Friday 26 October 2018

Guardian Demons

Unaware of what I was really doing, I touched the gist of every mental illness. Only after writing and reading my last post, I saw that this is the fact: we, sick people, had been separated from our own 'self,' that's why I had the impression I live in two separate worlds. 

Every human being should be connected with each part of its own construction: body, mind, soul, memories, emotions... We must become our own owners. But we are not. The core of the existence is like owned by something else: havoc. And the real name of this havoc is LIE. We live far from our own truth. 

I will explain it by using an example. Ten years ago, on a regular day, I was going to work. I met a guy I used to love... And this meeting was the havoc as if some kind of tornado came through my body and mind. I was agitated, desperate, angry, sad, depressed, but also happy and full of hope (just as I was feeling when I met my father...). After that, I came to work and... everything stopped. I crossed the invisible border and found myself in the second world of mine, the 'normal' one. 

There are two things. First, I didn't know then that I had been constantly experiencing the emotions related to my biological father, because they were forbidden, I had to push them deep into my memories and pretend that I don't have them. Second, for over thirty years I was convinced that the world of havoc was something wrong, that I am a big failure since I still have it in my mind. And this is the essence of mental illness - this very lies. 

The same when it comes to my 'right' to live. I was sure I have no right to be alive unless someone else would give such permission. I wasn't wanted and I always knew it. I knew my mother considered me as a 'problem' or a 'burden'; she also was certain she is my owner and she can do whatever she wants with me, with my body, mind, memories, emotions, etc. She, and, later on, other people, became the 'guardian demons' standing on the border of my own 'self', forbidding me the pass. 

And the thing that pisses me off is that most of the so-called therapies and rehabs lead to the addiction to another Guardian Demons - therapists, doctors, family members - instead of showing us that the healing is when becoming free and independent human beings.

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