Princess Diana and Princess Marilyn

If you were not loved by your parents and by nobody else whatsoever, but, unfortunatelly, you are pretty or sexy girl and, later on, a smart woman, you learn very quickly that your beauty and sex appeal may buy you a "love", which, in fact, is only some kind of attention and admiration. 

Undoubtely, either late Diana Spencer nor Marilyn Monroe had loving parents and carers as a little girls. They were not wanted, always rejected, not good enough... Reading their biographies made my heart bleed in excruciating pain. But it took me some time to realise that both of them were 36-years-old when they died tragicly. And only when I turned 36, I fully understood their situation. 

This age is very special for women. The body changes rapidly. The face is no longer so shiny and fresh. It is hard to sustain proper weight. And the mind, much more bright than before, starts to realise that past is past and the ageing cannot be stoped. Well, for "normal" woman, who has all stages of her psychological developement closed, this is the time of new prospects. She may feel sad looking at the mirror and not seeing that smooth and nice face, but she has so much more reasons to live longer - family, children, friends, career, glass of wine in the evening, favourite TV series etc. But, for us, the "sweet dolls", "little princesess" this is the end of everything, unless... we, by some miracle, become "aware" princesses. 

In case of Diana and Marilyn, the miracle didn't happen. The lines of their lives - filled with drugs overuse, eating disorders, believing in superstitions and nonsenses read from the tarot - had been leading straight to the doomed end. 

Marilyn's real name was Norma. And if you take a glimpse of the pictures taken while she was very young, you will see a normal looking girl. Eccept she wasn't loved. She used her sharp mind (she was very smart) to draw the attention of other people. "Boobs and butt" instead of intelligence and modesty. Platin blonde hair and a perl-white smile instead of a gentle look and a simple hairstyle. 

The people "bought" it, yet the pain had been intensifying. Norma didn't feel the love the fans all over the world showed her... 

Reading biography of Diana, written by Andrew Morton, was one of the less pleasant experiences in my life. Nobody cared of this girl. From the very beginning, she was a huge disapointment, only because she wasn't a boy (what is interesting, one of her sons was the same disapointment for not being a girl). When she had been marrying Charles, she practically was a child and I am fully convinced she remained the child till her demise. 

And she had been "selling" some kind of fake picture of herself, too. Full of contradictions, always knew how to make people's hearts beat faster. Innocent gaze under golden fringe, silent voice, proper pose and, at the same time, countless affairs (or just gossips about them), controversial moves, interviews set up with the press she supposedely hated so much... She hid herself behind charity work - which provided the most of people's admiration - so the pain seemed to be fading. Her last days were filled with constant work and her life was much too fast...

So about me... I am no longer pretty. The sweet doll disappeared. I am overweight and a little bit clumsy. My legs and arms look like fat sausages and I'm constantly tired. I look like normal woman, almost 40-years-old. Naturally, I felt an excruciating pain, since I've lost the things I was buying people's admiration and attention with. Yet, I am alive. I have prospects, I've just received an offer of  a good job, my next novels are to be printed... The pain didn't fade, but the awareness is keeping me in vertical. And there is something much more important - Faith. 

I am not against the charity work neither against career in show business, but I think that in God's intention our personal good is much more important, for:

"What, then, will anyone gain by winning the whole world and forfeiting his life? Or what can anyone offer in exchange for his life?" [Matthew, 16,26]

Primary

I've reached some critical point. With my emotions, of course. But I had once an epiphany in which I saw that I need to "let my feelings free". 

"Mhm..." - I thougth at first. - "And what? Should I scream or cry, or do something else that is unacceptable in so called society?"

But then, I realised that this is a good direction. And, when the right moment came, I had been screaming, crying and I made a tantrum no one saw before, at least not in the company I work in. As a result, I got what I wanted to get.

Naturally, such behaviour shouldn't be something normal, for nobody would like to work with me. But it was too much to handle. I found myself in the situation that was this one drop which poured a cup of bitterness. 

This experience forced me to think about emotions in a little bit different light. I got this conclusion that the anger my colleagues could witness was a "primary emotion", and I didn't let myself for the convenience of expressing it before because it had been "overwritten" by other emotions, imprinted in upbringing process - guilt, shame, anxiety. 

But why should I be ashamed by my emotions? Even if someone says that they are not adequate to the situation. Well, who has the real insight into my internal situation and who knows what the external circumstances are? No one! Only me. I had a very good reason to be angry or despaired and I expressed it though I didn't count on anybody's response. Yet, there was a good reaction, and I shouldn't forget that.

And this is the issue I am pondering of lately. I seek for "primary emotions", I dig them out of my mind and I untangle anxious thoughts. 

December Hat-Trick

So, it's done - "Guide For (Ultimate) Losers" is available on Amazon for every reader who is too lazy to click post by on post this very blog. 

What is interesting, today is a special day also because one of magazines from IT sector published an article I wrote with my colleague about cloudiators. Yep, I am a journalist again (this is my first occupation and profession), and I am an "expert" in branch that was always far from my personal interests.

And there is a third reason this Monday is not an ordinary day. Eight years ago, exactly 18th of December, I launched my very first blog. The blog doesn't exist anymore, but the next ones turned out to be very profitable for me, though not in terms of money. (I assume, this time I will be broke too).

Is it some kind of closed cycle finally? Does it mean I left my loop without falling into another one? This year, I indeed finished some "old cases" that had been tormenting me for over a decade. And I feel very odd with that fact... 

It's Coming...

My blog - amended and edited - is to be available on Amazon. Here's the link:

Guide For (Ultimate) Losers

Cover

The cover doesn't look merry, but life of the loser is not happy either

"Guide For Losers"

Yep! This title is perfect.

Since I feel as a complete loser today (bloody Monday), I decided to publish this blog.

However, this is not a guide per se, because I do not advise how not to be a loser or how to become one. For last two years, I had been trying to understand why do I find myself as a total disaster even if the facts say something else...

Let's get work!

Social Media Queen

Well... maybe not a queen yet, but I intend to be one since I want to exist as a serious writer or publisher. Let's say I'm warming up ;)

So, there is an Instagram account: 

https://www.instagram.com/rozalewanowicz/

Twitter: 

https://twitter.com/RozaLewanowicz

Facebook: 

https://www.facebook.com/RozaLewanowiczAutor/

And of course official site: 

rozalewanowicz.com

Feel free to visit 😊