Debugging

When I was in the army, I once visited my friend I had been living with in a dorm when we were students. I liked her very much because she was a very nice and gentle girl. It was Christmas break and I could meet her siblings and her mother. This visit helped me understand why this beautiful and smart girl is so insecure and where her countless complexes come from. Her mom was very friendly... towards me but not towards her own daughter. And the daughter had been doing anything she could to please the moody and criticising mother - even neglecting her guest. 

I then saw pure and the most hideous manifestation of jealousy I have ever witnessed in my life (beside my own jealous mother). This woman hated my friend and it was so obvious I was surprised the daughter wasn't aware of that. The woman wasn't a mother, whatsoever! She was a bullie, demotivating her wonderful girl at every step she had been trying to make, insinuating that she is ugly, stupid and lazy. 

I'm recalling this situation, for I realised lately that, for ninety percent of my time, I am not happy just because I am afraid that someone is going to destroy my happiness just for envy. OK, Someone in particular - God. That's right! I was meditating and I found this "glitch" in my "code". If I had to depict this thinking schema, it would show crooked black arms reaching out to me from the dark hole and pulling me down into it. I know it's awkward to think like this about God... but this is how our Faith is weakened by being brought up by... jealous mother who is pulling her child down into the dark hole of despair every time the child wants to be happy. There is huge possibility we would shift our fears onto imagination of God. Thus, I am insecure and I am afraid of any indication of happiness which inevitably would cause the wrath of some "god" who will punish me right away. 

I'm sure you know people around you who constantly are unhappy. Sometimes, it is the matter of character, but, quite often, the person is scared of being content because this means loss of parent's "love". Except, we don't need their love, not anymore. But, for sure, we need friends.

After many years, I refreshed my relationship with this girl. Unfortunately, I couldn't keep it, when I realised that I will never "win" with her mother, still present in her life. I could handle that she had been discussing in details our every conversation with mother - though it wasn't easy for me - but constant changing plans we had been making together when mom had been showing me that personal life and friends of her daughter are not important... that was way too much to handle.