Simple Recipe for Schizophrenia

Black clouds have been gathering over my head for some time now. This is a real dark, nothing made up. 

This is the fear that becomes like a snowball - it is growing, increasing its size. It may not be real, yet it is... 

Something happened a long time ago. This event caused irreversible changes in the way my brain has been functioning: it always tries to come back to that painful experience by pushing me to the thoughts and emotions (think the thoughts induce the emotions) that would invoke the whole sequence of mental states.

So, you may ask, what did happen?

Well, I have no bloody idea. I don't remember, for who wants to remember such thing that had fried your brain?

I still insist on coming back to the past, instead of rationalization of current events, of one particular reason: as an adult person, I've been through so many and so bad things - all of which I overcame smoothly and with courage - that I should have learned that there is nothing to fear... But I didn't. I see again how my body and mind are preparing for another psychosis episode. They are doing so because they were created to stand guard over the Truth and they don't care that my conscious was trained to deny it for the sake of the comfort of other people. And the Truth is someone had hurt me a long time ago and never redressed it. 

My anxiety is in regard to:

1. being rejected (in general, not only by certain people)

2. losing things that belong to me and that I worked very hard for (it also concerns basic needs like my flat, food, even nationality) - in two words: being robbed

3. being invisible (anything I do or say is unnoticed or disregarded)

4. being a victim of some kind of collusion (though it contradicts the point above) of people who want to get rid of me... 

Yep. Once I wrote these sentences, I saw my problem in a little bit different light. Let's face it.

1. As a child, I was constantly terrified that my mother would reject me (I had been writing about that not once, also in my books); moreover, she was maintaining that others don't accept me. That's right! My own mother was telling me such things.

2. I was robbed of many things, but maybe let's start with my father and the right to have him. Imagine you need to live with the person who took you something essential and you are obliged to love, adore and honor her... You cannot fight for your rights (like you can fight as a citizen who doesn't want to pay higher taxes) and everybody around you is backing her, not you, hence...

3. ...you sometimes feel like an invisible creature. You try to say something, to scream or just to die - everything seems to be good as long as that would ensure you any attention. 

4. Okay, though it really sounds like paranoia, I did experience the situations in which I was hounded and bullied, e.g. in the army when I reported sexual abuse... But! The people who scare me the most are members of my mother's family. I am seriously frightened, for they did give me a reason to be so. They are insane and dangerous. And they constantly plot against me (luckily, I have the witnesses for their lunacy). 

So now... let nobody tells me that the cause of schizophrenia is something mysterious.