Sunday 24 March 2019

Take Care

Well, maybe my 'suicidal brain' works a little bit better now but I still need to struggle with other problems. The worst of them is anxiety.

The fact that I was fired last Tuesday doesn't improve my state. It reminds me of all these awful situations when I felt like the worst sort of trash. And I don't know if the moment when you hear you are fired is so bad or it is worsened by the suppressed memories. 

I realized that I constantly try to find a place with the people who won't disappoint me as if this could heal my wounds. When I read this review of my book where someone called it 'huge disappointment', it occurred to me that the only person who shouldn't do that is me. And the only Person I should never in my life deliberately disappoint is God. 

But when someone fires you - especially when you struggle with mental illness - you are more than anxious. You ask yourself the questions whether you could do something to prevent it; whether you could predict it; didn't you see it was coming? You blame yourself... 

However, at some point, you know that you're better now when you start thinking about yourself with a concern. The anxiety is no longer the main voice in your head, it is not leading you. You worry that these circumstances may harm you, cause a relapse, ruin the stability you built with such an effort. At first, you are mad at the person who did it to you (in this situation, the boss) but then you need to get a grip and take care of yourself - this time, better than before.

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