Real-life Squid Game

If you happened to watch the second episode of the Netflix series "Squid Game," what did you make of the decision of the people who came back to the game? 

I thought: "Losers!"

...and only a few weeks later, I did precisely the same.

Two months ago, I got seriously sick. It was Friday, and I attended an online meeting with two colleagues when I felt un lucid. To make the story short, for the first time in my life, I was SURE I would die, and when I realized I might get better somehow, I didn't expect to recover any sooner. Yet, after only eight weeks, I am here again, working, meeting with the very same colleagues, and delivering the documentation. 

When I discovered I had a very high fever, I knew—I was entirely sure that the real reason for my sickness, the result of the immune system's collapse, was my work, the environment I found myself in. And, for the most part, I had promised myself I would never return there. But when they called saying they were waiting, I automatically, as if I were some brainless robot, answered, "OK, I'll be there soon." 

I know this game is dangerous; it can even kill me. But I need money as I will surely die without it. 

So, the "Squid Game" series is about many of us—people who have no choice or whose choices lead them inevitably to a sad end, because no matter what, the game we play is rigged. 

Meghan, the Queen of narcs

I have been observing this drama for perhaps six or so months. I only started my research regarding Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and everything related to this topic interested me very much. I don't know what was first exactly: some blog posts, or maybe I was checking specific hashtags on Twitter. Nevertheless, I've learned that some people find Meghan Markle an NPD person. So, since I was regularly updated, current events didn't shock me, not as much as they shocked most of the population. I didn't expect she would realize her vicious, though evident for rational-thinking people, plans so soon. Well, I suppose she was simply annoyed by pretending. 

This woman gives me a creep. Sometimes, she makes the exact facial expressions my narc-non-mother did. Yet, such a story helps me with my own past. Why? Because if you witness with your own eyes as one narcissistic wench destroys the monarchy lasting for nearly a Millenium, you are less eager to underestimate the person who was bulldozing your life for decades. 

Every narc has an agenda. Always! You may think that MM planned to become the biggest star in this world, and the British monarchy was just a trampoline to achieve this goal. Probably, she feels the same. Or maybe we are wrong in this matter, and the aim is in a completely different place. 

NPDs (just like suicides, people with anorexia, or people who hurt themselves with sharp objects) don't have a sense of control over their own lives. So, they control others. Imagine how insecure Markle must have been since she needed to take control of one of the most powerful families in the world. Her 'dependency mode' reached the highest level of all, as high as the one of Martin Luter's who dared to confront the Catholic Church, the most potent organization back then. 

And you know what? She feels hurt by fate; she suffers and must recover what she has lost. Many people believe she's calculating, but there wouldn't be a rush if so. Calculating people, e.g., psychopaths, are cold, while MM has a fever. How can I tell that? Well, I was 'raised' by one of her kind.

This story helped me understand two things. First, I finally faced the music and apprehended, vague up to this point, suspicions that my non-mother always had an agenda, and I always knew what it was. Everything was calculated to make me a personal servant for life. Every word, gesture, and decision was supposed to keep me with her. She had been using many tools to accomplish her plan, but the most wicked were guilt, anxiety, playing the victim card, and isolation. Second, I realized there was something else hidden, just as in the case of MM. Non-mother, too, felt mistreated by fate's current, and she also craved proper compensation. But foremost, this was an act of revenge on my non-father for not loving her and showing me affection instead.

I can only add one thing - poor Archie...

Judgement Day

Dependency mode I wrote about stands on a stable conviction that whatever I do or say must be assessed by someone else. Only some other people can give us the right to undertake specific actions and, worse, to live in general. We seldom ask who gave them this right and rarely ask why we gave it away. But these are the fundamental issues of ours. 

It is a matter of mindset - we are led by thoughts that impact our bodies, emotions, and decision processes, yet we are unaware of them. Significant people and authorities had imprinted these thoughts a long time ago at that time, and there is no surprise that their interest was to make us obedient puppets. In plain words, we were taught what to think, not how to think. 

Dependency mode causes we are afraid of being judged and condemned. The more we are scared, the bigger the risk of becoming a developed narc or a suicide (the latter, more likely), for we do not belong to ourselves. Never! And for many of us, there comes the day when this one wrong assessment is too much to handle. 

I lie so I am right

Narcs lie for one reason - to create the reality in which all their deeds are justified.

They don't know one thing, though. They cannot comprehend their faults and sins because of pain that devours them from inside, as if admitting they did something wrong might cause even more hurt. Of course, that's not the truth. 

I am far from defending people with NPD, for most of them are who they became as adults due to their own choices (or lack of options). But I perfectly understand that the pain they live with is unbearable, and no one who did not experience it has the right to assess that he or she would behave differently if he or she were in a narc's shoes. No, you have no idea what you would do, feeling what they feel. 

