Enough is Enough

Despite I am currently going through a huge crisis in my relation to God, I strongly believe that He not so rarely 'helps' me with very hard decisions by creating certain circumstances. Everything seems to go fine and suddenly I meet a big obstacle on my path which I am not able to beat. After weeks or months of fighting and trying to figure out how to jump over the obstacle, I need to stop and think whether I really want to go further, or maybe there is something else I want to do, that was hidden deep in my mind and heart up to this moment. And here starts the most interesting: when I make the decision, the right one of course (God's Will), I can notice the other path in my Maze, the next level, another story to experience and to write about. 

DIY

Speaking of being in euphoric state...

Nowadays, there is no better way to find the reason to be euphoric for a short moment than social media. I didn't understand that until I started promoting myself as a writer... and this still is uneasy to get. Honestly, this is hard case if you really need to bump the statistics and see some measurable results. The euphoria quickly changes into frustration and disaffection, especially when you were taught that you are a living error and especially when you promote the work your shitty publisher doesn't pay you for.

Nevertheless, I do my best, e.g. I design and constantly improve my website:

https://www.rozalewanowicz.com/ 

The Maze

I had a teacher in the high school, an older lady remembering harsh times of war. She wasn't good for us. She wasn't a good person whatsoever, being constantly focused on her own pain and memories, ignoring the world outside. I know that this opinion may not be welcomed warmly among nuns running the school nor by my classmates. We had been obliged to think (not only talk) about her only in positive way although she had been causing a lot of distress of ours and simply made her lessons unbearable. Bitter woman, complaining all the time and humiliating us at every step we made. She ones  told us - and this was a very rare moment when she was smiling - that, as a sixteen-year-old girl, she dreamed about becoming "a great saint" of Catholic Church and that this dream was very, very strong... 

"Well, I thought, so why didn't you become one, you old crone?! You maybe wouldn't be so bitter and full of wrath."

I now know the reason - she walked into the wall. A high wall which seemed to be an impassable obstacle.

I'm sure you heard countless stories of people who recollect that they dreamed about becoming someone else they are right now but they didn't achieve that for many reasons. However, I think, the problem is we don't understand that the life is not a straight line or a path. It is a Maze in which we must learn how to navigate. When meeting the wall, we sometimes need to get back or chose another direction - right or left. And we should memorise the way: I've already been in this corner, coming back there is pointless etc. 

Yet, what do most of us do? We stay. We dwell at this spot of despair and we settle down there instead of moving on. Or, which is even more stupid, we try to demolish the wall by force.

e-Book

Guide For Ultimate Losers 

available on Amazon