Wednesday 31 January 2018

Moving Out, Moving In, Moving On

Finally, after long seven years of waiting (being too poor), I flew to the vacation. Believe me or not, spending two weeks in some nice resort in Polish mountains or at the seashore still is too expensive for my thin wallet, so I had to choose a cheaper option - Canary Islands. 
Eight years ago, I had been spending a short vacation on Fuerteventura with one day on Lanzarote where I am now, repairing my emotional and physical condition. And, what is very interesting, where I want to move. 
Yep, I suddenly saw a need to change the place I live in. And it is not a whim or something that occurred couple days ago. No! This very idea showed up last year and the feeling that I should do so was really strong. My approach to it however is very careful. From my experience, every changes - especially those crazy ones - should be conducted after a very long consideration. But... not too long. Because, if this indeed is something that comes from my heart, I need to act decisively, whit a head on my neck and right away.

Saturday 13 January 2018

The Core

The worst nightmare you had? Do you remember?
Mine was terrifying.
I was sitting in a room and I realized there was someone else sitting in front of me. I looked up there and I saw... myself. It was me, but not me I knew. It was the person I had been scared of for most part of my life. The core of me. First, I froze. Then, I wanted to say something to me, to calm down the person I see. But she attacked me fiercely.

It took me at least five years to understand the meaning of the dream. I had to go down deeply into myself. How did I do it? I suffered. I was tormented. I was left alone by everyone. I had depression. I was hungry. And every time I experienced any kind of distress, I had been turning to God, reproaching, grieving, crying... But He wasn't keen to talk back. In fact, He was very quiet until His voice silenced for good.

I understood.
The person I need to talk to is the woman from my nightmare because the stage of becoming independent human being wasn't closed. Me as me was rejected by my mother. I had to develop some other personality, to wear masks, to be someone else in order to earn somebody's love... But love means acceptance for who I really am.

Now, I cannot expect this very acceptance from others. The only person who can do that is me.

Monday 1 January 2018

Princess Diana and Princess Marilyn

If you were not loved by your parents and by nobody else whatsoever, but, unfortunatelly, you are pretty or sexy girl and, later on, a smart woman, you learn very quickly that your beauty and sex appeal may buy you a "love", which, in fact, is only some kind of attention and admiration. 
Undoubtely, either late Diana Spencer nor Marilyn Monroe had loving parents and carers as a little girls. They were not wanted, always rejected, not good enough... Reading their biographies made my heart bleed in excruciating pain. But it took me some time to realise that both of them were 36-years-old when they died tragicly. And only when I turned 36, I fully understood their situation. 

This age is very special for women. The body changes rapidly. The face is no longer so shiny and fresh. It is hard to sustain proper weight. And the mind, much more bright than before, starts to realise that past is past and the ageing cannot be stoped. Well, for "normal" woman, who has all stages of her psychological developement closed, this is the time of new prospects. She may feel sad looking at the mirror and not seeing that smooth and nice face, but she has so much more reasons to live longer - family, children, friends, career, glass of wine in the evening, favourite TV series etc. But, for us, the "sweet dolls", "little princesess" this is the end of everything, unless... we, by some miracle, become "aware" princesses. 

In case of Diana and Marilyn, the miracle didn't happen. The lines of their lives - filled with drugs overuse, eating disorders, believing in superstitions and nonsenses read from the tarot - had been leading straight to the doomed end. 

Marilyn's real name was Norma. And if you take a glimpse of the pictures taken while she was very young, you will see a normal looking girl. Eccept she wasn't loved. She used her sharp mind (she was very smart) to draw the attention of other people. "Boobs and butt" instead of intelligence and modesty. Platin blonde hair and a perl-white smile instead of a gentle look and a simple hairstyle. 
The people "bought" it, yet the pain had been intensifying. Norma didn't feel the love the fans all over the world showed her... 

Reading biography of Diana, written by Andrew Morton, was one of the less pleasant experiences in my life. Nobody cared of this girl. From the very beginning, she was a huge disapointment, only because she wasn't a boy (what is interesting, one of her sons was the same disapointment for not being a girl). When she had been marrying Charles, she practically was a child and I am fully convinced she remained the child till her demise. 
And she had been "selling" some kind of fake picture of herself, too. Full of contradictions, always knew how to make people's hearts beat faster. Innocent gaze under golden fringe, silent voice, proper pose and, at the same time, countless affairs (or just gossips about them), controversial moves, interviews set up with the press she supposedely hated so much... She hid herself behind charity work - which provided the most of people's admiration - so the pain seemed to be fading. Her last days were filled with constant work and her life was much too fast...

So about me... I am no longer pretty. The sweet doll disappeared. I am overweight and a little bit clumsy. My legs and arms look like fat sausages and I'm constantly tired. I look like normal woman, almost 40-years-old. Naturally, I felt an excruciating pain, since I've lost the things I was buying people's admiration and attention with. Yet, I am alive. I have prospects, I've just received an offer of  a good job, my next novels are to be printed... The pain didn't fade, but the awareness is keeping me in vertical. And there is something much more important - Faith. 

I am not against the charity work neither against career in show business, but I think that in God's intention our personal good is much more important, for:

"What, then, will anyone gain by winning the whole world and forfeiting his life? Or what can anyone offer in exchange for his life?" [Matthew, 16,26]

A Good Life

As I wrote once, life becomes a big project of coping with daily-basis problems if you have mental health issues. It's not easy, for it ...