Wednesday 30 January 2019

People We (don't) Love

In "Guide For (Ultimate) Losers", I wrote about 'people who have never existed', describing the relationships only recreating suppressed feelings toward our parents. If you watched the movie about Tonya Harding - mentioned in the last post - you learned that, after some time, she also realized that her love for her husband was, in fact, the same circumstance she had been in with her mother as a child.

Lately, I had a chance to see how much I was right with my conclusions. People I (don't) love impact my life even more than I thought. People who are only the holograms helping me experience past emotions.

So who are they? 

First, they don't love me. Their first reaction to my presence is hate, anger, and fear. But they hide these feelings and the first behavior is admiration. They praise me for something I do or say...

Second, at some point, they start to sabotage me and my work. Initially, I am not aware of that fact, for they misled me by their compliments. They don't do what they are supposed to do, just like my mother who wasn't fulfilling her parental duties. This passive-aggressive behavior is the ultimate way of expressing hate and anger, even worse than open attacks. 

Third, they expect me to do things they neglected. I am the one who must take their responsibilities on my shoulders. I was responsible for my mother's mood; for improving her relations with her parents; for knowing things little kids don't know because they are too little; for having capacities little kids don't acquire until the parents won't teach them. Now, 'these people' expect me to be an expert in areas that are beyond my knowledge and ability. 

And fourth, they manipulate me by guilt. It is very easy to convince little child that he or she is guilty of various things even though it is against any logic. Then, this conviction is implemented in our brains and makes us vulnerable and susceptible to unspoken persuasions. We quickly play a role of... the malefactor.

This is how I discovered the biggest misunderstanding in my life. 

I caught myself on brooding on what is wrong with me that I constantly came across 'these people'. I was thinking: "There must be something in me, some failure they can see and feel and this is why they behave so badly". Well, there is none. Every time, I am lured into their game, as an actor, the hologram... It seemed that I need them too to play in my own show, but I don't. I don't need any hologram since I can write about everything that happened to me.

Sunday 27 January 2019


Just as a good book can help us make clear certain topics in minds, specific movies may cause a healthy shock by showing us our life from another perspective - as an outside witness.

I watched a film about Tonya Harding, the (in)famous figure skater, with Margot Robbie playing Tonya. I mean, I didn't see the whole film simply because I felt too big distress. It was like watching my own story, despite these stories - her and mine - seem to be so different.

The mother... Aggressive, full of hate towards everything and everyone, especially her daughter. And the daughter had a huge talent quickly discovered by the mother who invented how to exploit it in order to fulfill her own agenda. While watching the movie, I realized that this was only an excuse for her to abuse the girl even more. 

When I was six, my mother sent me to piano lessons, not even asking me if I wanted it. She found out that I love classical music and that I can 'hear' it so she figured out that this would be the source of her own fame. Of course, she couldn't afford the lessons, for we were always poor just as Tonya's family, but she soon realized that this is a fantastic justification for her cruelty and playing the role of a martyr who pays last money to make my future better. For me, there had been six years of unimaginable stress because, in addition, the teacher was nothing but sadistic a**hole who, once noticed that his 'teaching methods' are not condemned, was tormenting me more and more... After the piano course ended, I never played again though I often dreamt about it; I just couldn't force myself.

Luckily, I had other talents left, not entirely taken from me, but, as I understood, for Tonya Harding, skating was the most important thing in her life. And apparently, she had nicer trainers. 

There are many scenes in this movie that reminded me of my own childhood. But one of them was this one drop too much in my bitter cup. Tonya was going for training and the mother demanded a goodbye kiss... though, a seconds earlier, she was humiliating her daughter. I froze. I was in exactly the same situation. THE SAME! As if someone saw my life and filmed part of it. There is a huge difference between having this scene in memory and watching it as a spectator.

Tonya paid the enormous price for being upbrought this way. I know that many people were laughing while watching this movie but there is nothing funny in it. We may be misled by her pose, sharp tongue and dashing manners, however, they are this second side of the coin I wrote before about - aggression. I was devoured by anxiety - she by the anger. 

