Narc's Turning Point

Why do the narcs need followers? They don't exist without fans around them; they crave the limelight as other humans need oxygen.

The mechanism is simple - people who don't have a conscience still need someone who'd back their actions. People who hate themselves seek 'love' somewhere else. The last thing you can tell about narcs is that they are independent. And don't be fooled by how they ghost or discard others - finding new followers (better looking, wealthier ones) is easy as a walk in the park for these individuals.

Narcissists find themselves as the most unattractive beings in this world. But, contrary to the suicides, they never will admit that fact. They look at themselves through the eyes of other people, and since they have this fantastic ability to find enthusiasts of their fake image in every circumstance, they don't see any flaws. Very convenient, isn't it? Except it is not.

As I witnessed, the narcissist can instantly turn suicidal. Let all these followers disappear; let them vanish along with fame, fortune, and, in some cases, a person who was a narc's victim, e.g., the child. Such a situation may be the beginning of the end or... a chance. Will he or she use it as a turning point? That depends only on individual choice.

The mystery of the suicidal brain

You may have a narcissistic wound, yet you don't have to become a narc. But if you don't seek help, this wound will turn your life into a nightmare, and, eventually, it may lead you to suicidal death. This is what happened to me. Thank God I didn't kill myself, and for the first time in my life, I don't want to die (since I was six, to be exact), but I live with the trauma that paints my reality in very dark shades. 

Yes, I believe that narcs and suicides are two sides of the same coin. However, people with a narcissistic personality disorder willingly choose to hurt others to make their lives more bearable; they do not develop a conscience. They use their natural talents for immoral purposes. These talents are: creating a fake image and the ability to summon their own followers. 

Becoming popular or even a famous person is the primary goal of every narc. That's why creating the image consumes the whole of their energy. Hurting or destroying other individuals doesn't bother them. They suppress every single remorse, and they do that until the conscience is silenced for good. 

People with suicidal thoughts want to be liked. It seems to be similar to a narc's desire to become famous but make no mistake - they desperately want to please everyone but themselves, for they think this is the only way to stop hating themselves. They, too, live in dependency mode, but they are not interested in fame and popularity. Those people, just like I did, think that they don't deserve to be treated well, and very often, they are children of narcissistic parents. 

I will never understand why persons with this kind of wound choose such different paths. I don't know precisely why I became a suicide with mental health problems, not a narcissistic personality. Sometimes, this direction was very tempting and seemed easier to endure. Maybe it's because I have chosen God and His plan for my life, or perhaps some other factors have prevailed. I really want to discover the truth. 

Project manager for life

If you are not loved by anyone, you feel like you are drowning. All the time. 

The pain comes back one time by another, and you cannot escape it because the only cure is being loved by someone significant. 

This is how we were created - we must experience love; otherwise, our life is unbearable. 

I've learned to provide good things for myself, which is very helpful. Some moments of my existence are too hard, though, and I need to acquire the ability to cope with them. The nervous system is 'overloaded,' I am tired and a bit confused.

In fact, at some point, the life of a person who did not experience love and who did experience a lot of abuse turns into a big project of coping with the results of a painful past. And most people around us have no idea about our fight; they don't see survivors in us. We're lucky if they don't consider us as losers.

My Pathetic Suicide

Let's talk about suicide. My suicide. 

The only attempt in my life I desperately wanted to forget about. 

But forgetting doesn't change anything because the problem comes back, though it is masked and hidden behind some substitute. The reason it always haunts me is simple: I have never faced a direct cause. 

Silence days.

This is how my non-mother punished me; God alone knows what for. Suddenly, her mood changed, and she stopped talking to me. I could only count on the look of hatred and single growling from time to time. 

She knew it hurt me. That was the point. And I am sure she knew that this very pain was so unbearable it could kill me. By doing so, she could feel full power over me; she had control. 

That day, it was too much for me. I was sixteen, spending winter or summer break at home with her. And she didn't speak to me whatsoever. This situation was prolonged, and I didn't know what to do. The pain inside my chest and head was so tremendous I was sure I was going mad. I couldn't stand it. So I took a pill. One pill of a painkiller containing tranquilizer. But the pain was only increasing. So I took another pill. And another. And another. Until the pack was empty. I drifted away for a very long time. I was sure I would die, but it didn't bother me. I simply wanted to stop feeling the pain. I was lying on my bed in my room for almost two days, and she didn't check on me once. She didn't speak to me, after all. 

