In "Guide For (Ultimate) Losers", I wrote about 'people who have never existed', describing the relationships only recreating suppressed feelings toward our parents. If you watched the movie about Tonya Harding - mentioned in the last post - you learned that, after some time, she also realized that her love for her husband was, in fact, the same circumstance she had been in with her mother as a child.
Lately, I had a chance to see how much I was right with my conclusions. People I (don't) love impact my life even more than I thought. People who are only the holograms helping me experience past emotions.
So who are they?
First, they don't love me. Their first reaction to my presence is hate, anger, and fear. But they hide these feelings and the first behavior is admiration. They praise me for something I do or say...
Second, at some point, they start to sabotage me and my work. Initially, I am not aware of that fact, for they misled me by their compliments. They don't do what they are supposed to do, just like my mother who wasn't fulfilling her parental duties. This passive-aggressive behavior is the ultimate way of expressing hate and anger, even worse than open attacks.
Third, they expect me to do things they neglected. I am the one who must take their responsibilities on my shoulders. I was responsible for my mother's mood; for improving her relations with her parents; for knowing things little kids don't know because they are too little; for having capacities little kids don't acquire until the parents won't teach them. Now, 'these people' expect me to be an expert in areas that are beyond my knowledge and ability.
And fourth, they manipulate me by guilt. It is very easy to convince little child that he or she is guilty of various things even though it is against any logic. Then, this conviction is implemented in our brains and makes us vulnerable and susceptible to unspoken persuasions. We quickly play a role of... the malefactor.
This is how I discovered the biggest misunderstanding in my life.
I caught myself on brooding on what is wrong with me that I constantly came across 'these people'. I was thinking: "There must be something in me, some failure they can see and feel and this is why they behave so badly". Well, there is none. Every time, I am lured into their game, as an actor, the hologram... It seemed that I need them too to play in my own show, but I don't. I don't need any hologram since I can write about everything that happened to me.