The Abyss

Today, I read on Twitter about the suicidal death of a woman, young, beautiful, smart and kind person, who was a TV star broadcasting the weather. As someone commented, 'no one knows what for real is in other person's head'. 

Well, I may tell you - it's an Abyss. 

A couple of times, I had these strange dreams about traveling into the darkness where there was simply big Nothing. The Abyss. And this is how most of my days look like: traveling into the darkness.

Why?

I can tell you that too. 

Me, as a baby and toddler, waiting for my mother coming back from her various 'entertainments' - those were the moments when I was traveling into the deepest darkness in the Universe, for I was dying thinking that she would never come back.

Me, as a ten-year-old and as a teenager, waiting for my mother coming home after work - those were the journeys into the evil darkness, for I was sure that, once she comes, she will torment me again and again.

This is waiting for something bad. 

And, as in my case, it always comes. Being abandoned by my mother (and also by an absent father) was as much dreadful as her being around. An impossible situation, without salvation. And it lasts. It has never ended. This is how my brain works. And my body. 

After work, I am coming back home and I am terrified though there is no one here who could hurt me. I sit in my flat and I am trembling when hearing any noise behind my double door.  And sometimes, bad things happen - and these are the moments I cannot deal with. 

You have no idea what kind of 'stupid' issues may trigger someone to commit the suicide. Except they are not banal, not for us, for they are the wide road to the darkness.

Psychiatrists are Idiots

The main problem of the contemporary psychiatry is that the vast majority of patients are badly diagnosed. Why? Because, in fact, the doctors and psychologists don't listen to them. At all! And this is not like in the TV series, House M.D., where the patients were being blamed for not being honest with their doctors in every single episode (the episode 1 of the first season was titled "Everybody lies"). The doctors I came across didn't want me to be honest, for they had their own agenda in treating me. The psychiatrists (and other kinds of doctors) were not interested in my truth, in my story I wanted to tell them. As I wrote in "The Notes from the Abyss", I don't like shrinks because, instead of healing, they try to cope with their own problems by using other people, dependent on them (and they are not aware of that whatsoever). 

The most common situation - in which I also was - is when a psychiatrist tries to make peace between the patient and his or her parents. My psychiatrist, the dumbest person I met, herself had some issues with dad and, by convincing me that I am doing wrong not to talking to my mother, she was dealing with her own demons. She didn't want to hear about my mother's deeds (even if she was able to admit that she 'might' have been a bad parent). If she would have listened to me, she would know that the meds she prescribed me were useless because I am not bipolar but I have very serious anxiety problems caused by a sadistic person who was raising me. I was so scared that I wasn't able to admit that I am... scared as if it was something shameful. Back then, I needed someone who could understand my situation and helped me to recall what really happened. Instead, it took me over five long years to get to this very conclusion by myself. 

The Biggest Surprise Ever

Couple of weeks ago, I wrote:

'You don't know if the upcoming events will ruin the fragile fundament your emotional stability depends on...'

Today, I know something very important that may change my daily basis in the future. 

In the next posts, I described my ordeal with anxiety, fear and suicidal thoughts. And, suddenly, it struck me that this is the answer to the unasked question:

What for real is this 'fragile fundament' my emotional stability depends on?

In case of people who were raised by normal loving parents or carers, this fundament is their own self. In my case, it had been always my mother with her moods and unpredictable behavior (wrongly named 'love'). I've learned that I have no right to feel good until she wouldn't let me. I couldn't be convinced that I have right to live until I didn't receive her approval. Later on, other people showed up who were very similar to her, preying on this weakness... I was trained not to live but to be depended on somebody else's opinion and decision. I had been trying this trick also with God - the Giver of freedom; as expected, He didn't played this game.

So, how does it look in real life? In life where there is no longer my mother nor other bad people? You may assume, it is much better... But it's not, because the nerve system still works its own way.

