What is worse - living with vain hopes that the most important people in your life love you or to be aware that they have never even had the will to love you?
At the first glimpse, the latter seems to be much more painful. For me, it was so. Until I realized how much more I can achieve while being awakened not deluded.
Nor my parents or the men I loved even liked me. I was only the mean for them to reach their own goals. As long as I played the roles they had written for me they somehow were showing me interest. There was one thing for sure - in order to gain their attention I couldn't be really me.
For a very long time, I was absolutely sure I will die if I will not win this attention, acceptation, and love. I described this mechanism in "The Notes from the Abyss" and I think this very awareness helped me cope with current circumstances.
Meeting people who are like our parents is inevitable. After all, there are no so many differences between us. The problem is we cannot let them lure us into their games. And not to set up our own decorations.
I lately came across one person, so much alike to other characters I met. The person whom I, unfortunately, must work with. And as I wrote before, there is sabotage of my work, lies, passive-aggressive approach - and all these blended with compliments and nice behavior. But I always know that something is going wrong. I feel it and I can tell by poor results in my activities despite my efforts.
In me, whole this situation triggered the sequence of emotions, thoughts, reactions... It was like a storm, this havoc I was writing about some time ago. My world number one has been awakened. Old wounds have been opened. The very old wounds. One experience I forgot about... It turned out that it is still vivid and influences me on daily basis and that I wasn't aware of that until the situation.
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