Useless

I cannot feel useless. If I feel that I might be accused of being lazy or redundant I start to be scared. And this is not simple anxiety. It is the fear of being destroyed, punished violently. 

When I was a kid I wanted to do things that were interesting for me. And this wasn't only about playing, but about developing my talents, following the voice of my heart. But, as I had mentioned many times, I wasn't allowed. I was meant to be useful, beneficial, redressing loses to my mother and the rest of the world. The loses I caused by coming to this world. And, in the twisted mind of my mother, my talents and hobbies were not the way to fulfill this task. 

She was jealous. She had the conviction that her own childhood was lost, for she had to work very hard at parent's household. And I am sure, at some point, it was the truth - she was used by them and didn't get what she should have got. So seeing me playing and enjoying the life was a thorn in her side. She somehow thought that she will regain what she lost by taking me happiness. And, among other parents, she wasn't such a big exception. On the contrary - the world is full of jealous and vicious mothers.

But this topic is not important today. Now, the most crucial thing is fear. Every time I feel I might be punished I also experience the end of the world. My world. And the question I need to ask is: why? This again is something coming from the wrong mindset. My mother was so terrifying with her reactions that I, as a little girl, was constantly afraid of... 

Yes, and this is the word I have been missing. 

Afraid of what exactly? 

Nowadays, I would say that of being 'fired' with all the consequences - losing basic goods that ensure I can exist; being persecuted by people and institutions I owe the money; becoming an outcast etc.

Since she and other people from those past times are not around me, and since I didn't process this very problem internally, I have been trying to recreate this situation in current events. And there is no simpler way to do so than work and people I work for. Not the people I work with but the persons of whom my future depends on.