DIY

Speaking of being in euphoric state...

Nowadays, there is no better way to find the reason to be euphoric for a short moment than social media. I didn't understand that until I started promoting myself as a writer... and this still is uneasy to get. Honestly, this is hard case if you really need to bump the statistics and see some measurable results. The euphoria quickly changes into frustration and disaffection, especially when you were taught that you are a living error and especially when you promote the work your shitty publisher doesn't pay you for.

Nevertheless, I do my best, e.g. I design and constantly improve my website:

https://www.rozalewanowicz.com/ 

Work in Progress

No Maze wall will stop me to do this:

Hats, hats, hats, hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats, 

The Maze

I had a teacher in the high school, an older lady remembering harsh times of war. She wasn't good for us. She wasn't a good person whatsoever, being constantly focused on her own pain and memories, ignoring the world outside. I know that this opinion may not be welcomed warmly among nuns running the school nor by my classmates. We had been obliged to think (not only talk) about her only in positive way although she had been causing a lot of distress of ours and simply made her lessons unbearable. Bitter woman, complaining all the time and humiliating us at every step we made. She ones  told us - and this was a very rare moment when she was smiling - that, as a sixteen-year-old girl, she dreamed about becoming "a great saint" of Catholic Church and that this dream was very, very strong... 

"Well, I thought, so why didn't you become one, you old crone?! You maybe wouldn't be so bitter and full of wrath."

I now know the reason - she walked into the wall. A high wall which seemed to be an impassable obstacle.

I'm sure you heard countless stories of people who recollect that they dreamed about becoming someone else they are right now but they didn't achieve that for many reasons. However, I think, the problem is we don't understand that the life is not a straight line or a path. It is a Maze in which we must learn how to navigate. When meeting the wall, we sometimes need to get back or chose another direction - right or left. And we should memorise the way: I've already been in this corner, coming back there is pointless etc. 

Yet, what do most of us do? We stay. We dwell at this spot of despair and we settle down there instead of moving on. Or, which is even more stupid, we try to demolish the wall by force.

Recipe For Adulthood

So, I did something crazy.

This thing helped me feel better in my poor condition.

I did this because I know myself and I was sure this should be done.

I, once again, succumbed to love despite everything.

And, foremost, I didn't hurt anyone by that.

I strongly believe that we need to stay coherent with our own philosophy. We should have solid convictions, especially at some stage of our life, and follow them no matter what. This is what adulthood is.

No Surprises

I have had this feeling for some time that nothing will surprise me in my life. And you know what? Nothing surprises me, at all. 

First, I know myself. I can predict most of my reactions in various situations. It's good, I suppose, for this ability helps grown up people with managing their own emotions. For the most part, at least. 

Second, I constantly plan everything upfront. Expenses, actions, career... Unfortunately, I only succeed in things that have the least interesting value for me. 

Seems I became too cautious, too serious, too adult. And this situation doesn't bother me so much as the fact that I didn't get from life what I really wanted. There was no "success". The Success. 

And it won't be. 

Even if I will gain all my goals that look so delicious from the distance, I won't feel the relief. 

And this is the biggest success of my life: understanding the truth from the line above. Any kind of triumph nor luck will not comfort me, though they might taste so good at the beginning. The dark and bitterness will be back, but, this time, there won't be surprise. I simply know they will emerge eventually. 

Does it make of me a bigger loser than I am? 

Or maybe it makes I am no longer the loser?

Humility. Submission to the ultimate truth of who I am which may be closing a door but opening the other one. 

e-Book

Guide For Ultimate Losers 

available on Amazon

Succumbed To Love

Some people say: follow your heart, follow your dreams... It is stupid to have a dull job, 9 to 5, five days a week, in order to have some goods which don't make you happy.

I, as an expert in following and un-following heart and dreams, say: dull jobs are usually very helpful while fulfilling your dreams, simply because you earn the money that is the ticket to something better. (Of course, if you were born in a rich family and you don't have to work, I completely don't understand why you still wait and don't follow your dreams.)

Here is the thing - the love is the most important thing in this world and demands of love can be always met, even by doing a dull job. Because love is something opposite to egoism, so you won't neglect your basic needs nor the needs of people who are depended on you and you won't act childish due to your unfulfilled dream (I recommend watching the movie: "The Glass Castle" with Brie Larsson and Woody Harrelson, it is about people who follow the dreams no matter what it costs).

Follow your heart, but use your brain. 

Take advantage of the power that the feeling to 'wrong person' gives you, but don't get close to that person.

Do crazy things as long as they don't hurt anyone. 

Succumb to love, but don't be deluded and stay aware it will cause a lot of pain.