Wrong Assumptions

The wrong assumption is when we assume that the things we experience now will be the same in the future. The most erroneous assumption is when we think that people we are now with will stay with us and will do what they are doing at the moment.

I met many people in my life. But I am not loyal. Not for those who get used to my presence and take it as a certainty. Because, behind that attitude, always comes a lack of respect, indifference... The indifferent people simply have no volition which is the base for love. And love is something that interests me the most. 

Make no mistake, the love doesn't mean someone has feelings towards me - though this is a very important factor. The love means we give to each other things that are necessary at the very moment. Sometimes, even the strongest feelings succumb to very weak will, yet, the people around me tend to think that I won't bother the poor quality of their behavior. Well, it does bother. And I don't have to stay.

Enough is Enough

Despite I am currently going through a huge crisis in my relation to God, I strongly believe that He not so rarely 'helps' me with very hard decisions by creating certain circumstances. Everything seems to go fine and suddenly I meet a big obstacle on my path which I am not able to beat. After weeks or months of fighting and trying to figure out how to jump over the obstacle, I need to stop and think whether I really want to go further, or maybe there is something else I want to do, that was hidden deep in my mind and heart up to this moment. And here starts the most interesting: when I make the decision, the right one of course (God's Will), I can notice the other path in my Maze, the next level, another story to experience and to write about. 

DIY

Speaking of being in euphoric state...

Nowadays, there is no better way to find the reason to be euphoric for a short moment than social media. I didn't understand that until I started promoting myself as a writer... and this still is uneasy to get. Honestly, this is hard case if you really need to bump the statistics and see some measurable results. The euphoria quickly changes into frustration and disaffection, especially when you were taught that you are a living error and especially when you promote the work your shitty publisher doesn't pay you for.

Nevertheless, I do my best, e.g. I design and constantly improve my website:

https://www.rozalewanowicz.com/ 

Work in Progress

No Maze wall will stop me to do this:

Hats, hats, hats, hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats,  hats, 

The Maze

I had a teacher in the high school, an older lady remembering harsh times of war. She wasn't good for us. She wasn't a good person whatsoever, being constantly focused on her own pain and memories, ignoring the world outside. I know that this opinion may not be welcomed warmly among nuns running the school nor by my classmates. We had been obliged to think (not only talk) about her only in positive way although she had been causing a lot of distress of ours and simply made her lessons unbearable. Bitter woman, complaining all the time and humiliating us at every step we made. She ones  told us - and this was a very rare moment when she was smiling - that, as a sixteen-year-old girl, she dreamed about becoming "a great saint" of Catholic Church and that this dream was very, very strong... 

"Well, I thought, so why didn't you become one, you old crone?! You maybe wouldn't be so bitter and full of wrath."

I now know the reason - she walked into the wall. A high wall which seemed to be an impassable obstacle.

I'm sure you heard countless stories of people who recollect that they dreamed about becoming someone else they are right now but they didn't achieve that for many reasons. However, I think, the problem is we don't understand that the life is not a straight line or a path. It is a Maze in which we must learn how to navigate. When meeting the wall, we sometimes need to get back or chose another direction - right or left. And we should memorise the way: I've already been in this corner, coming back there is pointless etc. 

Yet, what do most of us do? We stay. We dwell at this spot of despair and we settle down there instead of moving on. Or, which is even more stupid, we try to demolish the wall by force.

Recipe For Adulthood

So, I did something crazy.

This thing helped me feel better in my poor condition.

I did this because I know myself and I was sure this should be done.

I, once again, succumbed to love despite everything.

And, foremost, I didn't hurt anyone by that.

I strongly believe that we need to stay coherent with our own philosophy. We should have solid convictions, especially at some stage of our life, and follow them no matter what. This is what adulthood is.

No Surprises

I have had this feeling for some time that nothing will surprise me in my life. And you know what? Nothing surprises me, at all. 

First, I know myself. I can predict most of my reactions in various situations. It's good, I suppose, for this ability helps grown up people with managing their own emotions. For the most part, at least. 

Second, I constantly plan everything upfront. Expenses, actions, career... Unfortunately, I only succeed in things that have the least interesting value for me. 

Seems I became too cautious, too serious, too adult. And this situation doesn't bother me so much as the fact that I didn't get from life what I really wanted. There was no "success". The Success. 

And it won't be. 

Even if I will gain all my goals that look so delicious from the distance, I won't feel the relief. 

And this is the biggest success of my life: understanding the truth from the line above. Any kind of triumph nor luck will not comfort me, though they might taste so good at the beginning. The dark and bitterness will be back, but, this time, there won't be surprise. I simply know they will emerge eventually. 

Does it make of me a bigger loser than I am? 

Or maybe it makes I am no longer the loser?

Humility. Submission to the ultimate truth of who I am which may be closing a door but opening the other one.