The Maze

I had a teacher in the high school, an older lady remembering harsh times of war. She wasn't good for us. She wasn't a good person whatsoever, being constantly focused on her own pain and memories, ignoring the world outside. I know that this opinion may not be welcomed warmly among nuns running the school nor by my classmates. We had been obliged to think (not only talk) about her only in positive way although she had been causing a lot of distress of ours and simply made her lessons unbearable. Bitter woman, complaining all the time and humiliating us at every step we made. She ones  told us - and this was a very rare moment when she was smiling - that, as a sixteen-year-old girl, she dreamed about becoming "a great saint" of Catholic Church and that this dream was very, very strong... 

"Well, I thought, so why didn't you become one, you old crone?! You maybe wouldn't be so bitter and full of wrath."

I now know the reason - she walked into the wall. A high wall which seemed to be an impassable obstacle.

I'm sure you heard countless stories of people who recollect that they dreamed about becoming someone else they are right now but they didn't achieve that for many reasons. However, I think, the problem is we don't understand that the life is not a straight line or a path. It is a Maze in which we must learn how to navigate. When meeting the wall, we sometimes need to get back or chose another direction - right or left. And we should memorise the way: I've already been in this corner, coming back there is pointless etc. 

Yet, what do most of us do? We stay. We dwell at this spot of despair and we settle down there instead of moving on. Or, which is even more stupid, we try to demolish the wall by force.

Recipe For Adulthood

So, I did something crazy.

This thing helped me feel better in my poor condition.

I did this because I know myself and I was sure this should be done.

I, once again, succumbed to love despite everything.

And, foremost, I didn't hurt anyone by that.

I strongly believe that we need to stay coherent with our own philosophy. We should have solid convictions, especially at some stage of our life, and follow them no matter what. This is what adulthood is.

No Surprises

I have had this feeling for some time that nothing will surprise me in my life. And you know what? Nothing surprises me, at all. 

First, I know myself. I can predict most of my reactions in various situations. It's good, I suppose, for this ability helps grown up people with managing their own emotions. For the most part, at least. 

Second, I constantly plan everything upfront. Expenses, actions, career... Unfortunately, I only succeed in things that have the least interesting value for me. 

Seems I became too cautious, too serious, too adult. And this situation doesn't bother me so much as the fact that I didn't get from life what I really wanted. There was no "success". The Success. 

And it won't be. 

Even if I will gain all my goals that look so delicious from the distance, I won't feel the relief. 

And this is the biggest success of my life: understanding the truth from the line above. Any kind of triumph nor luck will not comfort me, though they might taste so good at the beginning. The dark and bitterness will be back, but, this time, there won't be surprise. I simply know they will emerge eventually. 

Does it make of me a bigger loser than I am? 

Or maybe it makes I am no longer the loser?

Humility. Submission to the ultimate truth of who I am which may be closing a door but opening the other one. 

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Succumbed To Love

Some people say: follow your heart, follow your dreams... It is stupid to have a dull job, 9 to 5, five days a week, in order to have some goods which don't make you happy.

I, as an expert in following and un-following heart and dreams, say: dull jobs are usually very helpful while fulfilling your dreams, simply because you earn the money that is the ticket to something better. (Of course, if you were born in a rich family and you don't have to work, I completely don't understand why you still wait and don't follow your dreams.)

Here is the thing - the love is the most important thing in this world and demands of love can be always met, even by doing a dull job. Because love is something opposite to egoism, so you won't neglect your basic needs nor the needs of people who are depended on you and you won't act childish due to your unfulfilled dream (I recommend watching the movie: "The Glass Castle" with Brie Larsson and Woody Harrelson, it is about people who follow the dreams no matter what it costs).

Follow your heart, but use your brain. 

Take advantage of the power that the feeling to 'wrong person' gives you, but don't get close to that person.

Do crazy things as long as they don't hurt anyone. 

Succumb to love, but don't be deluded and stay aware it will cause a lot of pain. 

F***ing Wrong

So... I am sick. Like... for real. I have been trying to avoid the topic for some time, but you simply cannot omit such thing as your failing body. Though, you try... Especially when you know that the disease will continue taking off your strength and many abilities, and you will never ever be healthy. I feel like I'm losing control and like I am guilty of the situation. 

But there is something I cannot forget about: I have never ever been healthy in my life. I was born sick and the main problem was nobody wanted to treat me or even see the issue. Thus, admitting I am not OK may change a lot, for I can take care of myself now. At least, I can try. 

The second truth about my condition is that I had been sick less every time I was... "crazy". Now, I know that these were the moments when I was really me, but, for most people, I was insane. I heard, not once, that I am deluded because I am acting against a "normal" way of thinking, e.g. I am going to the big, strange city without money, a job and nothing else but the crazy idea that I must go to this city. Well, after ten years, I must say to those people (some of them are dead now): "you were f**ing wrong". 

I realized lately that I need a balance. My madness, disease and common sense must be always considered while making any decision. Because I was indeed deluded thinking that I'm not sick. This was insane and this must stop. And I would be a lunatic if I'd reject the power inside of me every time I am eager to do something really mad. 

Debugging

When I was in the army, I once visited my friend I had been living with in a dorm when we were students. I liked her very much because she was a very nice and gentle girl. It was Christmas break and I could meet her siblings and her mother. This visit helped me understand why this beautiful and smart girl is so insecure and where her countless complexes come from. Her mom was very friendly... towards me but not towards her own daughter. And the daughter had been doing anything she could to please the moody and criticising mother - even neglecting her guest. 

I then saw pure and the most hideous manifestation of jealousy I have ever witnessed in my life (beside my own jealous mother). This woman hated my friend and it was so obvious I was surprised the daughter wasn't aware of that. The woman wasn't a mother, whatsoever! She was a bullie, demotivating her wonderful girl at every step she had been trying to make, insinuating that she is ugly, stupid and lazy. 

I'm recalling this situation, for I realised lately that, for ninety percent of my time, I am not happy just because I am afraid that someone is going to destroy my happiness just for envy. OK, Someone in particular - God. That's right! I was meditating and I found this "glitch" in my "code". If I had to depict this thinking schema, it would show crooked black arms reaching out to me from the dark hole and pulling me down into it. I know it's awkward to think like this about God... but this is how our Faith is weakened by being brought up by... jealous mother who is pulling her child down into the dark hole of despair every time the child wants to be happy. There is huge possibility we would shift our fears onto imagination of God. Thus, I am insecure and I am afraid of any indication of happiness which inevitably would cause the wrath of some "god" who will punish me right away. 

I'm sure you know people around you who constantly are unhappy. Sometimes, it is the matter of character, but, quite often, the person is scared of being content because this means loss of parent's "love". Except, we don't need their love, not anymore. But, for sure, we need friends.

After many years, I refreshed my relationship with this girl. Unfortunately, I couldn't keep it, when I realised that I will never "win" with her mother, still present in her life. I could handle that she had been discussing in details our every conversation with mother - though it wasn't easy for me - but constant changing plans we had been making together when mom had been showing me that personal life and friends of her daughter are not important... that was way too much to handle.