It is exactly how I described it in the post: 'Suicidal Daily Basis'. This is the living in uncertainty. Waiting for something bad and scary - just as I had been waiting many years ago. 

But when I focus myself on the cause of my state, this anxiety fades. And this was the biggest surprise I've experienced since I remember. It actually works! 

I imagine myself my internal world as if it was standing on very unstable base, and the base simply is my mother's mood and opinion. I remove it, e.g. by smashing with the hammer, and put myself on the stabile ground: my-own-self. I am no longer shaking. I am standing. And now I can walk.

The Only Companion I Have

In the book "The Notes from the Abyss", I wrote that I distinguished at least five main factors that may lead to suicide thoughts... 

Well, I thought I was very honest by doing so, and that I am opening up about my real experiences and feelings. But the list is not completed. There is one particular thing making my life unbearable and turning my daily basis into nightmare. 

It is fear.

Not an anxiety, described in specialistic literature (e.g. by Joseph LeDoux), but rather the terror...

What I am afraid of?

My own mother. 

Since I remember (since I was two or three-year-old), I was scared to death in her presence. 

Now, imagine this situation - you live with the person you love the most; you are depended on her in every aspect of your life; you are alone and nobody knows what you're going through... And that person is your tormentor, some kind of lunatic that hurts you every time you look at her, and sometimes she's nice and seems to have quite clear mind.

First of all, I was afraid that she's gonna kill me. Literally. Unbelievable? Unheard of? She wouldn't be the first parent who kills the child after all, would she?

Second, I was physically maltreated. Tapped, pinched, brutally treated (e.g. when dressed). And couple of times severely beaten. I was constantly experiencing some kind of pain. All day long... 

Third, and probably the worst for my nerve system, I was humiliated, ashamed, offended, or just left alone, e.g. when she had decided not to talk to me for three days out of no reason. I don't remember any good day in my life with her. 

To sum up - I am trained only to be scared. The fear accompanies me in every second, every minute... and it never leaves me. But I want to leave the fear. I don't want to feel it anymore. But nothing helped. NOTHING! The death seemed to be the one and only solution.

To be honest, I was trying to find the remedy in wrong places and with wrong people. And this is not odd if we consider that I didn't really named the problem. Even when my friend, the lawyer, has been telling me that I am nothing to be afraid of, that the law protects me - I didn't feel a relieve. I think that I am only at the very beginning of my road to something better...

14 Reasons

The reasons I find myself not worthy of living:

1. I am not fully healthy

2. I cannot cope when working with psychopaths 

3. I spend money - for food, clothes, shoes, bus tickets, books, furniture (yes, basically everything)

4. I am not young

5. I am not pretty 

6. I am not skinny

7. I have no husband nor kids

8. My publisher is a thief 

9. My books don't sell well

10. I didn't provide any positive input for the society (I am not a good person)

11. God did not listen to my prayers (when I asked for one specific thing)

12. I don't speak to my family

13. I breathe

14. I am terrified 

Now, look at the list above and add one sentence: "and this is my fault". 

For I am blaming myself for everything - real or imagined. 

But there is something deeper, the fundament - conviction that until these reasons are live I am not worthy of being loved. 

And look at the point 14. - I am blaming myself for anxiety, my fears, psychosis that have been tormenting me for years. And this has no sense (if I think about it with clear mind), whatsoever. Yet the fear is the second 'leg' my mental problems are standing on, apart of guilt. 

The most important aspect of this situation is that I am programmed to find the new reasons as if some kind of tape with strange voice was broadcasted every time I feel better. Some evil power tries to pull me down and, in certain occasions, it is stronger and more vicious. 

But there is the truth hidden from my sight for years: the list shouldn't exist. This way of thinking is a denial of God's Law; this faul mindset that we need to 'deserve' for love, for life... And the fear I am experiencing is about I will never be good enough and I will never feel what does it mean to be loved. And if so... then the life has no sense.