Monday, 25 March 2019

Up-Side-Down

I'm sure you all know some movies or TV series where the main character struggles with the trauma he or she doesn't remember. It haunts that person though it is hidden deep in the subconscious. 

I don't remember what caused my own trauma. I really don't. But it impacts my life every second. 

So maybe I'll describe what it does with me, how it changes my mindset.

It is like finding myself in 'up-side-down world' depicted in 'Stranger Things' series. I freeze with terror. I cannot move. Everything I see and experience changes. I feel the fear of being outcasted from the world, the reality we all know. Everyone seems to be against me and I am stupid and unimportant. There is no one who could or want to protect me, backing me and my case.

The situation with losing my job intensified the trauma or just unveiled what I was trying to hide in order to avoid the pain. Except I still don't see what it is...


*** 

I freeze... Like an animal. Scared to death. 

I remember countless times I was frozen because of fear. And I had a good reason for that. 
I am not ACoA though my experiences are very similar to theirs. Besides, my mother, for a short period of time, had been drinking a lot, not coming back home for hours and, after showing up, being aggressive. I was scratching walls in my room out of unbearable stress.

The main problem I had to face all that time (now too) was loneliness. I had no one. NO ONE! Many people were aware of my situation though. People are still blind to somebody else's pain.


*** 


The story of my life is searching for a spirit mate, for someone who could be with me no matter what, no matter if I use big fonts or my language skills are poor. 

I don't remember the circumstances I felt like this for the first time - the rejection, the feeling that I am being banished from this planet. This is my trauma. 

I remember though when I for the first time felt abandoned by God. Priest's words, in ears of a little, very sensitive girl, sound like God's statement. This wound is still bleeding. 


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