When I gathered, I was alive, but something inside of me died for good. And stayed dead up to this moment. I pushed myself away from the shock; I suppressed the memory. I felt like an ultimate loser who could not do anything properly - even kill myself (it was after I found out that this amount of drug wasn't enough to take the life). In my own eyes, I was a pathetic being.

Today, suppressing this memory, though unsuccessful, let me live. I was also unaware of another factor helping me survive. I discovered it now. But about that, another time. 

Come back to Earth, watch 'Ad Astra'

[This post contains spoilers]

The Ad Astra movie is not as killer as' Joker'' is. It is also a good piece of work, though. I found many negative opinions about it on the Polish internet; the viewers seemed disappointed, as if they expected something else. Well, I didn't expect anything. I wanted to spend last Sunday evening at the cinema, and the film about space travel is always the right choice for me. I received more than anticipated.

The subject of this movie could be easily depicted in the theatre, in the mere scene, without all these special effects and divine music (OMG! I love Max Richter, and this was the most delightful surprise hearing his compositions). But special effects also played a significant part, not only as stage directions.

In a few words, the movie 'Ad Astra' describes complicated relationships between father and son. It says about bad parenting and how it impacts the next generation's life. And the lives of many other people. It shows that the father is responsible for his son's future, emotional state, essential choices. But luckily, it also points out that the grown-up son becomes accountable for his own development if the father lets him down. While this journey - at some point even absurd, if we consider crazy flying monkeys - was an allegory of desperate attempts to save the absent parent. It was about saving, bringing him back where he should have been all the time, and convincing him that his 'mission' is, in fact, a delusion. The son would do anything to change his past, even fly to the fringe of the heliosphere.

It is not said directly, but the son realized and accepted that his father wasn't a hero. He stopped protecting his father's perfect picture and started seeing his life from the proper perspective. He could come back to Earth - in a metaphoric and literal sense.

As for the absurdity of some scenes, there is a possibility that this whole story was in Roy's head only. This was how he coped with a bleeding wound of an abandoned child. This was his healing journey, becoming a mature and free person.

Joker's Universum

[This is not a movie review. It's my personal opinion and feelings after watching 'Joker' in the cinema. The post contains spoilers.]

Loud silence

Five hundred people filled the cinema on Sunday evening. Five hundred young craved for good entertainment people ready for consumption of tons of pop-corn and gallons of cola. I was terrified. First, crowds make me feel uncomfortable. Second, I hate the sound of crunching and chewing, along with this specific smell. But for almost two hours, there was only silence. And palpable shock.

I'm not very fond of cinemas, both big and small ones. I like watching horrors there, though, or catastrophic movies for better effects. But I knew that 'Joker' is the film that I must-see on the big screen only. I somehow knew this movie will be about me too.

I read the opinion that it is hard to watch, that it is a 'heavy' picture with a very stifling atmosphere, and, due to that fact, even some spectators were leaving the cinemas before the end credits. Yes, and that's the point.

I was watching this movie with nothing but satisfaction. Other feelings were not significant at the moment. Finally, someone else could feel something that is my personal experience on a daily basis. I wasn't shocked by what I see. I wasn't in shock at all. Not after all these years with my non-mother and all this crap she keeps in her head. I know, for I saw it, the viewers were confused, they felt anxiety, and at some point embarrassment. The only thing I wanted to shout to them was:

"Welcome to my world, people!"

See what I see, feel what I feel

In my opinion, as a person who, for decades, suffers from mental health problems, 'Joker' is so far the best movie depicting mental health issues. It directly tells about the causes (surprise, surprise! - Arthur's mother was a diagnosed narc, and he was abused by her lover). It also shows the dramatic results (not everyone becomes a mass murderer, but Joker's figure vividly reminds me of at least one dictator's biography). From my point of view, however, the most important thing was how Joaquin Phoenix played that part.

Portraying character with emotional disorders is not easy because most of the people, actors too, have a very shallow understanding of what does it mean someone is struggling with mental health.

In the movie, there is a scene where Arthur is with his therapist, informing him about fund cuts, and that this is their last meeting. He then said something that is an epitome of being a mentally ill person in society:

"You don't listen."

When he was saying these words, he wasn't sick whatsoever. He was totally sane.

We are sick because nobody listens to us; nobody who can do something - parents, family, teachers, priests, shrinks. We must fit in some template; we must answer tendentious questions; we must obey. My therapists didn't want to listen to what I want to tell them - they only wanted me to be a 'good patient' to play another role in my life. While things I say always end in some void.

