Invisible Fortress

Nobody knew how I was spending Sunday morning. But it was awesome. The fact that I wasn't noticed didn't spoil my mood. For some time, I have been aware that this is how I want my life looks like - I am invisible, unimportant, forgotten... despite the voice of anxiety says something opposite. I am happy when no one is judging me or even look at me. But the problem is that the only effective cure for my emotional issues is doing things that may expose me to the overall sight. And this is awful.

*** 

Not so long time ago, I discovered that people who have suicidal thoughts - like me - are those who depend on others' opinion too much and it concerns really serious and essential things. That's why it is so hard to live the life of an invisible person. It is hard to ensure the acceptance for own deeds and decisions internally. I still look around as if someone 'important' would say that I and my actions are important or unimportant, that I deserve for some kind of approval or not... 

This very knowledge started changing my mindset. But, paradoxically, only criticism and rejection created proper situations in which I could 'train' my will and change my way of thinking. I could begin building my fortress I should have built as a child. 

*** 

The fortress means a single person doesn't lose the connection with own self. The walls protecting the core of the existence are high and strong. I don't depend on anybody's opinion. Nobody can tell me that I don't deserve to live or to be loved. And this is what I had believed in for a very long time. 

In the case of people like me, it is very easy to undermine our strength and self-confidence. Sometimes, banal things can trigger the decision of taking own life. That's why I try as much as I can to be nice and kind (or stay away if I am not able to be), for I don't know the mental state of the person I am talking to. We really never know...

Up-Side-Down

I'm sure you all know some movies or TV series where the main character struggles with the trauma he or she doesn't remember. It haunts that person though it is hidden deep in the subconscious. 

I don't remember what caused my own trauma. I really don't. But it impacts my life every second. 

So maybe I'll describe what it does with me, how it changes my mindset.

It is like finding myself in 'up-side-down world' depicted in 'Stranger Things' series. I freeze with terror. I cannot move. Everything I see and experience changes. I feel the fear of being outcasted from the world, the reality we all know. Everyone seems to be against me and I am stupid and unimportant. There is no one who could or want to protect me, backing me and my case.

The situation with losing my job intensified the trauma or just unveiled what I was trying to hide in order to avoid the pain. Except I still don't see what it is...

*** 

I freeze... Like an animal. Scared to death. 

I remember countless times I was frozen because of fear. And I had a good reason for that. 

I am not ACoA though my experiences are very similar to theirs. Besides, my mother, for a short period of time, had been drinking a lot, not coming back home for hours and, after showing up, being aggressive. I was scratching walls in my room out of unbearable stress.

The main problem I had to face all that time (now too) was loneliness. I had no one. NO ONE! Many people were aware of my situation though. People are still blind to somebody else's pain.

*** 

The story of my life is searching for a spirit mate, for someone who could be with me no matter what, no matter if I use big fonts or my language skills are poor. 

I don't remember the circumstances I felt like this for the first time - the rejection, the feeling that I am being banished from this planet. This is my trauma. 

I remember though when I for the first time felt abandoned by God. Priest's words, in ears of a little, very sensitive girl, sound like God's statement. This wound is still bleeding. 

Take Care

Well, maybe my 'suicidal brain' works a little bit better now but I still need to struggle with other problems. The worst of them is anxiety.

The fact that I was fired last Tuesday doesn't improve my state. It reminds me of all these awful situations when I felt like the worst sort of trash. And I don't know if the moment when you hear you are fired is so bad or it is worsened by the suppressed memories. 

I realized that I constantly try to find a place with the people who won't disappoint me as if this could heal my wounds. When I read this review of my book where someone called it 'huge disappointment', it occurred to me that the only person who shouldn't do that is me. And the only Person I should never in my life deliberately disappoint is God. 

But when someone fires you - especially when you struggle with mental illness - you are more than anxious. You ask yourself the questions whether you could do something to prevent it; whether you could predict it; didn't you see it was coming? You blame yourself... 

