Wednesday 27 March 2019

Invisible Fortress

Nobody knew how I was spending Sunday morning. But it was awesome. The fact that I wasn't noticed didn't spoil my mood. For some time, I have been aware that this is how I want my life looks like - I am invisible, unimportant, forgotten... despite the voice of anxiety says something opposite. I am happy when no one is judging me or even look at me. But the problem is that the only effective cure for my emotional issues is doing things that may expose me to the overall sight. And this is awful.


Not so long time ago, I discovered that people who have suicidal thoughts - like me - are those who depend on others' opinion too much and it concerns really serious and essential things. That's why it is so hard to live the life of an invisible person. It is hard to ensure the acceptance for own deeds and decisions internally. I still look around as if someone 'important' would say that I and my actions are important or unimportant, that I deserve for some kind of approval or not... 

This very knowledge started changing my mindset. But, paradoxically, only criticism and rejection created proper situations in which I could 'train' my will and change my way of thinking. I could begin building my fortress I should have built as a child. 


The fortress means a single person doesn't lose the connection with own self. The walls protecting the core of the existence are high and strong. I don't depend on anybody's opinion. Nobody can tell me that I don't deserve to live or to be loved. And this is what I had believed in for a very long time. 

In the case of people like me, it is very easy to undermine our strength and self-confidence. Sometimes, banal things can trigger the decision of taking own life. That's why I try as much as I can to be nice and kind (or stay away if I am not able to be), for I don't know the mental state of the person I am talking to. We really never know...

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