Arthur's voice wasn't heard, he stayed invisible. But his actions gained the attention. Why? Because he did something that many people wanted to do too. Of course, this deed was not in their name, for he didn't have any agenda. He simply was desperate. Like they were.

I won't lecture about society's unfairness and class division because it's not a real problem here. People's desperation starts long before they become grown-ups. And it also applies to rich people, expressing their despair differently. The thing is some persons endure tough times on emotional level (war, economic crisis, etc.), and some not. The internal stamina develops at home, at very early stages of life, usually, when we are too small to speak. But society stays behind our drama, e.g., when it destroys the institution of a healthy family; when there are no fathers present in our lives. It backs and covers unhealthy practices and makes them new normal. Society (family, school, church, social services, neighbors) ruined my life by letting my non-mother do whatever she wanted to do; by protecting her and not protecting my father's rights; by promoting the figure of a 'brave' lonely mother; by denying she's evil person... These made of me a vulnerable person, poorly enduring hard times.

We grow up, and we already are tired. We are fed up with being maltreated. We feel we do not belong to any kind of group, and if we do, we are not able to adjust. We feel like we are depersonalized. The frustration is more significant within years till the moment something breaks for good. If a man has no good bone, some compass-like faith in God, the tragedy is inevitable. 

Antihero but hero

Arthur craved for the attention. He wanted to be a stand-up comedian, which is quite understandable for me as people from dysfunctional families very often play the role of a court jester. They try to control the changing moods of an emotionally unstable parent by the lough. Later on, they attempt to control the bigger audience, much scarier one. I've been there, and I am a great comedian if the situation requires that. I can make others laugh, though inside, I am hauling like a wounded animal. 

Do you think his laugh was a real laugh? No. It was a cry. There was nothing funny about it. And the viewers, sitting around me in the cinema, had been expressing obvious distress while watching it.

He finally attracted attention. He became a hero, a model role even. And it didn't bother him it was because of becoming a cruel murderer. He gained self-confidence no one ever gave him. His voice was heard.

White mirror

I've read that there was massive butt-hurt among liberals concerning 'Joker.' Honestly, I have no clue why. I am not a liberal or leftist, despite my tough past and lack of family, and I don't know what so outrageous they could find about this movie. In fact, after leaving the cinema, I thought to myself: it's just a movie, and there are no political connotations in it; it's good to see such a non-engaged picture.

Well, it seems leftists can see wrong things everywhere nowadays. Especially when it touches their 'subconscious biases.' Maybe they have the impression someone put the mirror in front of their eyes.

Foe of mine

Being a child of a parent who is narcissistic sadist is something awful. But the much worse situation is when one is a member of a narcissistic family. It's not so rare, and the people who are aware that there is something wrong with their clan are in very complicated circumstances. They have two options - stay with the family or run away. The first alternative means they probably won't have the chance to heal their wounds, to be themselves, to live a healthy life, full of love and happiness. If they choose to escape the gulag euphemistically called family, they should be prepared for the war. And since they are fragile human beings, usually weakened by the ordeal they came through, the fight for their own well being seems way too hard for their nervous system. 

Well, this is my reality. 

On the one side of the barricade, they - predators, united against me, angry people, prepared for doing really nasty things to me. Things they call love, common sense, and observing God's commandments. They have assembled everyone they could: in-laws, friends, even secret lovers. Every single attempt to convince me I am a terrible person is justified in their eyes. These persons are backed by Church, neighbors, my 'friends' and teachers from my school. 

On the other side, me. Just me. Some people told me, "you're not alone; we are with you." But once I was openly attacked by some family members, I found allies in people I didn't expect.

It took me too much time to understand why my non-mother's sibling and their spouses (and spouses' sibling) are so fierce and united in their campaign. She and they don't even like each other, they were permanent enemies, plotting and accusing one by another of real or imagined things. But this is how NPD families work - they join the forces against a common foe. In this case, the adversary is me. And this was also a mystery for me. They act as if my decision was a threat. For it is.

NPD families are built on lies. Many lies. The person telling them the truth is dangerous and should be silenced by all means. The lies are like glue for the fiction created many years ago by our ancestors - it makes the impression everything is in the right place. They don't believe in these myths though. In their guts, they know that everything is wrong. Just like me. They simply don't know that living in truth is possible.