Succumbed To Love

Some people say: follow your heart, follow your dreams... It is stupid to have a dull job, 9 to 5, five days a week, in order to have some goods which don't make you happy.

I, as an expert in following and un-following heart and dreams, say: dull jobs are usually very helpful while fulfilling your dreams, simply because you earn the money that is the ticket to something better. (Of course, if you were born in a rich family and you don't have to work, I completely don't understand why you still wait and don't follow your dreams.)

Here is the thing - the love is the most important thing in this world and demands of love can be always met, even by doing a dull job. Because love is something opposite to egoism, so you won't neglect your basic needs nor the needs of people who are depended on you and you won't act childish due to your unfulfilled dream (I recommend watching the movie: "The Glass Castle" with Brie Larsson and Woody Harrelson, it is about people who follow the dreams no matter what it costs).

Follow your heart, but use your brain. 

Take advantage of the power that the feeling to 'wrong person' gives you, but don't get close to that person.

Do crazy things as long as they don't hurt anyone. 

Succumb to love, but don't be deluded and stay aware it will cause a lot of pain. 

F***ing Wrong

So... I am sick. Like... for real. I have been trying to avoid the topic for some time, but you simply cannot omit such thing as your failing body. Though, you try... Especially when you know that the disease will continue taking off your strength and many abilities, and you will never ever be healthy. I feel like I'm losing control and like I am guilty of the situation. 

But there is something I cannot forget about: I have never ever been healthy in my life. I was born sick and the main problem was nobody wanted to treat me or even see the issue. Thus, admitting I am not OK may change a lot, for I can take care of myself now. At least, I can try. 

The second truth about my condition is that I had been sick less every time I was... "crazy". Now, I know that these were the moments when I was really me, but, for most people, I was insane. I heard, not once, that I am deluded because I am acting against a "normal" way of thinking, e.g. I am going to the big, strange city without money, a job and nothing else but the crazy idea that I must go to this city. Well, after ten years, I must say to those people (some of them are dead now): "you were f**ing wrong". 

I realized lately that I need a balance. My madness, disease and common sense must be always considered while making any decision. Because I was indeed deluded thinking that I'm not sick. This was insane and this must stop. And I would be a lunatic if I'd reject the power inside of me every time I am eager to do something really mad. 

Debugging

When I was in the army, I once visited my friend I had been living with in a dorm when we were students. I liked her very much because she was a very nice and gentle girl. It was Christmas break and I could meet her siblings and her mother. This visit helped me understand why this beautiful and smart girl is so insecure and where her countless complexes come from. Her mom was very friendly... towards me but not towards her own daughter. And the daughter had been doing anything she could to please the moody and criticising mother - even neglecting her guest. 

I then saw pure and the most hideous manifestation of jealousy I have ever witnessed in my life (beside my own jealous mother). This woman hated my friend and it was so obvious I was surprised the daughter wasn't aware of that. The woman wasn't a mother, whatsoever! She was a bullie, demotivating her wonderful girl at every step she had been trying to make, insinuating that she is ugly, stupid and lazy. 

I'm recalling this situation, for I realised lately that, for ninety percent of my time, I am not happy just because I am afraid that someone is going to destroy my happiness just for envy. OK, Someone in particular - God. That's right! I was meditating and I found this "glitch" in my "code". If I had to depict this thinking schema, it would show crooked black arms reaching out to me from the dark hole and pulling me down into it. I know it's awkward to think like this about God... but this is how our Faith is weakened by being brought up by... jealous mother who is pulling her child down into the dark hole of despair every time the child wants to be happy. There is huge possibility we would shift our fears onto imagination of God. Thus, I am insecure and I am afraid of any indication of happiness which inevitably would cause the wrath of some "god" who will punish me right away. 

I'm sure you know people around you who constantly are unhappy. Sometimes, it is the matter of character, but, quite often, the person is scared of being content because this means loss of parent's "love". Except, we don't need their love, not anymore. But, for sure, we need friends.

After many years, I refreshed my relationship with this girl. Unfortunately, I couldn't keep it, when I realised that I will never "win" with her mother, still present in her life. I could handle that she had been discussing in details our every conversation with mother - though it wasn't easy for me - but constant changing plans we had been making together when mom had been showing me that personal life and friends of her daughter are not important... that was way too much to handle. 

It's Your Turn

Couple years ago, I lost my job. I got fired and this was enormous disaster for me. Mortgage, bills, problems with my health (depression mainly), constant fight with my publisher (who hadn't been paying me my share)... And, what was the worst and the strangest, absolute lack of response from various companies I was sending my applications to. It was a mystery, something really odd. 