Saturday 26 January 2019


I am reading a book right now about anxiety and aggression. Yes, apparently contemporary psychology also came to the conclusion that these are two sides of one coin and there is no fear without anger and vice versa. And this is good. This is very good that I could find such a book written by a serious person who has academic degree and at the same time is considered as an authority. As I mentioned in "The Notes from the Abyss", in certain situations, we need to get these right things from important people - parents, teachers, doctors or scientists. Our nervous system craves for wisdom and support from such people.

I had an only vague conviction that I was right about anxiety-anger coexistence. It was based on my own experience and observations, but it is much better if I can read about that in the academic work, especially that, it concerns problems of little children. I thought to myself: "It is awesome that this book exists and is available. What a relief!". 

Thursday 24 January 2019

Big Belly

I watched the photos made in a photo booth during the company event. And I was alarmed seeing my... belly. I am not thin or fit, mostly because of my age and thyroid disease, but it looked enormously big under my dress, way too big than it should be. What is worse, it's got even bigger since the party like a balloon. This comparison is justified, for, underneath my tightened skin, there is mostly air. It's not aching though I feel discomfort. And, for a long time, I didn't know what is the cause. 

I was in this embarrassing situation before, to be more exact - five years ago and more, but back then, I thought it was related to my current problems at work with an awful boss (and not only him). I was wrong - these events had been only reminding me of something I wanted to forget about, something that caused that I cannot breathe so I am desperately trying to inhale some air into my lungs. I am inhaling and inhaling yet I still feel that I am suffocating so I am catching more air and, as a result, it is also in my stomach and in my enlarging abdomen. My breaths are short but more frequent, but muscles are not oxygenated properly hence I am tired and more stressed.

The cause of my short breaths is fear - just as of most of my problems. I am afraid of being judged and punished for my 'sins' and the judge and the executioner in the same person was my mother. There were other people later on but she was scaring me the most. You cannot imagine how cruel young woman can be for a little girl and how unjust. First, my guilts were in most cases only in her imagination (and even if not she had no right to abuse me in any way). Second, I never had a person who could take my side, who could be my advocate; oh, on the contrary - she had a lot of helpers in her cruelty around her just as she has them today. 

Honestly, I have no idea how to cope with this problem. I cannot give myself a guarantee that, once the circumstances are changed, I won't be afraid of confrontation and that I won't recreate this sequence once more. This is a complicated case, for, as I wrote last time, this fear is not only because of the possibility of being hurt but also because of my own anger. I am simply afraid of my anger. It scares me so much just as the anger of my mother scared me a long time ago. My feelings are terrifying and I haven't learned how to accept they are part of me and, in many situations, they are justified. 

Tuesday 22 January 2019

So Angry with These People

I wrote that 'escapism became my second nature'. The thing is I have been wrongly assuming that escapes are something bad; I even once met a psychiatrist (another moron) who assessed that this is a symptom of emotional issues... Maybe it is but it is also very important information - so crucial in the proper medical examination - saying that something bad happened in patient's life and that the patient will be 'telling' this story by escapes until he or she will have an opportunity to tell about it with words. 

I by definition escape from contact with people though I crave their presence in my life. Okay, I avoid very specific kind of people. And, every time they stand on my way, I am sick, and I want to run away. And I didn't know why. Of course, it's because they hurt me or are some other kind of threat. The threat that reminds me of something from the past. 

Unfortunately, the side effect of being raised by an emotionally unstable mother is being equipped with the feature I call 'excessive empathy'. I need only a few seconds to read another person's emotional state and not only this current one but a general mental situation. This is exhausting and causes that I can precisely predict future events with this very person (I think I described it quite well in 'Guide for [ultimate] Losers'). I am NEVER wrong, not in this case.

It is possible that I create the situations in which I can experience repressed emotions with these specific people. Maybe so... The problem is they are responding to me too because this is what their uniqueness is about - they also 'read' me and want to recreate certain situations from the past except they are not aware of that fact whatsoever. 

Right now, I am experiencing such a story once more. And I am sick of it. I am fed up with people who are like my parents especially in places I work in. And this is not the fear I am escaping from but rage, pure fury, and hate... 

I am angry with my parents because they didn't love me and didn't give me what they should have. I had two options: confrontation or escape. The second solution is better because there was no common space in them on which we could find understanding. I know that because I tried solution number one couple of times - with poor results for my health and wellbeing. I am angry with these 'certain people' because I know there is no this space in them either and because, in case of any difficult situation, they will blame me for everything... just like my parents did.

