Primary

I've reached some critical point. With my emotions, of course. But I had once an epiphany in which I saw that I need to "let my feelings free". 

"Mhm..." - I thougth at first. - "And what? Should I scream or cry, or do something else that is unacceptable in so called society?"

But then, I realised that this is a good direction. And, when the right moment came, I had been screaming, crying and I made a tantrum no one saw before, at least not in the company I work in. As a result, I got what I wanted to get.

Naturally, such behaviour shouldn't be something normal, for nobody would like to work with me. But it was too much to handle. I found myself in the situation that was this one drop which poured a cup of bitterness. 

This experience forced me to think about emotions in a little bit different light. I got this conclusion that the anger my colleagues could witness was a "primary emotion", and I didn't let myself for the convenience of expressing it before because it had been "overwritten" by other emotions, imprinted in upbringing process - guilt, shame, anxiety. 

But why should I be ashamed by my emotions? Even if someone says that they are not adequate to the situation. Well, who has the real insight into my internal situation and who knows what the external circumstances are? No one! Only me. I had a very good reason to be angry or despaired and I expressed it though I didn't count on anybody's response. Yet, there was a good reaction, and I shouldn't forget that.

And this is the issue I am pondering of lately. I seek for "primary emotions", I dig them out of my mind and I untangle anxious thoughts.