I've been silent lately.
First, Christmas and New Year are the hardest moments in the year for me. Earlier, I didn't know why but now it is obvious that it is about anxiety. Since September, I feel my guts are twisted with the fear of something that is coming... The only couple of years ago, I realized that I am subconsciously afraid of the necessity of spending time with my mother and, what was worse, with her family. It turned out that even when I don't meet her or anyone else who is unpleasant for me, I feel like crap because I still remember. My body and mind remember all those holidays...
Second, free time without work and the people around me gave me an opportunity to experience all these feelings more intensely. And I admit that I let myself for this 'luxury' willingly. And it was as much exhausting as... nice. I did not escape. I did not rationalize my state either. I accepted myself just as I am. It didn't cure me, whatsoever. But this exercise unraveled a lot, e.g. that anxiety was always the most important factor in my life: it influences both all the decisions I make and decisions I do not make. This discovery was shocking yet somehow liberating.
I am more and more convinced that anxiety problems are the main factor causing my suicidal thoughts and creating my 'suicidal brain'. This is, however, the conclusion that concerns only my case, for I cannot speak in other people's stead. It doesn't scare me that I have this kind of problems. The thing that terrifies me the most is the fact that I was living in the darkness of being unaware and that there was no one around me who could help me to find the truth. The Truth is most important - even the awful one.
Only when we know that we are afraid of something we may estimate if this fear is justified or is it the reaction of the body for the previous events that were so dreadful that we pushed them away, deep into our subconsciousness. This is the complicated case - to distinguish things of 'before' from 'now'. I will explain it by describing my own situation.
I was very much afraid of buying a flat and, back then, I was sure that it is because of the mortgage I had to take along with the uncertain financial situation. But I was wrong. It was about loneliness. I was waking every night terrified; sitting on my bed and listened to the sounds coming from the corridor outside my door.
'I am alone! I am alone!' - I heard my own voice in my head and the pounding heart in my chest.
You know what? My loneliness now is NOT scary at all. It was back then when I was a little girl and when I had been waking up in the middle of the night and listened to the sounds coming from behind the door... because my mother wasn't there, she was leaving me whenever she wanted to and didn't care if I am scared or if I need her.
So now, try to understand whole this situation. In order to avoid the awful feeling of being lonely, I would escape into some relationship with anyone... and, after a short time, I would find myself in exactly the same place I was before. Why? Because that person wouldn't provide me the things my mother didn't give me and I would demand it anyway. Another f***ing impasse (fortunately, avoided).
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