Sunday 27 January 2019


Just as a good book can help us make clear certain topics in minds, specific movies may cause a healthy shock by showing us our life from another perspective - as an outside witness.

I watched a film about Tonya Harding, the (in)famous figure skater, with Margot Robbie playing Tonya. I mean, I didn't see the whole film simply because I felt too big distress. It was like watching my own story, despite these stories - her and mine - seem to be so different.

The mother... Aggressive, full of hate towards everything and everyone, especially her daughter. And the daughter had a huge talent quickly discovered by the mother who invented how to exploit it in order to fulfill her own agenda. While watching the movie, I realized that this was only an excuse for her to abuse the girl even more. 

When I was six, my mother sent me to piano lessons, not even asking me if I wanted it. She found out that I love classical music and that I can 'hear' it so she figured out that this would be the source of her own fame. Of course, she couldn't afford the lessons, for we were always poor just as Tonya's family, but she soon realized that this is a fantastic justification for her cruelty and playing the role of a martyr who pays last money to make my future better. For me, there had been six years of unimaginable stress because, in addition, the teacher was nothing but sadistic a**hole who, once noticed that his 'teaching methods' are not condemned, was tormenting me more and more... After the piano course ended, I never played again though I often dreamt about it; I just couldn't force myself.

Luckily, I had other talents left, not entirely taken from me, but, as I understood, for Tonya Harding, skating was the most important thing in her life. And apparently, she had nicer trainers. 

There are many scenes in this movie that reminded me of my own childhood. But one of them was this one drop too much in my bitter cup. Tonya was going for training and the mother demanded a goodbye kiss... though, a seconds earlier, she was humiliating her daughter. I froze. I was in exactly the same situation. THE SAME! As if someone saw my life and filmed part of it. There is a huge difference between having this scene in memory and watching it as a spectator.

Tonya paid the enormous price for being upbrought this way. I know that many people were laughing while watching this movie but there is nothing funny in it. We may be misled by her pose, sharp tongue and dashing manners, however, they are this second side of the coin I wrote before about - aggression. I was devoured by anxiety - she by the anger. 

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