Cosmic Expectation

Expectations are the Loop. The less you were loved in childhood the bigger your expectations are during the rest of your life. And this is absolutely natural, I cannot rid of the emotions, they are part of me. The problem is when I am not aware I have them and that they ruin my present day and my future. The disabled man from Bethesda pond was in the loop of vain expectations, pointless waiting... Every time he saw the moving of water's surface his hopes for meeting the right person, who will understand his situation, revived. I think he didn't get what was going on with him either, otherwise he wouldn't wait. Exactly the same thing happened to me - I didn't know what I wanted, what was my lack. When I learned this I tried to deprive myself these expectations of. Why? Because they hurt. I suffer so much every time someone whom I love disappoints me. And I love much too often than I'd like to. I love too much in general. 

I had no choice but get used to my enormously big expectations, I cannot cut them off. They exist because of my past, they made me me. But I must handle them in different way than before. Sometimes, I use them as a fuel in order to thrive my "projects", eg. writing a novel, for this is huge, cosmic power: craving for being loved. And it's better if it is constructive rather than destructive, isn't it?

And there was no man...

Who of us was prepared for being a loser? Or for feeling like one. Or for life filled up with defeats. In my humble opinion it is a supreme ability: coping as a living failure, because our flaws, wounds, weaknesses, disabilities are the factors that make us. We are not flat as a painting on the canvas but we have many shapes, irregular lines, diagonal surfaces... rather as a sculptures.  And, as I said, we are not invincible. 

We have, of course, natural capability of looking for help in our misery. And, usually, we can find it, if there is at least a shade of good will in us. We search for answers and wisdom in other people, but no one prepared us for situation in which we simply cannot find a man. And, believe me, there are cases when nobody understands what is going on. There are people whose suffering shove them out of the any social circles. They have too many "dark places" in their souls. I discovered that looking for understanding is complete waste of time. 

It's like with the disabled guy from the Gospel who stuck near Bethesda miraculous pond for thirty eight years, who was waiting till someone help him get into the water. There was no point in waiting - he was alone among many people, but he didn't notice that his problems are beyond people's understanding. Those years were lost. His "sin" was being deluded by himself. He wasn't prepared for being a loser, a lonely loser in others' eyes. 

Yes, we are not prepared for being alone. We're losing years and decades in pursuits of "true love", acceptance, understanding, companionship instead of chasing for something that is doable, under hand, in us...