Saturday 24 November 2018

50 Shades of Pain

I still don't know how to merge the two worlds I live in... But at least I know better now why do they exist.

If I look closer at my emotions, I can see very clearly what kind of situation I was in as a child and that I had been desperately trying to recreate it as an older me. While experiencing the rejection from the mother (later on from the father and other important people), you may feel as if you are not invited to the world you want to find yourself the most. Mother's role (or someone who is replacing her) is crucial when we are very little babies. We need her as if she was some kind of a mirror in which we can see us and gain the certainty that we are real and that our emotions are true. If she doesn't ensure this... we have the impression we live in two separate worlds.

After many years, it turned out that I was always right by trying to recreate that situation when I attempted to gain somebody's attention and to acquire the permission to become the part of this person's life. Well... of course, I was right until I was using my brain and getting the point that repeating this actions one by one (with different people) is complete nonsense. I needed to stop and think what I am really doing. What am I recreating? 

The thing is I cannot simply stop doing it. I cannot say that I don't need this love and the sense I am important to someone who is important to me. But the biggest issue is that people important to me don't want me... So - impasse?

No! Everything is fine, since I am aware. Awareness, again, saves me, even if I tend to think that I am lost... The knowledge gives me the opportunity to direct my actions and thoughts where they should be. Pain doesn't disappear nor fade, whatsoever. Still, it has a little bit different shade than before.

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