Last time, I wrote about being triggered by something that may lead a person to commit the suicide... Well, despite there might be the events that occur right now, the real reason is hidden in our brains and was created a long time ago. It would be good to find the primary cause and face it.
Today, something bad happened to me. I am not sharing the details with anyone (except my 'analog' diary), for I know that, for most of the people, the situation is trivial. But not for me. And it did trigger whole the sequence of bad thoughts and emotions in my body, leading me straight to the edge of despair.
Why?
As a child and a teenager, I always had to be perfect. And my every decision and action must have been good. This was not about perfectionism but about how other people think and look at me. If anything was going wrong - in my mother's opinion - and there was a slight possibility that someone else could have criticized me, I was sure I won't have a life at home. The punishment was definite. And cruel. And lasting.
And this is what I am afraid of - the lasting punishment, the cascade catastrophy: wry face, evil words (or silence for a week or more), rejection, anger... All these just because I did something 'wrong', that I placed her in an unfavorable light in front of other people's eyes.
Now, after many years those situations took place (though not so many), the wound on my nervous system is still open and bleeding. I constantly dwell on evaluating what would she have thought about this or that, and the list of 'wrong' things according to her hasn't changed whatsoever.
The main problem is that, by her vicious 'upbringing', I wasn't taught that some people sometimes may have a negative opinion about me, and if they do, it doesn't decrease my value and it doesn't take away my elementary right for living the normal life.
No comments:
Post a Comment