We are a different species. Nobody can actually understand us; others can only accept we exist, that's it. But honestly, it's enough as lack of acceptance is one of the factors that kill us in the first place.
I don't know how it is to want to live. I just don't. If I had ever known, I forgot when I was five or six.
Why? What for? For this pain? For never-ending torment?
I can never predict when it will hit me. But it's easier to function being aware I'm not free from this burden. It is part of me; it's me, and I cannot decline myself. That's what the costly therapy taught me.
The very first baby step: accept and love all your parts, even if no one in this world would do that. Sorry - especially when no one would do that.
I was so tired of searching for the will of life in me that this effort has been consuming strength's remnants I had left. So, I stopped. I simply live the life as it is - day by day.