We, Suicidals

 We are a different species. Nobody can actually understand us; others can only accept we exist, that's it. But honestly, it's enough as lack of acceptance is one of the factors that kill us in the first place.

I don't know how it is to want to live. I just don't. If I had ever known, I forgot when I was five or six.

Why? What for? For this pain? For never-ending torment?

I can never predict when it will hit me. But it's easier to function being aware I'm not free from this burden. It is part of me; it's me, and I cannot decline myself. That's what the costly therapy taught me. 

The very first baby step: accept and love all your parts, even if no one in this world would do that. Sorry - especially when no one would do that. 

I was so tired of searching for the will of life in me that this effort has been consuming strength's remnants I had left. So, I stopped. I simply live the life as it is - day by day.

Real-life Squid Game

If you happened to watch the second episode of the Netflix series "Squid Game," what did you make of the decision of the people who came back to the game? 

I thought: "Losers!"

...and only a couple of weeks later, I did precisely the same.

Two months ago, I got seriously sick. It was Friday, and I attended an online meeting with two colleagues when I felt I was not entirely lucid. To make the story short - for the first time in my life, I was SURE I was going to die, and when I realized I may get better somehow, I didn't expect to recover any soon. Yet, after only eight weeks, I am here again, working, meeting with the very same colleagues, delivering the documentation. 

At the moment I discovered I got a very high fever, I knew, I was entirely sure that the real reason for my sickness - which was the result of the immune system's collapse - was my work, the environment I found myself in. And, for the most time, I had been promising myself I will never ever come back there. But when they called saying they were waiting, I automatically, as if I was some brainless robot, answered, "OK, I'll be there soon." 

I know this game is dangerous; it can even kill me. But I need money as, without it, I will die for sure. 

So, the "Squid Game" series is about many of us - people who have no choice or whose choices lead them inevitably to the sad end. Because no matter what, the game we play is rigged. 

Meghan, the Queen of narcs

I have been observing this drama for some time, perhaps six or so months. I only started my research with regards to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and everything that was related to this topic interested me very much. I don't know what was first exactly: some blog posts, or maybe I was checking specific hashtags on Twitter. Nevertheless, I've learned that some people find Meghan Markle an NPD person. So, since I was regularly updated, current events didn't shock me, not as much as they shocked most of the population. I only didn't expect she would come to the realization of her vicious, though evident for rational thinking people, plans so soon. Well, I suppose she was simply annoyed by pretending. 

This woman makes me creeps. Sometimes, she makes the exact facial expressions my narc-non-mother did. Yet, such a story helps me with my own past. Why? Because if you witness with your own eyes as one narcissistic wench destroys the monarchy lasting for nearly a Millenium, you are less eager to underestimate the person who was bulldozing your life for decades. 

Every narc has an agenda. Always! You may think that MM planned to become the biggest star in this world, and the British monarchy was just a trampoline to achieve this goal. Probably, she feels the same. Or maybe we are wrong in this matter, and the aim is in a completely different place. 

NPDs (just as the suicides, people with anorexia, or people who hurt themselves with sharp objects) don't have a sense of control over their own lives. So, they control others. Imagine how insecure Markle must have been since she needed to take control of one of the most powerful families in the world. Her 'dependency mode' reached the highest level of all, as high as the one of Martin Luter's who dared to confront the Catholic Church, the most potent organization back then. 

And you know what? I think she feels hurt by fate; she indeed suffers and has the feeling that she needs to recover what she has lost. Many people believe she's calculating, but if so, there wouldn't be a rush. Calculating people, eg., psychopaths, are cold, while MM is in a fever. How can I tell that? Well, I was 'raised' by one of her kind.

This story helped me understand two things. First, I finally faced the music and apprehended, vague up to this point, suspicions that my non-mother always had an agenda, and I always knew what it was. Everything was calculated to make me a personal servant for life. Every word, gesture, and a decision was supposed to keep me with her. She had been using many tools to accomplish her plan, but the most wicked ones were guilt, anxiety, playing the victim card, and isolation. Second, I realized there was something else hidden, just as in the case of MM. Non-mother too felt mistreated by fate's current, and she also craved for proper compensation. But foremost, this was an act of revenge on my non-father for not loving her and showing me affection instead.

I can only add one thing - poor Archie...

