The Core

The worst nightmare you had? Do you remember?
Mine was terrifying.
I was sitting in a room and I realized there was someone else sitting in front of me. I looked up there and I saw... myself. It was me, but not me I knew. It was the person I had been scared of for most part of my life. The core of me. First, I froze. Then, I wanted to say something to me, to calm down the person I see. But she attacked me fiercely.

It took me at least five years to understand the meaning of the dream. I had to go down deeply into myself. How did I do it? I suffered. I was tormented. I was left alone by everyone. I had depression. I was hungry. And every time I experienced any kind of distress, I had been turning to God, reproaching, grieving, crying... But He wasn't keen to talk back. In fact, He was very quiet until His voice silenced for good.

I understood.
The person I need to talk to is the woman from my nightmare because the stage of becoming independent human being wasn't closed. Me as me was rejected by my mother. I had to develop some other personality, to wear masks, to be someone else in order to earn somebody's love... But love means acceptance for who I really am.

Now, I cannot expect this very acceptance from others. The only person who can do that is me.