Monday 14 January 2019

The Fearless Escapist

I wrote that I had to become someone else in order to achieve certain things - find a good job ensuring I won't be poor or homeless. I also started to suspect that neither poverty nor lack of home has been the factors that motivated me for years. I am surer now it always was the unaware compulsion to stay close to the situations that scare me despite I desperately wanted to escape this fear... 

Most parents are not interested in what career would be suitable for their children so they decide for them without considering natural talents, capabilities or emotional issues of their offspring. So it was with my mother and my educators. Nuns from my convent school had been mocking me seeing I was constantly writing something in my diary (if they hadn't I wouldn't be writing about them right now). My mother was 'annoyed' when I was drawing hundreds of sketches of clothes or shoes... I can list dozens of situations in which God's gifts I was born with were stampeded by stupid people. 

So... I choose the career that had been always keeping me in the middle of anxiety and havoc to experience what I was experiencing back then, despairingly - though subconsciously - trying to find the truth. 

The thing is that the talents I have are the best and only way to stay sane although following this path seems to be a dangerous and very hard task. Working 'with people' scares me, for I was born different, withdrawn, and, in some aspects, weaker... 

But I was always strong enough to escape. At some point, escapism became my second nature until I realized that, every time, I land in the same place. And the situation in which you see the loop you're trapped in may have fatal results. It won't happen if you find salvation, and there is no better one than... your own talents and capabilities you need to discover by yourself since your parents didn't do so.

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