Monday, 13 January 2020

Meghan, the Queen of narcs

I have been observing this drama for some time, perhaps six or so months. I only started my research with regards to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and everything that was related to this topic interested me very much. I don't know what was first exactly: some blog posts, or maybe I was checking specific hashtags on Twitter. Nevertheless, I've learned that some people find Meghan Markle an NPD person. So, since I was regularly updated, current events didn't shock me, not as much as they shocked most of the population. I only didn't expect she would come to the realization of her vicious, though evident for rational thinking people, plans so soon. Well, I suppose she was simply annoyed by pretending. 

This woman makes me creeps. Sometimes, she makes the exact facial expressions my narc-non-mother did. Yet, such a story helps me with my own past. Why? Because if you witness with your own eyes as one narcissistic wench destroys the monarchy lasting for nearly a Millenium, you are less eager to underestimate the person who was bulldozing your life for decades. 

Every narc has an agenda. Always! You may think that MM planned to become the biggest star in this world, and the British monarchy was just a trampoline to achieve this goal. Probably, she feels the same. Or maybe we are wrong in this matter, and the aim is in a completely different place. 

NPDs (just as the suicides, people with anorexia, or people who hurt themselves with sharp objects) don't have a sense of control over their own lives. So, they control others. Imagine how insecure Markle must have been since she needed to take control of one of the most powerful families in the world. Her 'dependency mode' reached the highest level of all, as high as the one of Martin Luter's who dared to confront the Catholic Church, the most potent organization back then. 

And you know what? I think she feels hurt by fate; she indeed suffers and has the feeling that she needs to recover what she has lost. Many people believe she's calculating, but if so, there wouldn't be a rush. Calculating people, eg., psychopaths, are cold, while MM is in a fever. How can I tell that? Well, I was 'raised' by one of her kind.

This story helped me understand two things. First, I finally faced the music and apprehended, vague up to this point, suspicions that my non-mother always had an agenda, and I always knew what it was. Everything was calculated to make me a personal servant for life. Every word, gesture, and a decision was supposed to keep me with her. She had been using many tools to accomplish her plan, but the most wicked ones were guilt, anxiety, playing the victim card, and isolation. Second, I realized there was something else hidden, just as in the case of MM. Non-mother too felt mistreated by fate's current, and she also craved for proper compensation. But foremost, this was an act of revenge on my non-father for not loving her and showing me affection instead.

I can only add one thing - poor Archie...

Tuesday, 7 January 2020


Kasia, a 33-year-old woman suffering from bipolar disorder, is leaving the psychiatric hospital. She promises herself to make an order in her unstable so far life. Also, she takes a new drug, which allows her to think about the future in slightly brighter colors. She returns to Warsaw, and after the first unpleasant events, she manages to find a job and kind people who offer her a helping hand. However, despite these hopes and improving well-being, her calmness is suddenly destroyed by very disturbing delusions. When she comes across a handsome (and the flesh-and-blood) Prince, everything begins to get even more complicated. Kasia faces the challenge of comprehending herself, her distressing past, and, at the same time, accepting who she really is. The fate of women is intertwined with the paths of other people who also struggle with numerous personal difficulties, and thanks to Kasia, they slowly begin to discover their identity.

Monday, 23 December 2019

Judgement Day

Dependency mode I wrote about stands on a stabile ground of conviction that whatever I do or say must be assessed by someone else. It's only some other people who can give us the right to undertake certain actions, and, what is worse, to live in general. We seldom ask the question who gave this right to them and rarely asked us why we gave it away. But these are the fundamental issues of ours. 

It is a matter of mindset - we are led by some thoughts that impact our bodies, emotions, and decision processes, yet we are not aware of them. These very thoughts had been imprinted a long time ago by significant people, authorities at that time, and there is no surprise that in their interest was to make of us obedient puppets. In plain words, we were taught what to think, not how to think

Dependency mode causes we are afraid of being judged and condemned. The more we are scared, the bigger the risk of becoming a developed narc or a suicide (the latter, more likely), for we do not belong to ourselves. Never! And for many of us, there comes the day when there is this one wrong assessment too much of handling. 

Sunday, 15 December 2019

I lie so I am right

Narcs lie for one particular reason - to create the reality in which all the deeds of theirs are justified.

They don't know one thing, though. They are not able to comprehend their faults and sins because of pain that devours them from inside as if admitting they did something wrong might cause even more hurt. Of course, that's not the truth. 

I am far from defending people with NPD, for most of them are who they became as adults due to their own choices (or lack of choices). But I perfectly understand that the pain they live with is unbearable, and no one who did not experience it has the right to assess that he or she would behave differently if he or she would be in narc's shoes. No, you have no idea what you would do, feeling what they feel. 

