Working in the places I shouldn't work in and being with people I shouldn't spend time with results in constant tiredness. I am exhausted, drained, barely alive... My brain is fried. My body aches.
Just one person can bring me to this state. One! I wake up and I think that I must meet her or him, and my whole day will be ruined.
Now, imagine you are a little child and you must live under one roof with the person who is a sadist, who doesn't love you, who turns your life into a disaster... Sometimes, there is psychical and physical abuse involved, and sometimes, sexual assaults even. Yet, you cannot escape, you must stay, be alone with your ordeal. In such situations, not so rarely, children protect their tormentors, hide the wounds, remain silent or loudly praise parents' and carers' virtues. You may say, it is Stockholm syndrome and you probably are right. But from my childhood, I remember these flashes of very clear thinking when I was aware of what is going on in my life.
In those moments, I was really me.
There was however a price for awareness - loneliness, rejection, fear of becoming an outcast. So I wasn't really me. I was choosing loyalty towards my sadistic mother. I was trying to understand her, to find nonexistent virtues in her, to love her as much as I could... And by 'love' I recognize 'having feelings'. I didn't know that loving doesn't mean having feelings, not always. I was forcing myself to like the person who was awful, aggressive, mean to me, and emotionally unstable.
Nowadays, I need to struggle with similar situations, in which I meet bad people or people who are aggressive and mean to me. The knowledge that I cannot escape kills me again... But when I recall my childhood I try to remember particularly about the moments of awareness because I then was truly free though maybe a little bit lonely. I need to be aware right now too.
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