Saturday 16 February 2019

Real Reasons

It is good to know what are the real reasons that are hidden behind our decisions and actions. It helps to avoid repeating the same mistakes over and over again. 

Example No 1

Since I remember, I was afraid I will be 'fired': expelled from the school, kicked out of my work... And, sometimes, the fears became truth - once, I almost was fired and once, I did lose my job. But it took me a couple more years to understand that the actual events have nothing to do with the real problem I deal with since I was a little girl. 
As I mentioned in the last post, this feeling was with me while living with my mother - that she somehow had this ability to 'fire' me, to kick me out of this planet, that she will deprive me of basic necessities. I grew up repressing these fears, yet they were always vivid and influencing my life, e.g. in terms of professional path. 
So the real reasons for my anxiety in regard to my work weren't the work itself but never processed trauma.

Example No 2

Six years ago, I terminated contacts with my mother. I simply couldn't force myself to contact her, to talk to her, to see her... And, for all this time, I had no clue why I was so blocked. Well, of course, I knew she is hurting me every time she has an opportunity to do so but, up to that point, I could handle this. So what happened for real?
I remember very well that before the last Christmas we spent together she was insisting I must come to visit her despite I didn't want to. I was tired, exhausted by events at work, by mortgage and depression... But she told me she feels abandoned and alone. So I went. It turned out that, for most of the time, I need to sit home alone myself for she was going out to meet her countless friends and patients (she was a nurse). I felt like an idiot but it wasn't the biggest problem. Once, we met her old friend on the street. Naturally, they started chatting and didn't bother my presence. Suddenly, the friend of my mother's turned on me with the reproach that I am a bad daughter because I am leaving and not visiting my poor mammy. 
"What the f***?!" - I thought to myself. I looked at my mother who was smiling with satisfaction, nodding. In one second, I realized this old witch had been gossiping with her pals about me, saying this bull***ts! I was furious. But, above all, my heart was broken. And it didn't heal since then. 
Now, I understand - my body, stronger than the mind, didn't let me meet her for a good reason. If I was raised in a good atmosphere in which I am allowed to express what I feel and think, I could confront her, tell her what this behavior of hers means to me and that it breaks my heart... Instead, I had to live in this darkness for years. 
Today, I understand that she piled it on, she went too far, broke some boundaries. I don't know, maybe my actions are simple aggression or revenge. It's possible. But I am more and more convinced that she simply doesn't deserve to see me.

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