Marianna

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Kasia, a 33-year-old woman suffering from bipolar disorder, is leaving the psychiatric hospital. She promises herself to make an order in her unstable so far life. Also, she takes a new drug, which allows her to think about the future in slightly brighter colors. She returns to Warsaw, and after the first unpleasant events, she manages to find a job and kind people who offer her a helping hand. However, despite these hopes and improving well-being, her calmness is suddenly destroyed by very disturbing delusions. When she comes across a handsome (and the flesh-and-blood) Prince, everything begins to get even more complicated. Kasia faces the challenge of comprehending herself, her distressing past, and, at the same time, accepting who she really is. The fate of women is intertwined with the paths of other people who also struggle with numerous personal difficulties, and thanks to Kasia, they slowly begin to discover their identity.

Judgement Day

Dependency mode I wrote about stands on a stabile ground of conviction that whatever I do or say must be assessed by someone else. It's only some other people who can give us the right to undertake certain actions, and, what is worse, to live in general. We seldom ask the question who gave this right to them and rarely asked us why we gave it away. But these are the fundamental issues of ours. 

It is a matter of mindset - we are led by some thoughts that impact our bodies, emotions, and decision processes, yet we are not aware of them. These very thoughts had been imprinted a long time ago by significant people, authorities at that time, and there is no surprise that in their interest was to make of us obedient puppets. In plain words, we were taught what to think, not how to think. 

Dependency mode causes we are afraid of being judged and condemned. The more we are scared, the bigger the risk of becoming a developed narc or a suicide (the latter, more likely), for we do not belong to ourselves. Never! And for many of us, there comes the day when there is this one wrong assessment too much of handling. 

I lie so I am right

Narcs lie for one particular reason - to create the reality in which all the deeds of theirs are justified.

They don't know one thing, though. They are not able to comprehend their faults and sins because of pain that devours them from inside as if admitting they did something wrong might cause even more hurt. Of course, that's not the truth. 

I am far from defending people with NPD, for most of them are who they became as adults due to their own choices (or lack of choices). But I perfectly understand that the pain they live with is unbearable, and no one who did not experience it has the right to assess that he or she would behave differently if he or she would be in narc's shoes. No, you have no idea what you would do, feeling what they feel. 

Unfortunately, the problem is these individuals have no idea what they feel. They are as far as possible from their own interiors. And by denying wrong deeds, they are even further. It is hard to convince most of the people that confessing sins may help because, according to current social discourse, flaws and weaknesses indicate we are less, and no one wants to be less, especially narcs. 

It took me lots of time to solve this problem: why denying hurts us? But it's simple. To deny the truth, we usually use cognitive dissonance. By doing so, we became personal adversaries of our own bodies; and we start getting crazy. 

Cognitive dissonance is a bitch. Lying, treacherous, deadly bitch. Only, in case of people with NPD, it is a total game-changer; to be exact - brain-changer. Narcs believe that what they feel at the moment, and what they think, is the one and righteous judgment in the Universe. I was raised by the narcissistic witch; thus, I know exactly how it looks in practice. 

"I go to church, and I am a catholic, but, in this case, I think I didn't do anything wrong because I feel so. Yeah, having an affair with a married man, having a baby with him, and not telling him about the pregnancy sounds not right but not in my situation, for my situation is different and extraordinary, and you must accustom my beliefs, not the doctrine of the Church".

You look at this person when she says something like this, and you think there is nothing that can help her. She is just lost since she has no hint that things can be otherwise. And even if she's your own mother, in most cases, it is better to run from her to heal wounds she caused within years.

Narc's Turning Point

Why do the narcs need followers? They don't exist without fans around them; they crave the limelight as other humans need oxygen.

The mechanism is simple - people who don't have a conscience still need someone who'd back their actions. People who hate themselves seek 'love' somewhere else. The last thing you can tell about narcs is that they are independent persons. And don't be fooled by how they ghost or discard others - finding new followers (better looking, wealthier ones) is easy as a walk in the park for these individuals.

Narcissists find themselves as the most unattractive beings in this world. But, contrary to the suicides, they never ever will admit that fact. They look at themselves through the eyes of other people, and since they have this fantastic ability to find enthusiasts of their fake image at every circumstance, they don't see any flaws. Very convenient, isn't it? Except it is not.

As I witnessed it once, the narcissist can instantly turn suicidal. Let all these followers disappear; let them vanish along with fame, fortune, and, in some cases, a person who was a narc's victim, e.g., the child. Such a situation may be a beginning of the end or... a chance. Will he or she use it as a turning point? That depends only on individual choice.