Let's Talk About... You

Let's talk about motivation. Again.

First, I'm afraid I am going to lose the factor that motivates me now. Seriously scared, really. So, I am motivated to fight for the motivation to stay with me, no matter what (as long as my actions don't hurt anyone).

Second, the motivation makes I change, I seek for being altered, becoming better person... I see things I didn't want to see before. I am much more brave and determined.

Third, I am quite convinced that I have no much choice when it comes about things that motivate me during my life. They come directly from the biggest scars in my heart, and I cannot either ignore or erase them. They define me, they are part of my personality, and, by declining them, I would decline myself (which is nothing but base for auto-agressive diseases, both mental and somatic and who wants to be sick?).

Fourth, I need to be prepared for ultimate lost of the motivation, for the big break when I inevitably will break... down. But, you know, life goes on etc., etc. Yeah... We'll see.

Something I Can Never Have

There are two big couches in one of my favorite cafes in Warsaw. One is situated against the other, so if you will come with more people you can spend nice moments there at coffee, cake or sandwiches. But on last Sunday, there was a middle-aged couple sitting on one couch, and a young mom with a very little toddler sitting on the other couch. The couple was reading magazine and surfing in the internet but, as soon as the little boy woke up and started spreading his charm around himself, the woman jumped up from her place, and demanded changing the spot. The man, her husband I guess, looked confused, for he didn't understand why they would do so, since the couch was so nice and comfortable. 

"It's too hot in this sun" - she replied and grabbed all her belongings. 

No, it wasn't too hot because of the sun. One glimpse on her face let me recognise the problem. She couldn't stand the view of the child. She couldn't stand the fact that someone has something she doesn't have... 

Oh, I know the feeling!

We very often think and feel that we are not loved when we don't have the things we crave the most for. We are hurt to the bone. We suffer excruciating pain... For "being-not-loved" is the worst thing that can happen to us... 

Yes, as long as we are children of stupid parents who don't understand that being a parent (or a carer responsible for other life) means constant giving without guarantee of receiving anything back. The "goods" children want are, in most cases, something they need, hence they crave for love:

closeness, 

presence, 

conversation, 

acceptance, 

even if what they feel or do seems inappropriate.

If they don't get it, they are hurt and suffer an excruciating pain... Then, as grown up persons, they cannot stand when they don't receive what they want, and their pain is real and unbearable. And there is no understanding for what they feel. They are sometimes diagnosed as narcissistic personalities, they are bitter and depressed.  

The worst side effect of being deprived of parents' love is lack of an ability to differ what we NEED from what we WANT. 

Last(ing) Love

As I mentioned once, I had been doing various things during my life just because I loved somebody. To be more precise: I came to Warsaw ten years ago because I loved one guy; I wrote my first book (in fact, it was a manual for UAV users) because I loved... the Prince (yeah, THE Prince I had been writing about so many times at this very blog). Thus, I am not afraid of any "inappropriate" feelings. But when I made a resume of my real successes, I realised that most of them were possible thanks to motivation I was taking from loving someone else. Honestly, I'm shocked how this feeling impacted me, even in professional sphere. Yes, having a good job is one of most visible benefits I may experience every day...

So, as the Gospel says, "You will be able to tell them by their fruits" [Matthew 7,16] and, since there are so many fruits and they are so sweet, I had to rethink everything I have been thinking about this... situation. And it's interesting, for I had been concerning it as a huge mistake, which wasn't weird after previous awful stories. Meanwhile, it turned out, this is something that have kept me in vertical for last couple of years. The huge mistake became a huge surprise. 

To be continued... (I hope)

Non-Artificial Intelligence

In order to live a real life, we need one thing: a purpose. A meaning for everything we do. I mentioned in one or two posts on this blog that, for last couple of years, I have been feeling that I am losing my motivation, for I've been freeing myself from old schemas of thinking imprinted in the process of incorrect upbringing. I have been torn between well known path of "dealing" with  the problems and something completely new, what seemed to be so scary as if I was looking to the abyss. I didn't see my purpose. And meaningless life is the worst scenario for everyone. 

I discovered an interesting thing: every goal to be achieved, every stage to be closed and every small step I need to make are already in me and nowhere else. They are hidden deep in the dark, like paths of code written down for an intelligent machine. But they are overwritten by bad deeds of my parents and of my own wrong choices. So I can either follow commands of this damaged code or make an effort and get to the source code written by the Author who doesn't want the meaningless life for me.

How to reach access to the Source Code of mine? By trusting. By being peaceful. By being patient. By being focused. By loving and respecting myself. By following my heart.

Moving Out, Moving In, Moving On

Finally, after long seven years of waiting (being too poor), I flew to the vacation. Believe me or not, spending two weeks in some nice resort in Polish mountains or at the seashore still is too expensive for my thin wallet, so I had to choose a cheaper option - Canary Islands. 