Unfortunately, the problem is these individuals have yet to learn what they feel. They are as far as possible from their own interiors. And by denying wrong deeds, they are even further. It is hard to convince most people that confessing sins may help because, according to current social discourse, flaws, and weaknesses indicate we are less, and no one wants to be less, especially narcs. 

It took me lots of time to solve this problem: why does denying hurt us? But it's simple. To deny the truth, we usually use cognitive dissonance. By doing so, we became personal adversaries of our bodies; and started getting crazy. 

Cognitive dissonance is a bitch. Lying, treacherous, deadly bitch. Only, in the case of people with NPD, it is a total game-changer, to be exact - brain-changer. Narcs believe that what they feel at the moment and what they think is the one righteous judgment in the Universe. I was raised by the narcissistic witch; thus, I know exactly how it looks in practice. 

"I go to church, and I am a catholic, but, in this case, I think I didn't do anything wrong because I feel so. Yeah, having an affair with a married man, having a baby with him, and not telling him about the pregnancy sounds not right, but not in my situation, for my situation is different and extraordinary, and you must accustom my beliefs, not the doctrine of the Church".

You look at this person when she says something like this and think nothing can help her. She is lost since she has no hint that things can be otherwise. And even if she's your own mother, in most cases, it is better to run from her to heal wounds she caused within years.

Narc's Turning Point

Why do the narcs need followers? They don't exist without fans around them; they crave the limelight as other humans need oxygen.

The mechanism is simple - people who don't have a conscience still need someone who'd back their actions. People who hate themselves seek 'love' somewhere else. The last thing you can tell about narcs is that they are independent. And don't be fooled by how they ghost or discard others - finding new followers (better looking, wealthier ones) is easy as a walk in the park for these individuals.

Narcissists find themselves as the most unattractive beings in this world. But, contrary to the suicides, they never will admit that fact. They look at themselves through the eyes of other people, and since they have this fantastic ability to find enthusiasts of their fake image in every circumstance, they don't see any flaws. Very convenient, isn't it? Except it is not.

As I witnessed, the narcissist can instantly turn suicidal. Let all these followers disappear; let them vanish along with fame, fortune, and, in some cases, a person who was a narc's victim, e.g., the child. Such a situation may be the beginning of the end or... a chance. Will he or she use it as a turning point? That depends only on individual choice.

The mystery of the suicidal brain

You may have a narcissistic wound, yet you don't have to become a narc. But if you don't seek help, this wound will turn your life into a nightmare, and, eventually, it may lead you to suicidal death. This is what happened to me. Thank God I didn't kill myself, and for the first time in my life, I don't want to die (since I was six, to be exact), but I live with the trauma that paints my reality in very dark shades. 

Yes, I believe that narcs and suicides are two sides of the same coin. However, people with a narcissistic personality disorder willingly choose to hurt others to make their lives more bearable; they do not develop a conscience. They use their natural talents for immoral purposes. These talents are: creating a fake image and the ability to summon their own followers. 

Becoming popular or even a famous person is the primary goal of every narc. That's why creating the image consumes the whole of their energy. Hurting or destroying other individuals doesn't bother them. They suppress every single remorse, and they do that until the conscience is silenced for good. 

People with suicidal thoughts want to be liked. It seems to be similar to a narc's desire to become famous but make no mistake - they desperately want to please everyone but themselves, for they think this is the only way to stop hating themselves. They, too, live in dependency mode, but they are not interested in fame and popularity. Those people, just like I did, think that they don't deserve to be treated well, and very often, they are children of narcissistic parents. 

I will never understand why persons with this kind of wound choose such different paths. I don't know precisely why I became a suicide with mental health problems, not a narcissistic personality. Sometimes, this direction was very tempting and seemed easier to endure. Maybe it's because I have chosen God and His plan for my life, or perhaps some other factors have prevailed. I really want to discover the truth. 

Project manager for life

If you are not loved by anyone, you feel like you are drowning. All the time. 

The pain comes back one time by another, and you cannot escape it because the only cure is being loved by someone significant. 

This is how we were created - we must experience love; otherwise, our life is unbearable. 

I've learned to provide good things for myself, which is very helpful. Some moments of my existence are too hard, though, and I need to acquire the ability to cope with them. The nervous system is 'overloaded,' I am tired and a bit confused.

In fact, at some point, the life of a person who did not experience love and who did experience a lot of abuse turns into a big project of coping with the results of a painful past. And most people around us have no idea about our fight; they don't see survivors in us. We're lucky if they don't consider us as losers.