Get Out of The Fog

The worst things I was afraid of happened to me. My biggest fears turned out to be the truth.

As a child, I was scared that my mother hates me, though she had been saying something else. And she proved my fears were real.

I was always afraid that I will grow up and my father won't show up, that he wouldn't want me. And it happened.

As a teenager, I was afraid of being mentally ill. I was begging God to take this misfortune from me. He didn't listen to my prayers.

I can list many more of my biggest fears that came true. In few words, my life is woven of anxiety and waiting for something bad that happens... 

But I have never ask myself one question: so what?

My parents are who they are and let them be (as long as they are far away from me). I defeated my illness. Luckily, I didn't kill myself and, only by some miracle, I didn't lose my Faith. 

And the most important thing - I am able to love particularly those who don't love me. 

So what?!

It never occurred to me that this situation doesn't bother me in fulfilling other tasks. It doesn't if I don't let it do so. 

My Story

It is good until it is not...

All the effort, all achievements are for vain. Yesterday, I was holding up looking into the future with hope, and today, everything vanished and I again want to die. Just die, disappear... I fell apart into small pieces. My heart feels unbearable pain.

Seemingly, I know the reason, but in fact, I am far from my own truth. It is still hidden. If it wasn't, I wouldn't have been thinking about death, I wouldn't have wanted to kill myself, never in my life! 

My story, just as the story of my grandmother's and a couple of other people I've known, concerns unfulfilled love - being unloved by people we love the most. But when I was six, I wasn't able to name it like that; I wouldn't say that my parents broke my heart, especially my mother did, simply because I didn't know she doesn't love me. My father was absent, so, in the child's mind, the fault was on my side, not his. There was something wrong with me... 

That's why now, I relentlessly seek for people who don't love me and who for sure wouldn't have the will to want to be with me in order to experience this ordeal time after time. 

Luther's Father

As I mentioned in the previous post, behind our decisions and undertakes, there are often different reasons hidden. Different ones than we may assume. And from my experience, they usually are rooted deeply in the past, in the relations with parents. As long as we are not aware of the origin of our various 'feelings' and 'thoughts', we subconsciously try to achieve certain goals with wrong people and even institutions. And, by accident, we may change the history of civilization. 

***

Surprisingly, even Wikipedia provides some information about Martin Luther's relations with his father. Usually, biographies, especially of people who had lived a long time ago, ignore this aspect as if it was irrelevant. In the case of Luther, it was an absolutely crucial thing - the fear of father. The fear mixed with admiration so easily transferred to God. This very topic is so important to me, for it concerns also my problems with Faith and relations with Almighty and... with the Catholic Church.

First - transferring feelings toward people to God is a mistake, yet it is inevitable. We simply need to struggle with this problem for life and to find our own way to know God and His real Nature. 

Second - it doesn't matter that I am Catholic. If I would have been Jew or Protestant, and I would have been raised by the same mother in the same family, I would also have a problem with my religion and rites. 

In many points, Luther was right. In others, he wasn't. The whole situation required being discussed in order to find solutions and cure. It didn't require leaving the Church nor making the split. But Luther had his own, deeply hidden agenda - settling up with his abusive father. 

***

First - God is my Father

Second - God is not like my (biological) father

Third - pity Luther didn't know those two things...

Real Reasons

It is good to know what are the real reasons that are hidden behind our decisions and actions. It helps to avoid repeating the same mistakes over and over again. 

Example No 1

Since I remember, I was afraid I will be 'fired': expelled from the school, kicked out of my work... And, sometimes, the fears became truth - once, I almost was fired and once, I did lose my job. But it took me a couple more years to understand that the actual events have nothing to do with the real problem I deal with since I was a little girl. 

As I mentioned in the last post, this feeling was with me while living with my mother - that she somehow had this ability to 'fire' me, to kick me out of this planet, that she will deprive me of basic necessities. I grew up repressing these fears, yet they were always vivid and influencing my life, e.g. in terms of professional path. 