Eight years ago, I had been spending a short vacation on Fuerteventura with one day on Lanzarote where I am now, repairing my emotional and physical condition. And, what is very interesting, where I want to move. 

Yep, I suddenly saw a need to change the place I live in. And it is not a whim or something that occurred couple days ago. No! This very idea showed up last year and the feeling that I should do so was really strong. My approach to it however is very careful. From my experience, every changes - especially those crazy ones - should be conducted after a very long consideration. But... not too long. Because, if this indeed is something that comes from my heart, I need to act decisively, whit a head on my neck and right away.

The Core

The worst nightmare you had? Do you remember?
Mine was terrifying.
I was sitting in a room and I realized there was someone else sitting in front of me. I looked up there and I saw... myself. It was me, but not me I knew. It was the person I had been scared of for most part of my life. The core of me. First, I froze. Then, I wanted to say something to me, to calm down the person I see. But she attacked me fiercely.

It took me at least five years to understand the meaning of the dream. I had to go down deeply into myself. How did I do it? I suffered. I was tormented. I was left alone by everyone. I had depression. I was hungry. And every time I experienced any kind of distress, I had been turning to God, reproaching, grieving, crying... But He wasn't keen to talk back. In fact, He was very quiet until His voice silenced for good.

I understood.
The person I need to talk to is the woman from my nightmare because the stage of becoming independent human being wasn't closed. Me as me was rejected by my mother. I had to develop some other personality, to wear masks, to be someone else in order to earn somebody's love... But love means acceptance for who I really am.

Now, I cannot expect this very acceptance from others. The only person who can do that is me.

Princess Diana and Princess Marilyn

If you were not loved by your parents and by nobody else whatsoever, but, unfortunatelly, you are pretty or sexy girl and, later on, a smart woman, you learn very quickly that your beauty and sex appeal may buy you a "love", which, in fact, is only some kind of attention and admiration. 

Undoubtely, either late Diana Spencer nor Marilyn Monroe had loving parents and carers as a little girls. They were not wanted, always rejected, not good enough... Reading their biographies made my heart bleed in excruciating pain. But it took me some time to realise that both of them were 36-years-old when they died tragicly. And only when I turned 36, I fully understood their situation. 

This age is very special for women. The body changes rapidly. The face is no longer so shiny and fresh. It is hard to sustain proper weight. And the mind, much more bright than before, starts to realise that past is past and the ageing cannot be stoped. Well, for "normal" woman, who has all stages of her psychological developement closed, this is the time of new prospects. She may feel sad looking at the mirror and not seeing that smooth and nice face, but she has so much more reasons to live longer - family, children, friends, career, glass of wine in the evening, favourite TV series etc. But, for us, the "sweet dolls", "little princesess" this is the end of everything, unless... we, by some miracle, become "aware" princesses. 

In case of Diana and Marilyn, the miracle didn't happen. The lines of their lives - filled with drugs overuse, eating disorders, believing in superstitions and nonsenses read from the tarot - had been leading straight to the doomed end. 

Marilyn's real name was Norma. And if you take a glimpse of the pictures taken while she was very young, you will see a normal looking girl. Eccept she wasn't loved. She used her sharp mind (she was very smart) to draw the attention of other people. "Boobs and butt" instead of intelligence and modesty. Platin blonde hair and a perl-white smile instead of a gentle look and a simple hairstyle. 

The people "bought" it, yet the pain had been intensifying. Norma didn't feel the love the fans all over the world showed her... 

Reading biography of Diana, written by Andrew Morton, was one of the less pleasant experiences in my life. Nobody cared of this girl. From the very beginning, she was a huge disapointment, only because she wasn't a boy (what is interesting, one of her sons was the same disapointment for not being a girl). When she had been marrying Charles, she practically was a child and I am fully convinced she remained the child till her demise. 

And she had been "selling" some kind of fake picture of herself, too. Full of contradictions, always knew how to make people's hearts beat faster. Innocent gaze under golden fringe, silent voice, proper pose and, at the same time, countless affairs (or just gossips about them), controversial moves, interviews set up with the press she supposedely hated so much... She hid herself behind charity work - which provided the most of people's admiration - so the pain seemed to be fading. Her last days were filled with constant work and her life was much too fast...

So about me... I am no longer pretty. The sweet doll disappeared. I am overweight and a little bit clumsy. My legs and arms look like fat sausages and I'm constantly tired. I look like normal woman, almost 40-years-old. Naturally, I felt an excruciating pain, since I've lost the things I was buying people's admiration and attention with. Yet, I am alive. I have prospects, I've just received an offer of  a good job, my next novels are to be printed... The pain didn't fade, but the awareness is keeping me in vertical. And there is something much more important - Faith. 

I am not against the charity work neither against career in show business, but I think that in God's intention our personal good is much more important, for:

"What, then, will anyone gain by winning the whole world and forfeiting his life? Or what can anyone offer in exchange for his life?" [Matthew, 16,26]