Cosmic Expectation

Expectations are the Loop. The less you were loved in childhood the bigger your expectations are during the rest of your life. And this is absolutely natural, I cannot rid of the emotions, they are part of me. The problem is when I am not aware I have them and that they ruin my present day and my future. The disabled man from Bethesda pond was in the loop of vain expectations, pointless waiting... Every time he saw the moving of water's surface his hopes for meeting the right person, who will understand his situation, revived. I think he didn't get what was going on with him either, otherwise he wouldn't wait. Exactly the same thing happened to me - I didn't know what I wanted, what was my lack. When I learned this I tried to deprive myself these expectations of. Why? Because they hurt. I suffer so much every time someone whom I love disappoints me. And I love much too often than I'd like to. I love too much in general. 

I had no choice but get used to my enormously big expectations, I cannot cut them off. They exist because of my past, they made me me. But I must handle them in different way than before. Sometimes, I use them as a fuel in order to thrive my "projects", eg. writing a novel, for this is huge, cosmic power: craving for being loved. And it's better if it is constructive rather than destructive, isn't it?

And there was no man...

Who of us was prepared for being a loser? Or for feeling like one. Or for life filled up with defeats. In my humble opinion it is a supreme ability: coping as a living failure, because our flaws, wounds, weaknesses, disabilities are the factors that make us. We are not flat as a painting on the canvas but we have many shapes, irregular lines, diagonal surfaces... rather as a sculptures.  And, as I said, we are not invincible. 

We have, of course, natural capability of looking for help in our misery. And, usually, we can find it, if there is at least a shade of good will in us. We search for answers and wisdom in other people, but no one prepared us for situation in which we simply cannot find a man. And, believe me, there are cases when nobody understands what is going on. There are people whose suffering shove them out of the any social circles. They have too many "dark places" in their souls. I discovered that looking for understanding is complete waste of time. 

It's like with the disabled guy from the Gospel who stuck near Bethesda miraculous pond for thirty eight years, who was waiting till someone help him get into the water. There was no point in waiting - he was alone among many people, but he didn't notice that his problems are beyond people's understanding. Those years were lost. His "sin" was being deluded by himself. He wasn't prepared for being a loser, a lonely loser in others' eyes. 

Yes, we are not prepared for being alone. We're losing years and decades in pursuits of "true love", acceptance, understanding, companionship instead of chasing for something that is doable, under hand, in us... 

Questions & Answer Day

Have you heard Beyonce's hit "Why don't you love me"? Well, I must admit I find this song as one of the best in the singer's repertoire. I admire Beyonce and her work, however I always look forward a good text rather than music (and this is why I like some films that didn't gain critics' and audience's applause). 

The song stroke me from the first hearing. Because the song is about women like me. If you read my previous posts you know most of my miserable life was filled with attempts of finding someone who will love me. Well, to be more precise, I wanted to know what I am supposed to do to make some people love and accept me. Exactly like the woman from the video "Why don't you love me?" And this isn't only about boys and men, but everyone, beginning from my lousy parents.

There is, though, difference between me and the woman from video: I asked myself a little bit different question. The day, when I became Miss Perfect, appear eventually. It looked like I have everything to fit... And, of course, there still were people who didn't love me, who weren't pleased. But not them are the problem. Oh! Contrary! I started to have big issues with those who "bought" the new me. So I asked: "Why didn't you love me then?" 

The answer is obvious: they don't love me at all, and never did, and never will. 

Today, I'm asking myself: do I really need their love? 

The Perks of Watching Funny Films

It is, undoubtedly, one of my favorite movies: "Death at a Funeral" from 2007, with Peter Dinklage. And it's not because I found the reason to laugh in every minute of this film, especially when the naked guy with ginger hair, stoned as herd of pigs, goes to the roof. The main reason I loved the title is because of one sentence, said by Martha, the fiance of the drugged fellow from the top of a mansion. And, what is quite odd, this is not funny scene, at all. There is a dialogue between her and a man who is convinced that they are meant to be together. But she, very clearly, explains that the only thing he cares about is the way she affects him, and this is something completely different than "taking care of someone". 

Wow!!! That was really... new for me.

I wasn't loved by my mother, but there were some ways I could gain her attention, make her pleased or satisfied. Hence, I'd learned that I must affect people somehow, for being myself doesn't make them interested with me. I became an actress, a very good one. And this was my nature, not exactly secondary. I affected on people in many ways: by being a "court jester", helpless girl or in contrary - strong and independent woman. Whatever whoever needs. I was totally compelled to guess who I am supposed to be, especially for, so called, "important" persons at the current time. 

And, suddenly, I heard the sentence from one of the most funniest comedies I've seen. I stopped laughing...

I knew many men and women who were saying they love me (my mother's family is really big). I had bosses who thought they care of me. Not to mention, I've met my "Princes" who seemed to be "smitten" in my presence. Right...

All of them were only interested in how THEY feel with me and because of me. My mother not once were telling me: "Don't cry! When you cry, MY heart is bleeding". So, I stopped crying... in her presence, and she could claiming her child has no problems. 

I don't demand of people to take care of me, the actual me. I started demand it from myself. 

Right Here, Right Now

Everyday I watch atrocities that some evil people make to another people. I sometimes regret I saw the images of decapitated bodies of little kids whose only "sin" was being a christian; footages of executions of innocent men, drowned in cages or pushed out of the roofs... It seems there are no limits for those imaginations of those thugs who are making up next methods of tormenting and killing, and that there is no end for the hell on Earth. 

As the pictures come to my mind, and when I realised what I saw, it hits my body, makes me a real pain and wakes vengeance desire. 

I feel anger - also because of people who do nothing about it. I want to act, I want to change something.

I ask myself: What can I do with such evil? 

Once, after long fight, when I let my tears to flow during passionate prayers, this thought came to me: there is always a war around us for it is inside us, and the vengeance puts me on the same side where the evil is. And, indeed, there is something I can do to change it - I just should be a good person. It will be one essential effect of my "being-a-good-person" operation: I may stop spreading of the evil right here and right now, in my nearest circuit. 

And then I realised a second truth: I have met really bad people right here right now, without going to far countries where all these atrocities, I watch every day, take place, so it could come a day when also we will wake up in the hell on Earth for there were too little good persons around us.

Roses

Six years ago there was the one for my birthday. The One Rose.

These three, however, mean no less for me :)

White Rose

That`s my name, my new name. And this is not only a pseudonym. 

I haven`t choose it - it was given to me six years ago on my birthday. I will never forget that day when I realised of the meaning of the name and that it comes from much, much better Place. After the day nothing was the same...

White Rose means Someone gave me an ability of staying faithful to the real goal of my life. The ability I couldn`t sustain for my weaknesses and for old wounds that make me mistrustful and withdrawn. Being ME was just impossible and yet it all happened: here I am, I write, I work, I enjoy the next day of publishing of my novel.

I live.