Thursday 8 November 2018

14 Reasons

The reasons I find myself not worthy of living:

1. I am not fully healthy
2. I cannot cope when working with psychopaths 
3. I spend money - for food, clothes, shoes, bus tickets, books, furniture (yes, basically everything)
4. I am not young
5. I am not pretty 
6. I am not skinny
7. I have no husband nor kids
8. My publisher is a thief 
9. My books don't sell well
10. I didn't provide any positive input for the society (I am not a good person)
11. God did not listen to my prayers (when I asked for one specific thing)
12. I don't speak to my family
13. I breathe
14. I am terrified 

Now, look at the list above and add one sentence: "and this is my fault". 
For I am blaming myself for everything - real or imagined. 

But there is something deeper, the fundament - conviction that until these reasons are live I am not worthy of being loved. 

And look at the point 14. - I am blaming myself for anxiety, my fears, psychosis that have been tormenting me for years. And this has no sense (if I think about it with clear mind), whatsoever. Yet the fear is the second 'leg' my mental problems are standing on, apart of guilt. 

The most important aspect of this situation is that I am programmed to find the new reasons as if some kind of tape with strange voice was broadcasted every time I feel better. Some evil power tries to pull me down and, in certain occasions, it is stronger and more vicious. 

But there is the truth hidden from my sight for years: the list shouldn't exist. This way of thinking is a denial of God's Law; this faul mindset that we need to 'deserve' for love, for life... And the fear I am experiencing is about I will never be good enough and I will never feel what does it mean to be loved. And if so... then the life has no sense.

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