So the real reasons for my anxiety in regard to my work weren't the work itself but never processed trauma.

Example No 2

Six years ago, I terminated contacts with my mother. I simply couldn't force myself to contact her, to talk to her, to see her... And, for all this time, I had no clue why I was so blocked. Well, of course, I knew she is hurting me every time she has an opportunity to do so but, up to that point, I could handle this. So what happened for real?

I remember very well that before the last Christmas we spent together she was insisting I must come to visit her despite I didn't want to. I was tired, exhausted by events at work, by mortgage and depression... But she told me she feels abandoned and alone. So I went. It turned out that, for most of the time, I need to sit home alone myself for she was going out to meet her countless friends and patients (she was a nurse). I felt like an idiot but it wasn't the biggest problem. Once, we met her old friend on the street. Naturally, they started chatting and didn't bother my presence. Suddenly, the friend of my mother's turned on me with the reproach that I am a bad daughter because I am leaving and not visiting my poor mammy. 

"What the f***?!" - I thought to myself. I looked at my mother who was smiling with satisfaction, nodding. In one second, I realized this old witch had been gossiping with her pals about me, saying this bull***ts! I was furious. But, above all, my heart was broken. And it didn't heal since then. 

Now, I understand - my body, stronger than the mind, didn't let me meet her for a good reason. If I was raised in a good atmosphere in which I am allowed to express what I feel and think, I could confront her, tell her what this behavior of hers means to me and that it breaks my heart... Instead, I had to live in this darkness for years. 

Today, I understand that she piled it on, she went too far, broke some boundaries. I don't know, maybe my actions are simple aggression or revenge. It's possible. But I am more and more convinced that she simply doesn't deserve to see me.

Useless

I cannot feel useless. If I feel that I might be accused of being lazy or redundant I start to be scared. And this is not simple anxiety. It is the fear of being destroyed, punished violently. 

When I was a kid I wanted to do things that were interesting for me. And this wasn't only about playing, but about developing my talents, following the voice of my heart. But, as I had mentioned many times, I wasn't allowed. I was meant to be useful, beneficial, redressing loses to my mother and the rest of the world. The loses I caused by coming to this world. And, in the twisted mind of my mother, my talents and hobbies were not the way to fulfill this task. 

She was jealous. She had the conviction that her own childhood was lost, for she had to work very hard at parent's household. And I am sure, at some point, it was the truth - she was used by them and didn't get what she should have got. So seeing me playing and enjoying the life was a thorn in her side. She somehow thought that she will regain what she lost by taking me happiness. And, among other parents, she wasn't such a big exception. On the contrary - the world is full of jealous and vicious mothers.

But this topic is not important today. Now, the most crucial thing is fear. Every time I feel I might be punished I also experience the end of the world. My world. And the question I need to ask is: why? This again is something coming from the wrong mindset. My mother was so terrifying with her reactions that I, as a little girl, was constantly afraid of... 

Yes, and this is the word I have been missing. 

Afraid of what exactly? 

Nowadays, I would say that of being 'fired' with all the consequences - losing basic goods that ensure I can exist; being persecuted by people and institutions I owe the money; becoming an outcast etc.

Since she and other people from those past times are not around me, and since I didn't process this very problem internally, I have been trying to recreate this situation in current events. And there is no simpler way to do so than work and people I work for. Not the people I work with but the persons of whom my future depends on.

The Last Prince

What is worse - living with vain hopes that the most important people in your life love you or to be aware that they have never even had the will to love you?

At the first glimpse, the latter seems to be much more painful. For me, it was so. Until I realized how much more I can achieve while being awakened not deluded. 

Nor my parents or the men I loved even liked me. I was only the mean for them to reach their own goals. As long as I played the roles they had written for me they somehow were showing me interest. There was one thing for sure - in order to gain their attention I couldn't be really me. 

For a very long time, I was absolutely sure I will die if I will not win this attention, acceptation, and love. I described this mechanism in "The Notes from the Abyss" and I think this very awareness helped me cope with current circumstances. 