Today, I have my own business and I am a contractor in one fine IT company. Honestly, I cannot complain, especially for countless job offers. Seriously, there are lots of them. Sometimes, I receive three offers a day. Can you imagine?! Shocking! 

So, what's the difference? Why I couldn't find any occupation for four months then, and, now, there are so many? You may assume that the situation on labour market has changed, improved. Well, no! That's not the case, not in IT sector. The thing is, then, I didn't know what I want to do. I didn't specify my career path. Everything changed when I finally decided what kind of work I want to go to, what skills I am going to develop, and, what is very important, what things I won't do. The result was as if someone snapped the fingers and the reality became better. Except, no one did anything with anyone's fingers. It was me who made the choice, I took the responsibility for my future and I hadn't been waiting till other people will help or decide for me. 

This applies to every single sphere of life, even buying a coat for new season, believe me. I had been escaping from defining my future actions for most of my life. I was too scared because I was taught that MY decisions are always wrong, that I cannot do anything valuable, that I am egoistic... Thus, as almost forty-years-old woman, I am starting to express my own will concerning my own future. I am walking out of darkness I had been living in. 

Let's Talk About... You

Let's talk about motivation. Again.

First, I'm afraid I am going to lose the factor that motivates me now. Seriously scared, really. So, I am motivated to fight for the motivation to stay with me, no matter what (as long as my actions don't hurt anyone).

Second, the motivation makes I change, I seek for being altered, becoming better person... I see things I didn't want to see before. I am much more brave and determined.

Third, I am quite convinced that I have no much choice when it comes about things that motivate me during my life. They come directly from the biggest scars in my heart, and I cannot either ignore or erase them. They define me, they are part of my personality, and, by declining them, I would decline myself (which is nothing but base for auto-agressive diseases, both mental and somatic and who wants to be sick?).

Fourth, I need to be prepared for ultimate lost of the motivation, for the big break when I inevitably will break... down. But, you know, life goes on etc., etc. Yeah... We'll see.

Something I Can Never Have

There are two big couches in one of my favorite cafes in Warsaw. One is situated against the other, so if you will come with more people you can spend nice moments there at coffee, cake or sandwiches. But on last Sunday, there was a middle-aged couple sitting on one couch, and a young mom with a very little toddler sitting on the other couch. The couple was reading magazine and surfing in the internet but, as soon as the little boy woke up and started spreading his charm around himself, the woman jumped up from her place, and demanded changing the spot. The man, her husband I guess, looked confused, for he didn't understand why they would do so, since the couch was so nice and comfortable. 

"It's too hot in this sun" - she replied and grabbed all her belongings. 

No, it wasn't too hot because of the sun. One glimpse on her face let me recognise the problem. She couldn't stand the view of the child. She couldn't stand the fact that someone has something she doesn't have... 

Oh, I know the feeling!

We very often think and feel that we are not loved when we don't have the things we crave the most for. We are hurt to the bone. We suffer excruciating pain... For "being-not-loved" is the worst thing that can happen to us... 

Yes, as long as we are children of stupid parents who don't understand that being a parent (or a carer responsible for other life) means constant giving without guarantee of receiving anything back. The "goods" children want are, in most cases, something they need, hence they crave for love:

closeness, 

presence, 

conversation, 

acceptance, 

even if what they feel or do seems inappropriate.

If they don't get it, they are hurt and suffer an excruciating pain... Then, as grown up persons, they cannot stand when they don't receive what they want, and their pain is real and unbearable. And there is no understanding for what they feel. They are sometimes diagnosed as narcissistic personalities, they are bitter and depressed.  

The worst side effect of being deprived of parents' love is lack of an ability to differ what we NEED from what we WANT. 

Last(ing) Love

As I mentioned once, I had been doing various things during my life just because I loved somebody. To be more precise: I came to Warsaw ten years ago because I loved one guy; I wrote my first book (in fact, it was a manual for UAV users) because I loved... the Prince (yeah, THE Prince I had been writing about so many times at this very blog). Thus, I am not afraid of any "inappropriate" feelings. But when I made a resume of my real successes, I realised that most of them were possible thanks to motivation I was taking from loving someone else. Honestly, I'm shocked how this feeling impacted me, even in professional sphere. Yes, having a good job is one of most visible benefits I may experience every day...

So, as the Gospel says, "You will be able to tell them by their fruits" [Matthew 7,16] and, since there are so many fruits and they are so sweet, I had to rethink everything I have been thinking about this... situation. And it's interesting, for I had been concerning it as a huge mistake, which wasn't weird after previous awful stories. Meanwhile, it turned out, this is something that have kept me in vertical for last couple of years. The huge mistake became a huge surprise. 

To be continued... (I hope)