe what I had to go through as a baby, toddler, and a teenager:

For those who are older, being at the complete control of another person (often unable to meet their most basic needs without them), coupled with no foreseeable end in sight, can break down the psyche, the survivor's sense of self, and affect them on this deeper level. For those who go through this as children, because the brain is still developing and they're just beginning to learn who they are as an individual, understand the world around them, and build their first relationships - severe trauma interrupts the entire course of their psychologic and neurologic development.

In other words, my sadistic non-mother damaged my brain and I need to live with this ordeal every second of my life. 

The worst thing about it was that I was 'unable to meet the most basic needs' without her. I was completely dependent on her. I was the captive. And this is how my brain is working all the time - in full dependency mode. 

I won't provide the details right now. Just imagine you are me and you are fired. Losing my job was the moment when I realized this dependency the most, for it refreshed the memories and magnified the feeling of being a 'redundant cost' (this is how my lousy ex-boss called me while firing me and I will never forget him these words, that's for sure). But, as I told him, this is what the Providence wanted for me. I had to come back to this nonsense and to this wound in my nervous system. It was hidden though actively draining me from strength.  

This is a huge abuse: implying that the worth of own child is measured by money. And this is pure evil in using the position of bread-winner in order to manipulate others who are under our custody. 

Wednesday 14 August 2019

Inadequacy and Unworthiness

I wrote:

As we can read in the blog of Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi (the Person whose work, along with late Alice Miller's books, saved my life):

"Many victims of narcissistic parents are haunted by feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness as a result of innumerable verbal assaults on them as children and adults." LINK

Inadequacy and unworthiness! 

No person is born to have the feeling that he or she is unworthy or doesn't fit any place. This is not part of our 'source code'. Other people, we are dependent to, make us feel and think this way. And the parents who are NPDs know exactly how to set up our mindset since the cradle. 

Someone told me once that every mental illness is only a matter of the way we are thinking. I'd add that the matter of how we think about ourselves. People who acquired the ability to love themselves have small chances to get sick because they will be strong enough to survive even in the worst situations. For people like me, who were neglected in many aspects of life, even the small problems sometimes are an unbeatable mountain. 


Imagine you are blaming yourself for absolutely everything. Life is harsh and there are more difficult situations than simple ones, but, no matter what is happening, you feel that this is your fault, that you could have foreseen it, know things beyond your knowledge... I feel like this, for my non-mother was constantly implying these lies. 
This was my fault a classmate was bullying me, 
this was my fault the bus came too late, 
this was my fault I was born, 
this was my fault she was depressed, etc. etc. 
These are exactly the circumstances as to when blaming rape victims for being raped - she must have done or said something that provoked the perpetrator, she had a short skirt, she was walking alone after dark... 

The wrong mindset that is imprinted in our brains and we cannot get rid of this just like that. For if you are guilty, if you KNOW that you are a bad person, then you feel unworthy of better treatment, you don't seek help, you think you deserved everything bad that happened to you, especially the way your vicious parent is treating you.

Tuesday 13 August 2019

I didn't know

I was not aware that, all the time, I was writing about NPDs (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). My mother is NPD, whole her family is NPD, the men I loved are NPDs, most of my teachers were NPDs (this is a real misfortune that even at school, I was surrounded by them), my bosses and colleagues were NPDs. I published "Guide for (Ultimate) Losers," and I was completely unaware that I am referring to this kind of 'personality' in it. 

This very discovery helped much more than any kind of therapy or auto-therapy could do. Because, once I learned about it from academic sources, I stopped believing that I can fix any one of these people, for they are... fixed personalities. They don't want to change although, sometimes, they pretend they want being healed in order to keep their victims close and to continue their torment. Well, I did suspect I cannot change such a person - that's why I stopped contacting my non-mother and her non-family - but there is always this tiny hope of a little child, betrayed by the parents, that if he/she would do or say something in a different way, the family member will understand everything and the things will be better from now on. No, nothing will be better! Never!

I am quite sure that in most cases of 'mental health issues', the problem is that we are stuck in our NPD non-parents' or caregivers' minds. We function in their system of 'values', we constantly operate the terminology they had invented for the purposes of their crooked brains. We are NEVER free. People with anxiety problems, depression, CHAD or schizophrenia are inmates in these prisons of evil people who "were destined to be lost".

A Good Life

As I wrote once, life becomes a big project of coping with daily-basis problems if you have mental health issues. It's not easy, for it ...