Thursday 29 November 2018

The Biggest Surprise Ever

Couple of weeks ago, I wrote:

Today, I know something very important that may change my daily basis in the future. 
In the next posts, I described my ordeal with anxiety, fear and suicidal thoughts. And, suddenly, it struck me that this is the answer to the unasked question:

What for real is this 'fragile fundament' my emotional stability depends on?

In case of people who were raised by normal loving parents or carers, this fundament is their own self. In my case, it had been always my mother with her moods and unpredictable behavior (wrongly named 'love'). I've learned that I have no right to feel good until she wouldn't let me. I couldn't be convinced that I have right to live until I didn't receive her approval. Later on, other people showed up who were very similar to her, preying on this weakness... I was trained not to live but to be depended on somebody else's opinion and decision. I had been trying this trick also with God - the Giver of freedom; as expected, He didn't played this game.

So, how does it look in real life? In life where there is no longer my mother nor other bad people? You may assume, it is much better... But it's not, because the nerve system still works its own way.

It is exactly how I described it in the post: 'Suicidal Daily Basis'. This is the living in uncertainty. Waiting for something bad and scary - just as I had been waiting many years ago. 

But when I focus myself on the cause of my state, this anxiety fades. And this was the biggest surprise I've experienced since I remember. It actually works! 

I imagine myself my internal world as if it was standing on very unstable base, and the base simply is my mother's mood and opinion. I remove it, e.g. by smashing with the hammer, and put myself on the stabile ground: my-own-self. I am no longer shaking. I am standing. And now I can walk.

Saturday 24 November 2018

50 Shades of Pain

I still don't know how to merge the two worlds I live in... But at least I know better now why do they exist.

If I look closer at my emotions, I can see very clearly what kind of situation I was in as a child and that I had been desperately trying to recreate it as an older me. While experiencing the rejection from the mother (later on from the father and other important people), you may feel as if you are not invited to the world you want to find yourself the most. Mother's role (or someone who is replacing her) is crucial when we are very little babies. We need her as if she was some kind of a mirror in which we can see us and gain the certainty that we are real and that our emotions are true. If she doesn't ensure this... we have the impression we live in two separate worlds.

After many years, it turned out that I was always right by trying to recreate that situation when I attempted to gain somebody's attention and to acquire the permission to become the part of this person's life. Well... of course, I was right until I was using my brain and getting the point that repeating this actions one by one (with different people) is complete nonsense. I needed to stop and think what I am really doing. What am I recreating? 

The thing is I cannot simply stop doing it. I cannot say that I don't need this love and the sense I am important to someone who is important to me. But the biggest issue is that people important to me don't want me... So - impasse?

No! Everything is fine, since I am aware. Awareness, again, saves me, even if I tend to think that I am lost... The knowledge gives me the opportunity to direct my actions and thoughts where they should be. Pain doesn't disappear nor fade, whatsoever. Still, it has a little bit different shade than before.

Wednesday 21 November 2018

The Only Companion I Have

In the book "The Notes from the Abyss", I wrote that I distinguished at least five main factors that may lead to suicide thoughts... 

Well, I thought I was very honest by doing so, and that I am opening up about my real experiences and feelings. But the list is not completed. There is one particular thing making my life unbearable and turning my daily basis into nightmare. 

It is fear.

Not an anxiety, described in specialistic literature (e.g. by Joseph LeDoux), but rather the terror...

What I am afraid of?

My own mother. 

Since I remember (since I was two or three-year-old), I was scared to death in her presence. 

Now, imagine this situation - you live with the person you love the most; you are depended on her in every aspect of your life; you are alone and nobody knows what you're going through... And that person is your tormentor, some kind of lunatic that hurts you every time you look at her, and sometimes she's nice and seems to have quite clear mind.

First of all, I was afraid that she's gonna kill me. Literally. Unbelievable? Unheard of? She wouldn't be the first parent who kills the child after all, would she?

Second, I was physically maltreated. Tapped, pinched, brutally treated (e.g. when dressed). And couple of times severely beaten. I was constantly experiencing some kind of pain. All day long... 

Third, and probably the worst for my nerve system, I was humiliated, ashamed, offended, or just left alone, e.g. when she had decided not to talk to me for three days out of no reason. I don't remember any good day in my life with her. 

To sum up - I am trained only to be scared. The fear accompanies me in every second, every minute... and it never leaves me. But I want to leave the fear. I don't want to feel it anymore. But nothing helped. NOTHING! The death seemed to be the one and only solution.

To be honest, I was trying to find the remedy in wrong places and with wrong people. And this is not odd if we consider that I didn't really named the problem. Even when my friend, the lawyer, has been telling me that I am nothing to be afraid of, that the law protects me - I didn't feel a relieve. I think that I am only at the very beginning of my road to something better...

Monday 19 November 2018


I'm sure, you all know the touching stories about people who were trying to commit suicide, but, just before this final act, they met someone kind who told them not to do so... 

And how many people did NOT meet such person? 

I didn't.

I am invisible with my problems. Just as many other people are. 

