Portal Into The Right Side Of Reality

Have you watched the TV series "Stranger Things" with Winnona Ryder? (if not, spoiler alert!) 

Although I think the title is much overrated, at least in Polish internet, I found the idea of "upside-down world" very interesting, because I had the feeling I know what it could be to get there. Actually, in my case, it would be reversed challenge: how to get out of this place (state of mind). 

After writing previous post, I suddenly saw my past as the reality of total upside-down world and the post as an act of right-side world, meaning something I couldn't achieve in that dark place. So I reviewed everything from better perspective and I had to ask this question: what is the fundament of the wrong place I come from? The answer is in one word: Guilt. 

My everyday efforts are currently focused on doing things as they should be done. I desperately want to live in healthy environment, according to God's wish... But I cannot make this dreams come true as long as I don't know what was wrong then. And, quite so, it was reversing of everything. 

I had been witnessing debauchery, but I, as a little girl, was blamed for having "dirty" thoughts. I heard only untruth coming out of my mother's mouths, but I was named "lier". She hated church, but it was me who had been called "unbeliever" (I was four at that moment). Now I know I was used as a scapegoat for her (and not only her) sins and complexes. 

This is how I was taught how to build relationships: either I am guilty, or someone else is. If I didn't want to feel guilty, I had to be strong, merciless or... very righteous, so that I could become a judge of everyone (like my mother or internet trolls). I was fixated on justice, I was constantly fighting for fair rights, wherever I went. And I wasn't aware I am on war with her... That I desperately demand justice for me, the little girl, who can't carry this burden anymore.

Next Station: The Coven

They are multi-talented women. They have charm, sense of humor, bright minds, popularity... They are shining diamonds among the female part of population. But, if they were not loved as little girls, as adult persons they become true Witches. All the gifts they came to the world with are directed to one purpose: controlling other people. They literally use black magic, their own spells, in order to manipulate, destroy, play with feelings of other people... to make themselves happy, at last.

The Witches however die unhappy, for they realise, at the final days, that they did not succeed, that something went wrong, but not always they know what it was. 

Unfortunately I witnessed the death of my grandmother - one of the most talented Witches I met. After her demise I had been so depressed that I even had memory loss episodes. I knew... I was just aware, deeply in my soul, how much she suffered. This was my agony too, also because she didn't give me the true love the real grannies give to their grandchildren. All in vain, whole life, filled with fight, turned out to be journey into wrong place... 

My mother. Yes, she is Witch as well. And she taught me all the spells she inherited from her mother. Beautiful, talented, smart and... so evil, only because she wanted to deny her misery against herself.

Princes' and Princesses' mothers. Mistresses of controlling, steering other people's lifes, especially their own offspring. They brain-wash the sons' and daughters' minds since the craddle. They push the children to make the choices that would fill  the empty hole in their souls. But they don't know that they are the slaves, for they cannot control their own lives, so they produce another generation of unhappy slaves.

Am I the Witch? 

I know how to be one. And I can be really good bad person, if not controlling myself. 

Doubts

I sometimes behave like my friend with schizophrenia who had "predicted" his mental illness before it really occurred. I write or tell about something and I had no idea I am clarifying another issue I've been struggling with for quite a time. 

I mentioned being occupied by compulsions, but I did not get the point that it explains the biggest crisis which has been tormented me for the last two and a half years. For over a decade, I had been in good terms with my compulsions, because they gave me strength and motivation many times, which was absolutely providential for someone who literally lives in the autistic box and is cut off from "normal" social life. But these "good terms" seem to be terminated. To be more specific: I realized that I wanted to control the wrong things. Wrong for me. 

But! They still come back to me. That's why I feel as if I constantly was torn apart by... doubts. Is it good that I give up these compulsions? This is strength and motivation after all, right?

Yet the problem has its roots even deeper - in my upbringing. This is also some kind of matrix I was building my thinking on. This was the dark propaganda of a person who was obsessed with controlling me and my mind. 

"Our life is different. Our situation is exceptional. I must act like that. We have no choice. The happiness of ordinary people is not for us... not for you. You cannot escape. You must accept this fate." 

So, it is not weird I have doubts when I try to live the life of an ordinary person when I decline to be a slave of any compulsion and I want to terminate any insane obligation that was put on my conscience. 

So Nice...

It's sooner than later to my new novel being published.
So nice feeling...

Cosmic Expectation

Expectations are the Loop. The less you were loved in childhood the bigger your expectations are during the rest of your life. And this is absolutely natural, I cannot rid of the emotions, they are part of me. The problem is when I am not aware I have them and that they ruin my present day and my future. The disabled man from Bethesda pond was in the loop of vain expectations, pointless waiting... Every time he saw the moving of water's surface his hopes for meeting the right person, who will understand his situation, revived. I think he didn't get what was going on with him either, otherwise he wouldn't wait. Exactly the same thing happened to me - I didn't know what I wanted, what was my lack. When I learned this I tried to deprive myself these expectations of. Why? Because they hurt. I suffer so much every time someone whom I love disappoints me. And I love much too often than I'd like to. I love too much in general. 

