Sunday 14 August 2016

Portal Into The Right Side Of Reality

Have you watched the TV series "Stranger Things" with Winnona Ryder? (if not, spoiler alert!) 
Although I think the title is much overrated, at least in Polish internet, I found the idea of "upside-down world" very interesting, because I had the feeling I know what it could be to get there. Actually, in my case, it would be reversed challenge: how to get out of this place (state of mind). 
After writing previous post, I suddenly saw my past as the reality of total upside-down world and the post as an act of right-side world, meaning something I couldn't achieve in that dark place. So I reviewed everything from better perspective and I had to ask this question: what is the fundament of the wrong place I come from? The answer is in one word: Guilt. 

My everyday efforts are currently focused on doing things as they should be done. I desperately want to live in healthy environment, according to God's wish... But I cannot make this dreams come true as long as I don't know what was wrong then. And, quite so, it was reversing of everything. 
I had been witnessing debauchery, but I, as a little girl, was blamed for having "dirty" thoughts. I heard only untruth coming out of my mother's mouths, but I was named "lier". She hated church, but it was me who had been called "unbeliever" (I was four at that moment). Now I know I was used as a scapegoat for her (and not only her) sins and complexes. 
This is how I was taught how to build relationships: either I am guilty, or someone else is. If I didn't want to feel guilty, I had to be strong, merciless or... very righteous, so that I could become a judge of everyone (like my mother or internet trolls). I was fixated on justice, I was constantly fighting for fair rights, wherever I went. And I wasn't aware I am on war with her... That I desperately demand justice for me, the little girl, who can't carry this burden anymore.

Tuesday 9 August 2016

Next Station: The Coven

They are multi-talented women. They have charm, sense of humor, bright minds, popularity... They are shining diamonds among the female part of population. But, if they were not loved as little girls, as adult persons they become true Witches. All the gifts they came to the world with are directed to one purpose: controlling other people. They literally use black magic, their own spells, in order to manipulate, destroy, play with feelings of other people... to make themselves happy, at last.
The Witches however die unhappy, for they realise, at the final days, that they did not succeed, that something went wrong, but not always they know what it was. 
Unfortunately I witnessed the death of my grandmother - one of the most talented Witches I met. After her demise I had been so depressed that I even had memory loss episodes. I knew... I was just aware, deeply in my soul, how much she suffered. This was my agony too, also because she didn't give me the true love the real grannies give to their grandchildren. All in vain, whole life, filled with fight, turned out to be journey into wrong place... 
My mother. Yes, she is Witch as well. And she taught me all the spells she inherited from her mother. Beautiful, talented, smart and... so evil, only because she wanted to deny her misery against herself.
Princes' and Princesses' mothers. Mistresses of controlling, steering other people's lifes, especially their own offspring. They brain-wash the sons' and daughters' minds since the craddle. They push the children to make the choices that would fill  the empty hole in their souls. But they don't know that they are the slaves, for they cannot control their own lives, so they produce another generation of unhappy slaves.
Am I the Witch? 
I know how to be one. And I can be really good bad person, if not controlling myself. 

Sunday 7 August 2016


I sometimes behave like my friend with schizophrenia who had "predicted" his mental illness before it really occurred. I write or tell about something and I had no idea I am clarifying another issue I've been struggling with for quite a time. 

I mentioned being occupied by compulsions, but I did not get the point that it explains the biggest crisis which has been tormented me for the last two and a half years. For over a decade, I had been in good terms with my compulsions, because they gave me strength and motivation many times, which was absolutely providential for someone who literally lives in the autistic box and is cut off from "normal" social life. But these "good terms" seem to be terminated. To be more specific: I realized that I wanted to control the wrong things. Wrong for me. 
But! They still come back to me. That's why I feel as if I constantly was torn apart by... doubts. Is it good that I give up these compulsions? This is strength and motivation after all, right?
Yet the problem has its roots even deeper - in my upbringing. This is also some kind of matrix I was building my thinking on. This was the dark propaganda of a person who was obsessed with controlling me and my mind. 
"Our life is different. Our situation is exceptional. I must act like that. We have no choice. The happiness of ordinary people is not for us... not for you. You cannot escape. You must accept this fate." 
So, it is not weird I have doubts when I try to live the life of an ordinary person when I decline to be a slave of any compulsion and I want to terminate any insane obligation that was put on my conscience. 

Thursday 4 August 2016

So Nice...

It's sooner than later to my new novel being published.
So nice feeling...

A Good Life

As I wrote once, life becomes a big project of coping with daily-basis problems if you have mental health issues. It's not easy, for it ...