Meeting people who are like our parents is inevitable. After all, there are no so many differences between us. The problem is we cannot let them lure us into their games. And not to set up our own decorations. 

I lately came across one person, so much alike to other characters I met. The person whom I, unfortunately, must work with. And as I wrote before, there is sabotage of my work, lies, passive-aggressive approach - and all these blended with compliments and nice behavior. But I always know that something is going wrong. I feel it and I can tell by poor results in my activities despite my efforts.

In me, whole this situation triggered the sequence of emotions, thoughts, reactions... It was like a storm, this havoc I was writing about some time ago. My world number one has been awakened. Old wounds have been opened. The very old wounds. One experience I forgot about... It turned out that it is still vivid and influences me on daily basis and that I wasn't aware of that until the situation.

Emotional Intelligence

The problems with mental health are coming directly from the mindset that is influencing our nervous system. The way we think about ourselves and the situations we are in, the algorithm of decisions we make and the actions we undertake - all these things are strictly connected to what is happening in our brains. The brains shaped during our childhood when we learned how to think, decide and act. 

But it is extremely hard to understand what the current situation has to do with the past, especially when everything seems to have no sense...

Why I am not able to speak to certain people even if I don't know them well?

Why I feel frozen while meeting this or that person?

Why I am feeling intimidated or ashamed in their presence?

At some point, I answered these questions many times. Yet, I didn't feel free.

Because 'feeling free' is the wrong mindset. I am not supposed to feel free, I am supposed to be pissed. 

When someone is hurting me, a natural reaction is an outrage. But if you were trained to suppress this emotion and, what is worse, to feel guilty for whole the situation, you will never have the chance to act properly - not to escape, not to be frozen, not to let others hurt you even more.

If aggression and violence were the only response to our anger when we were toddlers, later on, the one and only reaction for this emotion is fear. We are scared that we will be punished for feeling this so-called 'negative' emotion. Thus we never learn how to cope in difficult and stressful circumstances. I have not acquired this capacity whatsoever. 

Sometimes, the expression of our anger should be controlled so that it won't turn into aggression. Reactions of civilized people meant to be adequate and... calculated, for attacking someone who is pissing us off may have fatal consequences, e.g. losing the job. 

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

"There must be something in me, some failure they can see and feel and this is why they behave so badly"

In this one sentence, I contained the fundamental cause of helplessness of people who cannot leave their own loop of mental problems - guilt. 

Every single person who uses violence 'professionally' knows very well that he or she remains with impunity until the victim feels responsible for everything that is happening. 

Not once, we had heard from our parents: "You did this so now I am angry" or "This is your fault I am mean for you". 

Since the cradle, we learn that we are the ones who are to be blamed for the violence we experience. We seek this reason in us and thus, one day, we really become bad people, like in self-fulfilling prophecy. And the parents are saying, nodding their heads: "I was always sure you are worthless". 

I think that playing others with guilt - especially those weak and dependent - is the worst kind of violence. This is like keeping someone behind invisible bars. And the hardest thing to accomplish is to set me free from this imprisonment, to change the mindset, for the guilt and blaming myself for everything are the reasons I cannot find the cure for anxiety problems.

Fear of Fears

Fear, anxiety, anger, aggression... 

These are the worst advisors we can listen to while making any decisions. 

But the king of bad aides is fear of loneliness. I reviewed my own history and I collected all the observations I had been making during my whole life, and I am sure that it is the 'fear of fears' which paralyzes us since the birth. We don't want to be alone not only because loneliness is something unpleasant or scary. For many of us, it is some kind of mark of shame, the ultimate proof we are worse, unworthy of love, not entitled to be happy or fulfilled... 

This is the story of my life - loneliness, fear of being lonely, experiencing unbearable pain of rejection or just being afraid of it. But it started to change once I realized that this is a weapon of vicious (and also scared) people who exploit this wound of mine in order to complete their own agenda. People who try to scare me with the vision of the awful future. 

But can a man be really lonely? The man who entrusted himself in God? Isn't following this fear a negation of Faith?