Sunday 14 August 2016

Portal Into The Right Side Of Reality

Have you watched the TV series "Stranger Things" with Winnona Ryder? (if not, spoiler alert!) 
Although I think the title is much overrated, at least in Polish internet, I found the idea of "upside-down world" very interesting, because I had the feeling I know what it could be to get there. Actually, in my case, it would be reversed challenge: how to get out of this place (state of mind). 
After writing previous post, I suddenly saw my past as the reality of total upside-down world and the post as an act of right-side world, meaning something I couldn't achieve in that dark place. So I reviewed everything from better perspective and I had to ask this question: what is the fundament of the wrong place I come from? The answer is in one word: Guilt. 

My everyday efforts are currently focused on doing things as they should be done. I desperately want to live in healthy environment, according to God's wish... But I cannot make this dreams come true as long as I don't know what was wrong then. And, quite so, it was reversing of everything. 
I had been witnessing debauchery, but I, as a little girl, was blamed for having "dirty" thoughts. I heard only untruth coming out of my mother's mouths, but I was named "lier". She hated church, but it was me who had been called "unbeliever" (I was four at that moment). Now I know I was used as a scapegoat for her (and not only her) sins and complexes. 
This is how I was taught how to build relationships: either I am guilty, or someone else is. If I didn't want to feel guilty, I had to be strong, merciless or... very righteous, so that I could become a judge of everyone (like my mother or internet trolls). I was fixated on justice, I was constantly fighting for fair rights, wherever I went. And I wasn't aware I am on war with her... That I desperately demand justice for me, the little girl, who can't carry this burden anymore.

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