Unfortunately, the problem is these individuals have no idea what they feel. They are as far as possible from their own interiors. And by denying wrong deeds, they are even further. It is hard to convince most of the people that confessing sins may help because, according to current social discourse, flaws and weaknesses indicate we are less, and no one wants to be less, especially narcs. 

It took me lots of time to solve this problem: why denying hurts us? But it's simple. To deny the truth, we usually use cognitive dissonance. By doing so, we became personal adversaries of our own bodies; and we start getting crazy. 

Cognitive dissonance is a bitch. Lying, treacherous, deadly bitch. Only, in case of people with NPD, it is a total game-changer; to be exact - brain-changer. Narcs believe that what they feel at the moment, and what they think, is the one and righteous judgment in the Universe. I was raised by the narcissistic witch; thus, I know exactly how it looks in practice. 

"I go to church, and I am a catholic, but, in this case, I think I didn't do anything wrong because I feel so. Yeah, having an affair with a married man, having a baby with him, and not telling him about the pregnancy sounds not right but not in my situation, for my situation is different and extraordinary, and you must accustom my beliefs, not the doctrine of the Church".

You look at this person when she says something like this, and you think there is nothing that can help her. She is just lost since she has no hint that things can be otherwise. And even if she's your own mother, in most cases, it is better to run from her to heal wounds she caused within years.

Tuesday, 26 November 2019

Narc's Turning Point

Why do the narcs need followers? They don't exist without fans around them; they crave the limelight as other humans need oxygen.

The mechanism is simple - people who don't have a conscience still need someone who'd back their actions. People who hate themselves seek 'love' somewhere else. The last thing you can tell about narcs is that they are independent persons. And don't be fooled by how they ghost or discard others - finding new followers (better looking, wealthier ones) is easy as a walk in the park for these individuals.

Narcissists find themselves as the most unattractive beings in this world. But, contrary to the suicides, they never ever will admit that fact. They look at themselves through the eyes of other people, and since they have this fantastic ability to find enthusiasts of their fake image at every circumstance, they don't see any flaws. Very convenient, isn't it? Except it is not.

As I witnessed it once, the narcissist can instantly turn suicidal. Let all these followers disappear; let them vanish along with fame, fortune, and, in some cases, a person who was a narc's victim, e.g., the child. Such a situation may be a beginning of the end or... a chance. Will he or she use it as a turning point? That depends only on individual choice.

Wednesday, 20 November 2019

The mystery of the suicidal brain

You may have a narcissistic wound, yet you don't have to become a narc. But if you won't seek help, this wound will turn your life into the nightmare, and, eventually, it may lead you to suicidal death. This is what happened to me. Thank God, I didn't kill myself, and for the first time in my life, I don't want to die (since I was six to be exact), but I live with the trauma that paints my reality in very dark shades. 

Yes, I believe that narcs and suicides are two sides of the same coin. However, people with a narcissistic personality disorder willingly choose to hurt others to make their lives more bearable; they do not develop the conscience. They use their natural talents for immoral purposes. These talents are: creating a fake image and the ability to summon their own followers. 

Becoming a popular or even a famous person is the primary goal of every narc. That's why creating the image consumes the whole of their energy. Hurting or destroying other individuals don't bother them. They suppress every single remorse, and they do that until the conscience is silenced for good. 

People with suicidal thoughts want to be liked. It seems to be similar to narc's desire to become a famous person but make no mistake - they desperately want to please everyone but themselves, for they think that this is the only way to stop hating themselves. They, too, live in dependency mode, but fame and popularity are not what they are interested in. Those people, just like I did, think that they don't deserve to be treated well, and very often, they are children of narcissistic parents. 

I suppose I will never understand why persons with this kind of wound choose such different paths. I don't even know precisely why I became a suicide with mental health problems, not a narcissistic personality. Sometimes, this direction was very tempting and seemed to be easier to endure. Maybe it's because I have chosen God and His plan for my life, or perhaps there have been some other factors that prevailed. I really want to discover the truth. 

Sunday, 3 November 2019

Project manager for life

If you were not loved by anyone, you feel like you are drowning. All the time. 

The pain comes back one time by another, and you have no way to escape it because the only cure is being loved by someone significant. 

This is how we were created - we must experience love; otherwise, our life is unbearable. 

I've learned to provide good things for myself, which is very helpful. There are moments of my existence that are too hard, though, and I need to acquire the ability to cope with them. The nervous system is 'overloaded,' I am tired and bit confused.

In fact, at some point, the life of a person who did not experience love and who did experience a lot of abuse turns into a big project of coping with the results of a painful past. And most of the people around us have no idea about our fight; they don't see survivors in us. We're lucky if they don't consider us as losers.

Meghan, the Queen of narcs

I have been observing this drama for some time, perhaps six or so months. I only started my research with regards to Narcissistic Personali...