Saturday 19 January 2019

Combat Mode

It is very nice when you have a good and stable job ensuring proper monthly salary; when you don't have to be worried about bills and mortgage repayment; when you can afford not only for meeting basic needs but also for some extravagancies like buying dresses and shoes you dream about, going to fancy vacations and furnishing your flat just as you wish.

It is nice as long as it is not.

Sometimes, and I am the best example, the times of prosperity ruin the wellbeing so badly that the body starts to die. Because, above all, we need a purpose, a thing that makes our life meaningful. And when we must fight for certain things (e.g. paying all debts) we are set in the 'combat mode' and, for some of us, like me, this combat should be very hard and even brutal otherwise... there is no point in living. 

Up the moment I had been making any decision because of fear, everything seemed to be easy. I was 'creating' the situations in which I could feel the anxiety from my childhood (e.g. in regard to mother who was addicted to taking and not paying the loans I had to pay) and I was trying to escape from it. But when you got rid of the fear or your awareness is big enough to avoid this way of behavior the algorithm of deciding must change. You leave your loop and you start living your own life which also must have the purpose.

So this is the question that I am asking myself lately: how can I arrange my current life to find myself in the combat mode again but without fear and repeating stupid actions? 

What I am fighting for this time? 

Thursday 17 January 2019


My old acquaintance, a woman ten years older than me, confessed once that she feels caged. And this statement wouldn't be so appalling if she wouldn't say that about her marriage. She and her husband had taken a mortgage for their big house and the estimated time of repayment was forty years. Well, she was forty back then so she knew that this is a very long time. She said that, after signing the agreement with a bank, she felt as if an invisible hand was squeezing her throat (I know the feeling). They took this loan together and she had an impression that it was binding them more than the wedlock did. 

I cannot stop thinking about this woman and her confession though it was over ten years ago. She married the man she supposedly loved... Supposedly. 

I mention her today, for I feel exactly the same way - caged. Because I must work with people. With people - in certain circumstances. There are the days, like today, when my cage is even tighter and smaller. I'm suffocating. I cannot breathe. And I don't have hope.

I could ask my friend why she married this guy in the first place but it would be pointless. I know why she did it. Just as I know why I work with people albeit I shouldn't.  

Monday 14 January 2019

The Fearless Escapist

I wrote that I had to become someone else in order to achieve certain things - find a good job ensuring I won't be poor or homeless. I also started to suspect that neither poverty nor lack of home has been the factors that motivated me for years. I am surer now it always was the unaware compulsion to stay close to the situations that scare me despite I desperately wanted to escape this fear... 

Most parents are not interested in what career would be suitable for their children so they decide for them without considering natural talents, capabilities or emotional issues of their offspring. So it was with my mother and my educators. Nuns from my convent school had been mocking me seeing I was constantly writing something in my diary (if they hadn't I wouldn't be writing about them right now). My mother was 'annoyed' when I was drawing hundreds of sketches of clothes or shoes... I can list dozens of situations in which God's gifts I was born with were stampeded by stupid people. 

So... I choose the career that had been always keeping me in the middle of anxiety and havoc to experience what I was experiencing back then, despairingly - though subconsciously - trying to find the truth. 

The thing is that the talents I have are the best and only way to stay sane although following this path seems to be a dangerous and very hard task. Working 'with people' scares me, for I was born different, withdrawn, and, in some aspects, weaker... 

But I was always strong enough to escape. At some point, escapism became my second nature until I realized that, every time, I land in the same place. And the situation in which you see the loop you're trapped in may have fatal results. It won't happen if you find salvation, and there is no better one than... your own talents and capabilities you need to discover by yourself since your parents didn't do so.

Imprinted Convictions

In "Guide For (Ultimate) Losers," I confessed that I regret many things... But, up to this point, I wasn't aware of two facts: why I did things I now regret and what will happen once I acquire this knowledge. 

The reasons for doing certain things have been explained in a couple of previous posts regarding anxiety problems. Yes, I was choosing these and those directions simply because I was scared. The fear was the main factor (maybe the only one) of my actions. This is awful, and the situation must be changed; I need to rearrange my life, make proper amendments. 

