Sunday 7 August 2016


I sometimes behave like my friend with schizophrenia who had "predicted" his mental illness before it really occurred. I write or tell about something and I had no idea I am clarifying another issue I've been struggling with for quite a time. 

I mentioned being occupied by compulsions, but I did not get the point that it explains the biggest crisis which has been tormented me for the last two and a half years. For over a decade, I had been in good terms with my compulsions, because they gave me strength and motivation many times, which was absolutely providential for someone who literally lives in the autistic box and is cut off from "normal" social life. But these "good terms" seem to be terminated. To be more specific: I realized that I wanted to control the wrong things. Wrong for me. 
But! They still come back to me. That's why I feel as if I constantly was torn apart by... doubts. Is it good that I give up these compulsions? This is strength and motivation after all, right?
Yet the problem has its roots even deeper - in my upbringing. This is also some kind of matrix I was building my thinking on. This was the dark propaganda of a person who was obsessed with controlling me and my mind. 
"Our life is different. Our situation is exceptional. I must act like that. We have no choice. The happiness of ordinary people is not for us... not for you. You cannot escape. You must accept this fate." 
So, it is not weird I have doubts when I try to live the life of an ordinary person when I decline to be a slave of any compulsion and I want to terminate any insane obligation that was put on my conscience. 

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