The Biggest Surprise Ever

Couple of weeks ago, I wrote:

'You don't know if the upcoming events will ruin the fragile fundament your emotional stability depends on...'

Today, I know something very important that may change my daily basis in the future. 

In the next posts, I described my ordeal with anxiety, fear and suicidal thoughts. And, suddenly, it struck me that this is the answer to the unasked question:

What for real is this 'fragile fundament' my emotional stability depends on?

In case of people who were raised by normal loving parents or carers, this fundament is their own self. In my case, it had been always my mother with her moods and unpredictable behavior (wrongly named 'love'). I've learned that I have no right to feel good until she wouldn't let me. I couldn't be convinced that I have right to live until I didn't receive her approval. Later on, other people showed up who were very similar to her, preying on this weakness... I was trained not to live but to be depended on somebody else's opinion and decision. I had been trying this trick also with God - the Giver of freedom; as expected, He didn't played this game.

So, how does it look in real life? In life where there is no longer my mother nor other bad people? You may assume, it is much better... But it's not, because the nerve system still works its own way.

It is exactly how I described it in the post: 'Suicidal Daily Basis'. This is the living in uncertainty. Waiting for something bad and scary - just as I had been waiting many years ago. 

But when I focus myself on the cause of my state, this anxiety fades. And this was the biggest surprise I've experienced since I remember. It actually works! 

I imagine myself my internal world as if it was standing on very unstable base, and the base simply is my mother's mood and opinion. I remove it, e.g. by smashing with the hammer, and put myself on the stabile ground: my-own-self. I am no longer shaking. I am standing. And now I can walk.

14 Reasons

The reasons I find myself not worthy of living:

1. I am not fully healthy

2. I cannot cope when working with psychopaths 

3. I spend money - for food, clothes, shoes, bus tickets, books, furniture (yes, basically everything)

4. I am not young

5. I am not pretty 

6. I am not skinny

7. I have no husband nor kids

8. My publisher is a thief 

9. My books don't sell well

10. I didn't provide any positive input for the society (I am not a good person)

11. God did not listen to my prayers (when I asked for one specific thing)

12. I don't speak to my family

13. I breathe

14. I am terrified 

Now, look at the list above and add one sentence: "and this is my fault". 

For I am blaming myself for everything - real or imagined. 

But there is something deeper, the fundament - conviction that until these reasons are live I am not worthy of being loved. 

And look at the point 14. - I am blaming myself for anxiety, my fears, psychosis that have been tormenting me for years. And this has no sense (if I think about it with clear mind), whatsoever. Yet the fear is the second 'leg' my mental problems are standing on, apart of guilt. 

The most important aspect of this situation is that I am programmed to find the new reasons as if some kind of tape with strange voice was broadcasted every time I feel better. Some evil power tries to pull me down and, in certain occasions, it is stronger and more vicious. 

But there is the truth hidden from my sight for years: the list shouldn't exist. This way of thinking is a denial of God's Law; this faul mindset that we need to 'deserve' for love, for life... And the fear I am experiencing is about I will never be good enough and I will never feel what does it mean to be loved. And if so... then the life has no sense.