It is very nice when you have a good and stable job ensuring proper monthly salary; when you don't have to be worried about bills and mortgage repayment; when you can afford not only for meeting basic needs but also for some extravagancies like buying dresses and shoes you dream about, going to fancy vacations and furnishing your flat just as you wish.
It is nice as long as it is not.
Sometimes, and I am the best example, the times of prosperity ruin the wellbeing so badly that the body starts to die. Because, above all, we need a purpose, a thing that makes our life meaningful. And when we must fight for certain things (e.g. paying all debts) we are set in the 'combat mode' and, for some of us, like me, this combat should be very hard and even brutal otherwise... there is no point in living.
Up the moment I had been making any decision because of fear, everything seemed to be easy. I was 'creating' the situations in which I could feel the anxiety from my childhood (e.g. in regard to mother who was addicted to taking and not paying the loans I had to pay) and I was trying to escape from it. But when you got rid of the fear or your awareness is big enough to avoid this way of behavior the algorithm of deciding must change. You leave your loop and you start living your own life which also must have the purpose.
So this is the question that I am asking myself lately: how can I arrange my current life to find myself in the combat mode again but without fear and repeating stupid actions?
What I am fighting for this time?
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