Doing things due to fear makes life runs in the wrong direction. After many years, I found myself in the wrong place, which is a tragedy and the cause I am even more scared but, above all, angry. 

For example, I regret that I stopped writing novels when I was a teenager. Back then, I also declined handicraft and designing clothes. Of course, it happened because of my mother, who wasn't pleased that I was happy while doing these things. I was afraid I will lose her acceptance and love. Therefore, I regret going to high school - instead of going to some courses where I could develop my talents - and later on, to the university, though I graduated with the highest score there was. I regret every action of which goal was gaining somebody's love or admiration. 

What is interesting, I do not regret joining the army. Really! Despite all those bad experiences I had. I do not regret moving to Warsaw, either. But the one small thing that differs these two decisions from others is that I made them by myself, against my mother's will. 

So what is happening when I am aware of my fears and decision making process? I simply cannot make any other decisions based on anxiety. But the problem is I am not able to use anything else to motivate myself... Hence I stuck a little bit. 

I chose my professional path because I was afraid of being sick and homeless, but this path, as it turned out, is far from my interests, talents, and mental state. I had to become someone else as if another way of living was something wrong. However, even when I decided to change it, I couldn't make my life right. Why? Because, I presume, the fear of being sick and homeless wasn't the essential issue. Once more, it was an imprinted conviction that doing things I like make me worse and unlovable


Side note - People are afraid of regretting everything. As if admitting that something wasn't right would make us worse. But I think that it is an essential ability to establish what is right and wrong for us, for, when we know it, we avoid making bad choices in the future. Once we are older, we have this advantage over younger people since we have more 'comparative material' in the reach. 

Tuesday 8 January 2019

Is It Now or Before?

I've been silent lately. 

First, Christmas and New Year are the hardest moments in the year for me. Earlier, I didn't know why but now it is obvious that it is about anxiety. Since September, I feel my guts are twisted with the fear of something that is coming... The only couple of years ago, I realized that I am subconsciously afraid of the necessity of spending time with my mother and, what was worse, with her family. It turned out that even when I don't meet her or anyone else who is unpleasant for me, I feel like crap because I still remember. My body and mind remember all those holidays...

Second, free time without work and the people around me gave me an opportunity to experience all these feelings more intensely. And I admit that I let myself for this 'luxury' willingly. And it was as much exhausting as... nice. I did not escape. I did not rationalize my state either. I accepted myself just as I am. It didn't cure me, whatsoever. But this exercise unraveled a lot, e.g. that anxiety was always the most important factor in my life: it influences both all the decisions I make and decisions I do not make. This discovery was shocking yet somehow liberating.

I am more and more convinced that anxiety problems are the main factor causing my suicidal thoughts and creating my 'suicidal brain'. This is, however, the conclusion that concerns only my case, for I cannot speak in other people's stead. It doesn't scare me that I have this kind of problems. The thing that terrifies me the most is the fact that I was living in the darkness of being unaware and that there was no one around me who could help me to find the truth. The Truth is most important - even the awful one. 

Only when we know that we are afraid of something we may estimate if this fear is justified or is it the reaction of the body for the previous events that were so dreadful that we pushed them away, deep into our subconsciousness. This is the complicated case - to distinguish things of 'before' from 'now'. I will explain it by describing my own situation. 

I was very much afraid of buying a flat and, back then, I was sure that it is because of the mortgage I had to take along with the uncertain financial situation. But I was wrong. It was about loneliness. I was waking every night terrified; sitting on my bed and listened to the sounds coming from the corridor outside my door. 

'I am alone! I am alone!' - I heard my own voice in my head and the pounding heart in my chest. 

You know what? My loneliness now is NOT scary at all. It was back then when I was a little girl and when I had been waking up in the middle of the night and listened to the sounds coming from behind the door... because my mother wasn't there, she was leaving me whenever she wanted to and didn't care if I am scared or if I need her. 
So now, try to understand whole this situation. In order to avoid the awful feeling of being lonely, I would escape into some relationship with anyone... and, after a short time, I would find myself in exactly the same place I was before. Why? Because that person wouldn't provide me the things my mother didn't give me and I would demand it anyway. Another f***ing impasse (fortunately, avoided). 

A Good Life

As I wrote once, life becomes a big project of coping with daily-basis problems if you have mental health issues. It's not easy, for it ...