We shouldn't be deluded - vast majority of population not only has little awareness about mental health problems, but they are not even interested in increasing their knowledge or empathy. We are alone. 

And I think that it is huge mistake to wait for someone who could help us. It is waste of time. Moreover, this attitude may lead us to making our condition even worse. 

I didn't kill myself only for one reason - Faith. I believed in God and I entrusted Him... But the example of my grandmother showed me that sometimes it is not enough. There is something missing that I should have given myself. And this one thing is God's gift: a talent. 

If I feel badly - I write. 
If I have problem that seems to be unbeatable - I write. 
If someone hurts me - I write.

My late uncle, while fighting with certain issues, was baking the cakes (and they were delicious). 

And everyone should find this one thing that become our anchor keeping us safe and alive.

Sunday 11 November 2018

Adoption is not an Option

I've never told about that anyone. I didn't even say this thing to myself, I didn't write it down in my diaries, thinking that if I will avoid the truth it would disappear. 

It didn't. 

The truth has this one feature that, when denied, it becomes real 'problem', it grows and tugs us stronger and stronger, until something breaks...

I regret I was born. 

Simple as that. Yet... appalling and unbelievable. 

I regret I came to this world and that I live my life. Why? At the first glimpse, because of the pain I live with. Because of the shame I feel though there is no reason to feel it. 
But when I go down deeper into my emotions, I see this unspoken thought suggesting that I shouldn't be born, because it would make some things easier... 

The question is what things? And for whom?

The demonic answer is that for me. I'm serious. I hear that 'voice' in my head. But this is ridiculous. 

I remember very well the countless situations my mother had been saying that she 'regrets' I was with her, because, if it wasn't for me, she could go out for a date with this handsome policeman... or do anything else. She was the one who was constantly pondering how her life would look like if she didn't have me. And she is not an exceptional situation, for we all heard about parents telling their children that they ruined the parents' lives only by coming to this world. 

So, by thinking I regret I was born, I still protect her. She didn't abort me and this is something good (but nothing extraordinary), however she had no ability to take care of me and she wasn't mature enough to find me someone who would ensure better protection and upbringing for me.

(Writer's) Independence Day

Today, Poland celebrates 100 years of Independence. And this is something really big and important. 

I know very well how it is not to be independent and has no right to have own identity... Unfortunately, also as a writer. But at least at this one aspect I could reclaim my rights and publish books I write without 'help' of any third party.

Yesterday, I managed to publish the collection of essays "The Notes from the Abyss" in paperback. The book is now available on Amazon, and, what is important, it is not expensive ;) 


Thursday 8 November 2018

14 Reasons

The reasons I find myself not worthy of living:

1. I am not fully healthy
2. I cannot cope when working with psychopaths 
3. I spend money - for food, clothes, shoes, bus tickets, books, furniture (yes, basically everything)
4. I am not young
5. I am not pretty 
6. I am not skinny
7. I have no husband nor kids
8. My publisher is a thief 
9. My books don't sell well
10. I didn't provide any positive input for the society (I am not a good person)
11. God did not listen to my prayers (when I asked for one specific thing)
12. I don't speak to my family
13. I breathe
14. I am terrified 

Now, look at the list above and add one sentence: "and this is my fault". 
For I am blaming myself for everything - real or imagined. 

But there is something deeper, the fundament - conviction that until these reasons are live I am not worthy of being loved. 

And look at the point 14. - I am blaming myself for anxiety, my fears, psychosis that have been tormenting me for years. And this has no sense (if I think about it with clear mind), whatsoever. Yet the fear is the second 'leg' my mental problems are standing on, apart of guilt. 

The most important aspect of this situation is that I am programmed to find the new reasons as if some kind of tape with strange voice was broadcasted every time I feel better. Some evil power tries to pull me down and, in certain occasions, it is stronger and more vicious. 

But there is the truth hidden from my sight for years: the list shouldn't exist. This way of thinking is a denial of God's Law; this faul mindset that we need to 'deserve' for love, for life... And the fear I am experiencing is about I will never be good enough and I will never feel what does it mean to be loved. And if so... then the life has no sense.

Sunday 4 November 2018

Suicidal Daily Basis

In our lives, nothing can be taken for granted. But there is nothing less sure than living the life of a person with mental health problems. You don't know what the next day will bring, what may cause you're gonna feel even worse than yesterday; you cannot predict what could make you more anxious than you are daily. And you don't know if the upcoming events will ruin the fragile fundament your emotional stability depends on...

In my case, the absolute turn was when I accepted the fact that I cannot guarantee myself that I will stand another day without doing something stupid or harmful. I didn't do such a thing, still... I cannot be deluded. This awareness was one burden less on my shoulders.

For the most part of my life, I felt I was hounded. And, unfortunately, in too many situations, it wasn't only feeling but reality. I was hounded and bullied by my own mother and her family. Thus I become easy prey for other predators - at school, in the army, at my work... And this is something I cannot prevail, for I don't know whether another person will be tormenting me tomorrow and, by doing this, she or he will destroy me again. 

A Good Life

As I wrote once, life becomes a big project of coping with daily-basis problems if you have mental health issues. It's not easy, for it ...