I had no choice but get used to my enormously big expectations, I cannot cut them off. They exist because of my past, they made me me. But I must handle them in different way than before. Sometimes, I use them as a fuel in order to thrive my "projects", eg. writing a novel, for this is huge, cosmic power: craving for being loved. And it's better if it is constructive rather than destructive, isn't it?

And there was no man...

Who of us was prepared for being a loser? Or for feeling like one. Or for life filled up with defeats. In my humble opinion it is a supreme ability: coping as a living failure, because our flaws, wounds, weaknesses, disabilities are the factors that make us. We are not flat as a painting on the canvas but we have many shapes, irregular lines, diagonal surfaces... rather as a sculptures.  And, as I said, we are not invincible. 

We have, of course, natural capability of looking for help in our misery. And, usually, we can find it, if there is at least a shade of good will in us. We search for answers and wisdom in other people, but no one prepared us for situation in which we simply cannot find a man. And, believe me, there are cases when nobody understands what is going on. There are people whose suffering shove them out of the any social circles. They have too many "dark places" in their souls. I discovered that looking for understanding is complete waste of time. 

It's like with the disabled guy from the Gospel who stuck near Bethesda miraculous pond for thirty eight years, who was waiting till someone help him get into the water. There was no point in waiting - he was alone among many people, but he didn't notice that his problems are beyond people's understanding. Those years were lost. His "sin" was being deluded by himself. He wasn't prepared for being a loser, a lonely loser in others' eyes. 

Yes, we are not prepared for being alone. We're losing years and decades in pursuits of "true love", acceptance, understanding, companionship instead of chasing for something that is doable, under hand, in us... 

Questions & Answer Day

Have you heard Beyonce's hit "Why don't you love me"? Well, I must admit I find this song as one of the best in the singer's repertoire. I admire Beyonce and her work, however I always look forward a good text rather than music (and this is why I like some films that didn't gain critics' and audience's applause). 

The song stroke me from the first hearing. Because the song is about women like me. If you read my previous posts you know most of my miserable life was filled with attempts of finding someone who will love me. Well, to be more precise, I wanted to know what I am supposed to do to make some people love and accept me. Exactly like the woman from the video "Why don't you love me?" And this isn't only about boys and men, but everyone, beginning from my lousy parents.

There is, though, difference between me and the woman from video: I asked myself a little bit different question. The day, when I became Miss Perfect, appear eventually. It looked like I have everything to fit... And, of course, there still were people who didn't love me, who weren't pleased. But not them are the problem. Oh! Contrary! I started to have big issues with those who "bought" the new me. So I asked: "Why didn't you love me then?" 

The answer is obvious: they don't love me at all, and never did, and never will. 

Today, I'm asking myself: do I really need their love? 

The Perks of Watching Funny Films

It is, undoubtedly, one of my favorite movies: "Death at a Funeral" from 2007, with Peter Dinklage. And it's not because I found the reason to laugh in every minute of this film, especially when the naked guy with ginger hair, stoned as herd of pigs, goes to the roof. The main reason I loved the title is because of one sentence, said by Martha, the fiance of the drugged fellow from the top of a mansion. And, what is quite odd, this is not funny scene, at all. There is a dialogue between her and a man who is convinced that they are meant to be together. But she, very clearly, explains that the only thing he cares about is the way she affects him, and this is something completely different than "taking care of someone". 

Wow!!! That was really... new for me.

I wasn't loved by my mother, but there were some ways I could gain her attention, make her pleased or satisfied. Hence, I'd learned that I must affect people somehow, for being myself doesn't make them interested with me. I became an actress, a very good one. And this was my nature, not exactly secondary. I affected on people in many ways: by being a "court jester", helpless girl or in contrary - strong and independent woman. Whatever whoever needs. I was totally compelled to guess who I am supposed to be, especially for, so called, "important" persons at the current time. 

And, suddenly, I heard the sentence from one of the most funniest comedies I've seen. I stopped laughing...

I knew many men and women who were saying they love me (my mother's family is really big). I had bosses who thought they care of me. Not to mention, I've met my "Princes" who seemed to be "smitten" in my presence. Right...

All of them were only interested in how THEY feel with me and because of me. My mother not once were telling me: "Don't cry! When you cry, MY heart is bleeding". So, I stopped crying... in her presence, and she could claiming her child has no problems. 

I don't demand of people to take care of me, the actual me. I started demand it from myself.