Monday 14 January 2019

Imprinted Convictions

In "Guide For (Ultimate) Losers," I confessed that I regret many things... But, up to this point, I wasn't aware of two facts: why I did things I now regret and what will happen once I acquire this knowledge. 

The reasons for doing certain things have been explained in a couple of previous posts regarding anxiety problems. Yes, I was choosing these and those directions simply because I was scared. The fear was the main factor (maybe the only one) of my actions. This is awful, and the situation must be changed; I need to rearrange my life, make proper amendments. 

Doing things due to fear makes life runs in the wrong direction. After many years, I found myself in the wrong place, which is a tragedy and the cause I am even more scared but, above all, angry. 

For example, I regret that I stopped writing novels when I was a teenager. Back then, I also declined handicraft and designing clothes. Of course, it happened because of my mother, who wasn't pleased that I was happy while doing these things. I was afraid I will lose her acceptance and love. Therefore, I regret going to high school - instead of going to some courses where I could develop my talents - and later on, to the university, though I graduated with the highest score there was. I regret every action of which goal was gaining somebody's love or admiration. 

What is interesting, I do not regret joining the army. Really! Despite all those bad experiences I had. I do not regret moving to Warsaw, either. But the one small thing that differs these two decisions from others is that I made them by myself, against my mother's will. 

So what is happening when I am aware of my fears and decision making process? I simply cannot make any other decisions based on anxiety. But the problem is I am not able to use anything else to motivate myself... Hence I stuck a little bit. 

I chose my professional path because I was afraid of being sick and homeless, but this path, as it turned out, is far from my interests, talents, and mental state. I had to become someone else as if another way of living was something wrong. However, even when I decided to change it, I couldn't make my life right. Why? Because, I presume, the fear of being sick and homeless wasn't the essential issue. Once more, it was an imprinted conviction that doing things I like make me worse and unlovable


Side note - People are afraid of regretting everything. As if admitting that something wasn't right would make us worse. But I think that it is an essential ability to establish what is right and wrong for us, for, when we know it, we avoid making bad choices in the future. Once we are older, we have this advantage over younger people since we have more 'comparative material' in the reach. 

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