However, at some point, you know that you're better now when you start thinking about yourself with a concern. The anxiety is no longer the main voice in your head, it is not leading you. You worry that these circumstances may harm you, cause a relapse, ruin the stability you built with such an effort. At first, you are mad at the person who did it to you (in this situation, the boss) but then you need to get a grip and take care of yourself - this time, better than before.

Dear Amazon Customer, I was waiting for you

I rarely (almost never) relate to opinions about my books. But this time is special because I was waiting for this particular 'review' for a very long time. So thank you dear Amazon Customer for your time and sacrifice. 

You may read it on Amazon or here:

The book is printed in a very large font, it is double spaced (at first, I looked to see if I had mistakenly ordered the large print for visually impaired; I didn't) and the author uses no articles in her writing whatsoever. It is very choppy reading and she keeps referring to her other "posts"; I wonder if she just took part of a blog she writes and had it printed as a book. I wasted the $8+ for this one. I read LOTS of books and never bother writing a review since I can usually just trudge on through most anything, but this one is impossible. Very incohesive and no pertinent information concerning suicide. Huge disappointment!!

Let's start from the end: 'a huge disappointment'.

Well... I am not surprised. I am a disappointment for everyone around me since I was born and I mentioned that fact not once. This is one of the main reasons I wanted to die since I was six. And that's why I wrote and published the book - to tell about it. 

It is hard to know what other people expect by reading a book about someone else's suicidal thoughts and mental problems. Honestly, I don't care what people expect. Sorry, that's the fact. This very book - a collection of essays I had been writing for almost a year (yes, they were primarily part of a blog) - helped me cope with the issues that weren't solved in a psychiatric ward by the best (allegedly) shrinks in this country and by the best (allegedly) meds in this world. 

So, this time, I may have disappointed someone else but, for the first time in my life, not myself.

Second thing: 'big letters'.

Seriously?! Is this a problem? No comment.

Third: 'Waste of money'.

That happened. I feel the same buying many things even books. 

Last but not least: 'Language'.

Oh, yes. Let's get back to this topic when you learn Polish and try to publish some books in this language. 

Besides, I use now Grammarly (which btw underlined one mistake in your review) and my life is much better now ;)

-------------------------------------------------

Anyway, I only today realized that 'the suicidal brain' is something I forgot about. Really! It happened. As I said, my intention while writing and publishing the book wasn't helping anyone else but me. I don't know how it works but every time I wrote a post in English, something in my brain repaired itself. And once I published the book on Amazon... Well, that was a magic experience.

Stockholm Syndrome

Working in the places I shouldn't work in and being with people I shouldn't spend time with results in constant tiredness. I am exhausted, drained, barely alive... My brain is fried. My body aches. 

Just one person can bring me to this state. One! I wake up and I think that I must meet her or him, and my whole day will be ruined. 

Now, imagine you are a little child and you must live under one roof with the person who is a sadist, who doesn't love you, who turns your life into a disaster... Sometimes, there is psychical and physical abuse involved, and sometimes, sexual assaults even. Yet, you cannot escape, you must stay, be alone with your ordeal. In such situations, not so rarely, children protect their tormentors, hide the wounds, remain silent or loudly praise parents' and carers' virtues. You may say, it is Stockholm syndrome and you probably are right. But from my childhood, I remember these flashes of very clear thinking when I was aware of what is going on in my life. 

In those moments, I was really me. 

There was however a price for awareness - loneliness, rejection, fear of becoming an outcast. So I wasn't really me. I was choosing loyalty towards my sadistic mother. I was trying to understand her, to find nonexistent virtues in her, to love her as much as I could... And by 'love' I recognize 'having feelings'. I didn't know that loving doesn't mean having feelings, not always. I was forcing myself to like the person who was awful, aggressive, mean to me, and emotionally unstable. 

Nowadays, I need to struggle with similar situations, in which I meet bad people or people who are aggressive and mean to me. The knowledge that I cannot escape kills me again... But when I recall my childhood I try to remember particularly about the moments of awareness because I then was truly free though maybe a little bit lonely. I need to be aware right now too.