Monday 25 February 2019

My Story

It is good until it is not...

All the effort, all achievements are for vain. Yesterday, I was holding up looking into the future with hope, and today, everything vanished and I again want to die. Just die, disappear... I fell apart into small pieces. My heart feels unbearable pain.

Seemingly, I know the reason, but in fact, I am far from my own truth. It is still hidden. If it wasn't, I wouldn't have been thinking about death, I wouldn't have wanted to kill myself, never in my life! 

My story, just as the story of my grandmother's and a couple of other people I've known, concerns unfulfilled love - being unloved by people we love the most. But when I was six, I wasn't able to name it like that; I wouldn't say that my parents broke my heart, especially my mother did, simply because I didn't know she doesn't love me. My father was absent, so, in the child's mind, the fault was on my side, not his. There was something wrong with me... 

That's why now, I relentlessly seek for people who don't love me and who for sure wouldn't have the will to want to be with me in order to experience this ordeal time after time. 

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